I feel like every day I have to face my demons head on. I live in a home where there is always alcohol. A LOT of alcohol.
My husband doesn’t think it is an issue because it is all in the basement. He won’t stop drinking, he distills as a hobby. I have to work hard not to allow myself to attach anything positive to the smell, the clinking together of bottles, having it right next to me in his hand.
I don’t go down there, I refuse to focus on it. He will find his sobriety one day… he has to acknowledge he has a problem and want to change. He says he is supportive but it is always followed up by “I wouldn’t be happy if I had to give up my hobby I enjoy so much.”
Doesn’t feel like support
He only says, “Good job babe” without much emotion behind it when I share my milestones with him. He has many times said he doesn’t have an issue because he sips his drinks. He refuses to hear that it does not mean he’s not drinking every day he finishes work until he falls asleep. That it still adds up.
He thinks because I was a binge drinker that is why I cannot drink. I have no control in his eyes. He is quick to notice and call out others behind their back on their drinking habits though.
I’m fearful long term this is going to be a really big problem in our marriage. I cannot focus on his stuff, I have to focus on me and if I do say anything he doesn’t want to hear it.
He won’t even not drink around me, he did not think it would be fair to expect that of him since I’m the one with the problem….
Anyone dealing with this? Any stories or advice shared would be great!
My husband still drinks and our house is filled with alcohol, so I feel you. In my early days, weeks, months, it was hard to reconcile this with my sober journey. I found a good deal of support and comfort and help here, and I hope you do as well.
For myself, I had to really get that my sobriety and my feelings are my responsibility. His sobriety, or lack thereof, that is his thing. Out of my control, I had to learn to let that go. It was freeing, not having to tangle with someone else’s issues, but to focus on my own. Why was I drinking? What did I want from sobriety? How could I manage this with a spouse who drank? This is a great time to focus on yourself and your healing journey.
I learned what conversations were helpful to my sobriety and life and what conversations weren’t. Engaging around his drinking, unless he brought it up, not particularly helpful to me, beyond letting him know that if he ever wanted to cut down or try sobriety, I would support that. We also got clear years ago on not discussing anything of import if one of us had been drinking.
I got real clear on my feelings are my own.
I got clear on what was okay in our house and what wasn’t, for me, that was no wine…other booze doesn’t bug me…but we all have our own boundaries and needs.
I also had to get clear on that as much as he wanted to support me, I needed support from people who understood, that support I find here and on other forums (many people find great support at meetings). He is as supportive as he can be, where he is at, right now, and I appreciate that. But ultimately, it is my job to care and support myself…anything else is a bonus.
He is a very functional drinker, I was not. I was the hot mess express x100. He put up with A LOT, a real lot. I would not be so forgiving. I allow him a lot of grace, tho he needs little. He is a wonderful, kind, loving, caring, fun partner, who drinks. If he was 1/4 the asshole I was, it would be a different story.
I believe we know in our hearts the truth of our marriages…is it something that sustains and adds to our life or something that drains and drags us down. Are we able financially, emotionally, mentally to make a change if we need to? Is our partner a good kind person with a problem? Or something more malevolent? Only you know the truth of your situation.
We can and do learn to live with partners who still drink. We can and do recover and flourish and have healthy relationships with people who still drink. It is not an option for everyone, but it is for some of us.
Leaving behind my resentments, my control, my need to have things as I want them, right now…I turn my focus to that which I can control…my sobriety, learning ways to calm my nervous system, learning new ways of engaging and being with my partner, learning how to feel my emotions and allow them to come and go. One very important thing I experienced was learning to focus on right now, today. Today I am blessedly sober.
It is a lot…getting sober and doing it in a house with someone who drinks. But you can rise to the challenge. I bet you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Who knows what the future holds. All we have is right now. Today is a great day to be sober. And I am glad you are here.
Here is a link that has some other threads about partners who still drink. Hope you find some helpful stuff…
I am finally going back to Al-Anon AlAnon.org
I have all the tools to deal with my alcoholic wife that I learned in Al-Anon because of my kids. I always said when my life became unmanageable I would go back to Al-Anon for me.
Well, I been sober 2 and a half years now and my wife drinks every day. It’s very lonely. I thought I was doing good with it but lately her disease has gotten worse and so has my codependency addiction. So I’m back in Al-Anon.
Check out the thread if you’re willing. I fought going to meetings for over 2 years. I’m happy I finally surrendered and got my ass in a seat.
It’s so hard some days.
I am literally in the exact same boat as you. It feels so crappy, and it’s so hard to just hide and control all of those emotions and frustration/anger (for me anyways)… I can empathize because I know it’s an addiction… I just don’t know how to think about living this way forever… if he never finds sobriety…
And I am glad you are here. 
