Sorry for a long rant, I just felt like I had to get this off my chest.
I started my recovery journey this January. My boyfriend of about 6 years left me last year because of my drunken behavior. I would say horrible things to him and I became physical at some points. I did a lot of damage. I had multiple medical emergencies due to my alcoholism, including a seizure in front of his young son. Because I decided to get sober, he tried to work things out with me. But I relapsed multiple times, each time getting worse and ultimately causing the same harm and shitty behavior. I went into a psychosis the last two relapses I had, and I completely went off on him, saying things that would cut deep and even threatened suicide.
I betrayed his trust and faith in me. He put a complete end to things almost 2 months ago, and I’m struggling pretty bad with it lately.
I hate the fact that I ruined the last good thing I had. He saved my life more times than I can count and always supported me even when I was a drunken asshole. I was manipulative and horrible. I hate what I did and I hate that I lost him. I know it was my fault, which somehow makes it harder to process. The guilt is haunting most days because I know if I just avoided those relapses, we’d still be at least on talking terms.
I just miss him more than anything. I feel like garbage because he’s currently grieving the loss of somebody close to him, and I made it worse for him. I wish I could take away all of his pain, especially the pain I inflicted.
Just the thought of the trauma I’ve left people with pains me.
I’m not giving up hope on my recovery, I want to be a better person but the guilt gnaws at me. It’s hard to learn how to live with myself but I know I have to, even on the days I don’t want to.
Im so sorry love - it is horrible how much pain and damage our drinking causes. Im grateful that you are working on living a addiction free lifestyle.
You are still early in your recovery with 30 days under your belt. Keep working on it - the more days you can stack up - the stronger and healthier you will be.
Give space to your ex. It takes time for our loved ones to forgive us and our actions (unfortunately sometimes they are never able to get past the hurt). The best we can do is work on our sobriety and better ourselves. Hopefully our actions and progress will be noticed.
Do you have support in real life? Do you attend any meetings / are you working the step program? Im thinking the program might help with making amends and dealing with the guilt. We cant change the past we can work on being better each day from here on forward.
I went through something similar in 2019. What caused me to quit then was a fight I got into with my bf at the time. First thing in the morning I was yelling, punching, and then I BIT him! All while my daughter ate breakfast.
I was able to abstain for 2 whole months, with the help of this place, but that was about it. All I could think about was everything horrible I’d done during the past few years. I didn’t have the energy to do anything. On my 2 month exactly, sitting and stewing as usual, I looked up AA meetings near me. It was fate that one 4 blocks away started in half an hour. I asked them how do I stop thinking about my regrets and I learned the way. Not to forget, but accept them as they are bc you cannot change it now. I went every single day after that.
I hope you can find some relief some how. It is hard to sit with yourself sometimes. Once you are able to, you’ll enjoy it. All the best
The damage is absolutely horrible, it’s one of my biggest motivators in staying sober.
I hope one day he can forgive me, mostly because I want forgiveness to help heal him.
I started working the steps when I was in recovery, and I attend meetings when I can. But when I’m back from vacation, I’m going to start going to more meetings and find a sponsor because I know it’ll help me tremendously
Thank you for reading and offering support, I appreciate it so much
You’re completely right on not forgetting but accepting regrets. It’s already done and I have to learn to live with everything.
I know once I put in more constant work, especially with meetings that it’ll be more manageable, but it’s tough to remember that.
It helps knowing I’m not the only one with similar experiences
There are so many programs of recovery that can help you deal with all that life throws at us. . . Guilt, Shame, self-loathing, negative self talk. I’m 2.5 years sober finally. And I’ve never felt more serenity in my life, all due to my commitment to and participation in recovery.
Edit: I saw your plan for the future. There is a private Women in AA group here that I will invite you too if you are interested. Hang in there, friend. Many of us were right where you are today.
I acted very similarly towards an ex girlfriend and got similar results. Eventually she (smartly) cut off all contact. I’m nearing 6 years sober now so it’s been a while, and we’ve only had limited interactions since then. My amends to her is to stay out of her life. Even though I am sober now I did so much damage to her that it would be really selfish of me to even assume we could be friends, let alone try.
Obviously I am very at peace with all of this now. But I had to put the work in to get here. This type of guilt just doesn’t go away, you need to process it. By going to AA and working the steps I was able to completely free myself of the guilt and make amends to my ex
Thank you so much. It’s a lot of daily work and im not going to give up. It’s definitely a struggle some days though.
And thank you for the invite, I will definitely join!
You’re completely right. I did a lot of damage and I can’t continue with selfishness. By cutting ties with me, he’s doing what’s best for him and he deserves that.
Thank you for sharing your experience, it helps so much.
