Life in complete mess

Relapses
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My life is in a complete mess.

I cannot stand it anymore. It’s really fucked. Like I couldn’t compare this feeling to any ordinary comedown.

I use drugs to feel better only to feel worse. It’s insane. What the fuck is wrong with me. Why. Why. Why.

I am at risk of homelessness, I can’t seem to keep a job despite a hefty effort, my will is disappesring, these negative thoughts ate becoming regular.

I am basically at rock bottom. My version of it anyway.

I am on and off meth weekly, I can’t stop smoking bongs, hooked on nicotine, and I still cannot control my drinking - although I seem have to have skipped a few days only to replace it with meth.

My family won’t take me back until I’m employed, clean, healthy, happy and sober.

Sounds simple, but achieving all or most of those things, before the unofficial due date, is a fucking hectic task for someone suffering whatever it is I suffer with. Mental issues and drug issues yadda yadda.

I am alone a lot of the time, and feel isolated from the world. When I do get a job and sober off, I feel alone, pointless, aimless, goalless.

It’s in that 1-10 minute moment, typically after work, that my brain goes into lonely mode. Work keeps me busy. But after work, I’m a lost soul wandering his own place not sure why he is even living here or where to go, or what to address first.

Write a list, make a plan, execute it, yes. Simple yes. Easy No. I think about the future too much. I procrastinate or worry a lot.

I want to wake up from this living hell. This nightmareish, festering life I lead. I need to get sober.

Day 1.

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You can turn this around and there’s a ton of people here to support you. First things first.

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I want to give you some hope. I believe and know, your life can be good again, not perfect, it never is, but good. Life CAN be good again. But only if WE make it so. If we want to have a good happy life, we have to build it. The sun will continue to rise. And the sun will continue to set. Whether we like it or not, time marches on. I believe we can march with it or we can let time, and life, pass us by. It’s not easy, in fact, it’s the hardest thing we’ll ever do. Difficult things are never easy, they are so worth it though. I wish I had more wisdom, more to offer to pull you out of this storm, I don’t. I only know that I’ve been where you are and I made it out of that eye of the storm. There is this strength that is beginning to be built into you every day you choose to not use. You can be a survival guide for someone. Direct someone else into finding their own strength through your story. If you help even one, it’s the same as helping a thousand. This emptiness inside of you can be filled. This numbness you feel can thaw. This pain will ease. The blows from this sadness will eventually soften. Your purpose can and will be rediscovered. What seems impossible to you right now, is in fact possible. This I know.

Strength through adversity. The strongest steel is forged by the fires of hell. It is pounded and struck repeatedly before it’s plunged back into the molten fire. The fire gives it power and flexibility, and the blows give it strength. Those two things make the metal pliable and able to withstand every battle it’s called upon to fight. This is a one man battle. Yes, many can and do fight beside you, many will stand on the sidelines and root for you, offering you help in the form of wisdoms they’ve gained during their own battles but, only YOU can face your opponent, one on one. No one can ride into the addiction game and save you. But I promise, you can save yourself. There is nothing so hopeless about you that makes it so you can’t recover :heart:

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Thanks for a quality response. That was uplifting to read.

On the job hunt and house hunt now.

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Rob, you’ve been on the merry go round a long time. You know what to do. And you’ve witnessed here that it works, it works for so many ppl and it will work for you.

For the after work cravings: meetings. Kills the loneliness too.
Change ppl places and things - interrupt your routines.

Stay in the moment or for ppl like us who are extreme worriers, procrastinators and future-fearers: create moments to be in. Where you stop doing that worrying stuff momentarily. This needs some practice. What I do: journal. Spend time w other living beings, my dogs mostly. They are alive and we interact and they don’t worry (mostly). It brings me right down into the now. Also: heavy exercise. Tried and trusted method to “get your head quiet”.

Long term: therapy. I’m in therapy in my fifth year now. My life quality and ability to “do life” w the specific challenges my mind and emotional makeup bring w them has multiplied by a thousand percent. I really relate to you. I used to not be able to do anything. I was a screaming mangled pile of psychic pain. Now I do rather a lot of things. And I’m more ok than not!

What are you willing to do to address your issues? It seems that just slabbing another job onto it won’t be the long term fix, necessary as it is to hold down a job, yes, and to have a home, also yes. But those things won’t keep you clean.

Anyway. I’m happy to read it’s day 1 for you. Looking forward to see this number rise!

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Yes it’s not been a short process.

Infact it’s gotten worse.

And now I am definitely swimming in a pity pool.

I need to sleep then I will have more clarity and optimism. Right now I don’t feel it. As much as I poke my brain for ideas. It only seems to lead to negative thoughts.

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Yeah no from what I understood you’re just now coming down? I wouldn’t demand anything of myself rn, just get some nutrients, vitamins and rest.

The questions are for when you come to and the drugs are out of your system.

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Gonna try check in daily.

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Mick i agree with Faugxh…get your basics down first of all…thats how you start off friend…food, vitamins, hydration, sleep…loneliness isnt something so bad that you need to escape it through drinking/using…nothing is…
Little me is sending you a big warm hug :people_hugging: weve all been where u are and understand, get that line drawn here and now so u never have to go through this again, i believe you can do it

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Sure would be a nice change to this chaos. Better organise some food and focus on small things.

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:people_hugging::skateboard: thank you

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Your welcome, i was absolutely desperate when i first came here, i get it i really do, stay on here and keep talking we’l be here for u…u dont have to do this alone

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You are such a beautiful and gifted writer :two_hearts:

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Thank you :heart: means so much.

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Can’t sleep :weary: tried everything

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I’m also still awake.

17 hours clean.

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wow you’re doing amazing work Mick!!! keep going we’re rooting for you :muscle:t4::muscle:t4:

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Hello all, gee what a difference some quality sleep will make. I won’t say I woke up feeling refreshed, but I was feeling much less tangled and tunneled, than I was feeling yesterday.

I’ve come to terms with my situation and am facing it as best I can. I have already been tested by my one and only, and that really hurt me.

Usually I’d be drinking as a result of that kind of argument/driving of abuse towards me. I do not thrive being out down, abused and belittled. I thrive with encouragement, passiveness, and social support.

I received the opposite this morning and I think I handled it pretty well. This is me putting my self discipline to the test. I am testing myself. I’ve not yet actually tried to control the strength of the line between my emotions and my substance/legal & relationship issues.

I’ve tried to stop before, many times. And it does sound generic, but I am gonna do it this time lol.

Only thing is, I’m going to monitor and observe my emotions, my triggers, and remaining calm.

I am not alone. I have a good person in my life. I’m not in a dangerous situation, even though it sucks, it’s not the end of the world.

I’m staying sober 1. To try have a chance to be with my family, 2. I can’t control any of it anymore 3. My body is beginning suffer after 20 years of smoking drinking and drugging. 4. I’m one bad phone call away from being in jail.

I am not planning to stop weed. At all. Everything else can go. I just have to watch my ADHD cause I get bored easily when not occupied or have a goal. This is when I drink, and thats when I take drugs, typically.

Not drinking is the key here.

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