Not even sure where to really start. I always try and tell myself and others that I wasn’t “that bad,” for. “That long;” but the truth is, I’ve been addicted to heroin/fentanyl and crack for a good 17 years of my life. Saddest part about that is I’m only 31 and have 3 boys of my own that had to go through a lot of shit they didn’t deserve through out that time. I’ve used sobered up and back and forth so many times all while forgetting just how long those stints of using really lasted for.
This last time around I had decided well, dope makes me sick, so why not just smoke crqck, right?! Least I won’t get sick; and that is where I really made a choice that brought me down quicker than ever before. The last two years I’ve been addicted to smoking that shit and throwing my family and kids to the side as if it was Normal for a mother to do that. I’d have guilt and shame but as long as I kept smoking I could avoid it. I’m just gonna leave it at this, shit for worse than ever before in my entire life and I don’t ever want to go back to that.
I am now 102 days sober and clean and have been at. Rehab//sober house since January 1 of this year. And I can finally look at myself in the mirror and I finally have that self love and self worth I’ve never understood how people had. But I’m going back home in 19 days and to say that I’m nervous is an understatement, but I know that I gotta keep this program I’m doing here strong at home and I think if I keep going to meetings, continue working with sponsors and giving service to those struggling I think that I can really fucking make it this time.
So here goes guys.
Sorry for the novel. Felt good to get it out.
Not a novel, it helps me to read, to remember how bad it can get and how much hard work it can be, but remember one day at a time and remember, this does not make you a bad person, you are not a bad person. Also do not put too much pressure on yourself, that will stress you out. U are beautiful and worthy. Trust me.
Congratulations on being sober, I know how difficult it is to go back and forth and to have the guilt and shame I also have two boys while I’ve always kept mine kind of a secret I just always use me being quiet as a way to pull away so I completely understand where you’re coming from. Keep moving forward have a blessed day
We’ve all done stuff we regret while in active addiction. I was out active in addiction for 10 or so years until I finally cleaned up, I didn’t have kids but I stole from family and friends and told lies. Got other people in trouble by not taking responsibility and causing my loved ones so much heartache.
When I got off probation I just kept doing what I was used to and basically acted like nothing had changed. Kept going to meetings working a program and talking with a sponsor keeping myself busy working and basically pretending I was still on probation.
Maybe you can think of the home you’ll be going to as another rehab facility instead of a home for awhile.
You can do it if you keep it up and maintain your recovery.
Amazing work on 102 days sober!! Have a sponsor. Attend meetings regularly. Stay close to the program and keep taking the next right step. Dont test your sobriety. Protect it and hopefully your soul will heal and others will reap the benefits as well
