My wife and i were married for 20 years , and used Together
the entire time, in 2021 i Lost
her to the disease, i have managed to put together almost 120 days , but i feel like s time bomb at times and then other completely cold , my emotions are all over the place and then i can’t feel anything , i was so in love with my wife she was my life , i Have not known a world with out her for 20 years , i know the basics of what to do i am working with my sponcer , talking to a therapist, working the steps everything that , i have been told to do i have tried , i try to find comfort from the loneliness by sleeping around just to feel quilty and remorsefull , i get all this advise from people who don’t know what it’s like to lose their soulmate to know that kind of loss is like asking someone who has never done drugs to describe what it feels like to kick herion cold turkey in a one man prision cell , or like trying to describe what the color blue looks like to a man that’s been blind his whole life, there is no texture to it no sustainance to base it off of to Get s true and accurate account , maybe its just time maybe it will never heal maybe this emptiness in my chest will remain, i don’t want to use again , i can’t no matter what but God i wish i Didn’t have to feel either, is there a median between blissful numbness , and intense emotion! When and where and how does the balance come in… any thoughts are desperately needed and appreciated…
Wow. I can’t pretend to know how you must be feeling but I did read your story and just wanted you to know iv heard you. Hopefully someone who’s walked similar shoes to you will be able to share soon as I feel I haven’t walked that path to give pure advice. Longest hug to you friend
I am so sorry for your loss… but congratulations on your sober days. I cannot imagine how hard that must be. There are some members here who have been through the same and I know @Sarahyab has shared her thoughts on her recovery from the loss of her partner widely, so hopefully she won’t mind me tagging her here to connect.
.
.
Yes
This is the feeling i call serenity
And wisdom
I have nothing to offer you but compassion and friendship
You mentioned allot , but what is the best thing here?
You know what love is
You have that longing for your wife.
It’s best to appreciate this and use this feeling to replace the drug
You are alone , but here, you don’t have to be lonely.
Stay plugged in friend
Thank you definitely hugging you back lol
Hey thank you for that…
Thank you for reaching out and plugging me unto a connection with sombody who can relate more deeply…
So one thing i loved most about my wife and our attempt at getting sober were her comments she would make when i need a push , hug , slap in the face etc. Lol
If i was feeling sorry my self she would say " put you big girl panties on babe and deal with "
God that pissed me off , for obvious reason ! But always snapped me out of it , at least in that moment and then would make laugh . And of course make me think about how i was really behaving! Her comment when i was being a complete ass and yelling or screaming lol , at the worst time it seemed she would look at me with this face that, seemed to me at least to be saying fucking really ! lol… But she would say" baby quit being fucking stupid ! " Lol… which was exactly enough for me to get completely irritated and enraged, embarrassed 
and a hundred other emotions all at once but again, it made stop and think about my behavior ! Then there is my favorite, when i was overwhelmed and discouraged and beatup from the world and it looked like i was completely defeated from what ever battle i was fighting and just at my wit’s end , she always seemed to know the perfect moment and would say " "babe come here rember when this , and when da da da happened you had to da da da , and would remind me there was a solution to my problems and talk me thur it , give me a hug and tell me baby it’s gonna be fine you always over think and stress your self out, it’s gonna be OK i love you … now quit be silly and put you big girl panties back on and just deal with., and pick up milk in your way home. "
I never understood the pick up the milk part i think that was just comic relief part , she was so funny and smart , and a thousand other things that were just perfect , and while i knew she was absolutely amazing i didn’t treat her like she deserved, when she was dying in the hospital the last two weeks of her life would often leave her alone to go to Dallas ( am hour away ) to pick up , go fix at the house mix some up to shoot up at the hospital, until they quit letting me stay the night with her , she was on a ventilator and asleep since the first day she was there which i used as a permission statement to burn off and go get high., we were both herion addicts and used together the 20 years we were together , but i think she could have stayed at the hospital better then i did , i guess it’s all the little shit like that plays in my head over and over she deserved so much better then me , and i know you can’t live in the past nor change any of it ! But i just want to do better and be better because i was such an undeserving asshole who was given such a wonderful women and didn’t see it in the moment…
It is very hard to lose someone you love so much. I don’t know what it is like to lose a partner but I lost my mom almost 11 years ago. I was suppose to go see her the night she died but I made an excuse so I could go home and drink. I felt so guilty for a long time. Maybe if I had gone to see her I would have been there to call an ambulance. I have and always will regret the decision I made that evening. I know I can’t change the past so now I live my life the best I can to make her proud. I have no doubt she is looking down on me. I may not be religious but she was and she whole heartedly believed in heaven and if there is one person that belongs there it was her.
I went to grief counseling and that helped me a ton with my anger and guilt. I’m not sure if you have tried that yet but if not I highly recommend it.
Yeah i just started its been 3 years and i still haven’t delt with all of the b guilt shame and remorse , it’s just not somewhere i want to go , you know hell that’s the reason i push it so far down and hide it … but i want to honor her and not use , i want to never drink or drug again period and am determined to do what ever i need to in order to make that happen …lol even if it means crying like a 3rd grade school girl hahaha
Bro, i just read again, all the hell you went thru
I think, just me thinking it out thru text
You have been in hell, but, since you were in hell, you were asked to leave hell. I mean a ticket out and your wife went home to a great place
You have no business going back to hell because you’ve been kicked out of it once
And you remember the rule, don’t get kicked out more than once, then your trespassing
You and your wife are going to meet at the great GOOD PLACE when it’s all done
Crying is a cathartic experience that offers release of emotions for all humans. No shame in crying. Let it out. 
I swear I cried for a year after the death of my 1st husband 30+ years ago. He never made it to 30…a lot of mixed up feelings around that. I found much solace in a grief support group and individual counseling. It was complicated, as life and grief are. 
Sending healing thoughts your way.
Hey, my names Sarahya! I relate a lot to your story man. My husband Daniel and I used throughout our marriage as well. Daniel tragically lost his life to this merciless beast on August 30th, 2022. He died inside of a porta potty on his job site from a fentanyl overdose at 8:07am. Most tragic day of my life. His death has been the solid foundation on which I’ve built my sobriety. I haven’t used since the day he died, 22 months now. Sober from crack, meth and fentanyl. It’s been the fight of my life but it can be done homie. Hit me up if you ever need anyone to talk to. I’m rooting for you dude🙌🏼
I appreciate your share so much, and all you have been through. I do not know what it is like to lose my husband, but we lost our 2nd child in 2019 and my sister was killed by her spouse while trying to leave an abusive relationship in 2022.
Grief is a complicated process, and though my daughter was so young she had not yet grown with us (the grief was more around the wondering of what she would be like and what our lives would have been like, picking up those pieces all while guiding a 3 yr old through the loss of her baby sister), the grief of losing my sister hit me in such a train wreck kind of way. She was my best friend, the person I could always talk to and dealing with the guilt, remorse and life after her has been an exercise in what feels like the impossible. I know it is quite a different relationship, but she was my partner in life and all I did. She had a serious disability, and people would often comment that she was lucky to have me and i would correcr them that it was me who was lucky to have her.
I have no advice, except to say that those horrifyingly awful emotions are meant to be. The early stages of grief are like being held underwater and it feels like it will never subside, the pain will always be so sharp and unbearable. Find your supports, so you can let it out when you need to and expect that most people wont know what to say or how to relate. The experience can be lonely, but please dont let it leave you feeling bitter…for a moment, for times of course bitterness and self pity can wash over us, take hold and let it. Its okay to feel those things, but recognize them as they are and seem them as something to move through not a place to stay. Its been 2 and a half years and our lives are only just starting to return to a place where there is true and constant laughter, wheere we arent simply surviving and bad days dont take so much out of us. I dont say that for any timeline, but just…as evidence that things take time, so much time and when we’re in the pit we cant always see the path we’re building or where we are going or what the hell we’re even doing. But slowly and surely, if we keep outting one foot in feont of the other and we’ll look around and see that we did right or at least the best we could. I wanted to build a garden around their memories, but immediately after the losses these were just these thoughts that came to mind I didnt know wtf it really meant or how the fuck i was going to do that or live the life that was now ours without them. Yet now, i can see that moving in the direction we’re going…that im going with being sober, the garden has been a slow process but its coming together.
Its the kind of wound that can heal, but it never goes away. There will always lay a scar, and every once and while it may get pulled open again and we’ll have to patch ourselves back up. Im a true believer that the big things in life that we go through never go away, we just learn to live with them. How we live, is in part how try to move forward. Sending you so much love on your journey and hope to see you around xo.
Thanks you the kind words haven’t been on here in a while , I am an addict so I spend most my time with other addicts in recovery but I get live from everywhere I can … Lol
Thanks a lot , I wish I could have been that unfortunately , I had to dig a little deeper after I lost my wife , I even tried to over dose on speedballs but just flew into a major psychosis episode!! But I am so sorry for your loss ! I fucking hate this disease!!! I gave what I could to it and it took the rest !! But thank God I was able to pull out I will have 7 months on 7-3-24 my clean date is 1-3-24 it is only because God has chosen mercy over might , and put people who are loving and kind in my life like you Sarahyab who have used the power of love Thur words to build me and shelter me and guide me !!! Thank you for sharing with me …
I just wanted to say so sorry for your loss and to the other’s on here who have lost a close loved one . Wow 6 month’s! Thats a huge deal way to go man! Hope you stick around.
Let your scares be your saving grace homie. Restoration and redemption always come in like a flood. Love what you said “God chose to show mercy instead of might” powerful and so true. You fought through hell man. Be proud. I know both Daniel and your wife are both at peace wherever they may be and they both are so proud of how far we’ve come. May we never dwell on our misery but instead, fix our eyes on the beauty of healing. 