Today something clicked. There is a hole in my life that can’t be filled by a behaviour or inanimate items. I’m lonely and scared.
My entire life I’ve been rejected. It’s hurt and has left its marks.
Family:
I’ve been rejected by my family for as long as I can remember.
I was never allowed to play with my sisters as I didn’t follow their rules. They would want to pretend to have a family in Playmobil and I’d just wanted to grab all attention by being loud and having my characters constantly blow up.
When we’d visit people, I was rarely allowed to play with them. I was too childish.
All my cousins used to do activities together from time to time. I was always excluded. My sisters weren’t. As a result, it doesn’t feel I have any family besides my siblings.
Some cousins were visiting my brother this morning at my house. I barely said a word. I was sure I’d be rejected, always have been. I know I was different, I had undiagnosed ADHD and ASD. I want to have a family. I want people to visit my birthday. But that doesn’t happen anymore. Few people truly care enough for me. There are people on TS who care more than my family, most I think actually. Because my family doesn’t care at all.
School and locals:
I’ve been to three elementary schools(age 4-12/grade 1-8).
My first was a good school. I don’t recall any major negative memories.
Then I moved and with that came a new school. I was rather problematic, likely due to my toxic home situation. But I never was targeted. Until I left that school because it was a pretty bad school. They started bullying me. They’d attack me with 20 at a time, never really hurt me though. I’d take off my wooden shoes and I’d start hitting them in the head(I was 8 and unwilling to have my ass beat).
But there was emotional pain. They rejected me and I didn’t know why until many years later. I was the school traitor. Fucking childish.
At my new school, everything was good. I was the new guy as I entered rather late, but I quickly made friends. But around the time I was 11, everyone was starting to mature, but I wasn’t yet. Likely due to my autism. In no time I was excluded from everything and all my friends except one turned on me. Children are evil.
I was so happy when I finally went to middle school. In my grade, everyone was smart and able to think about their actions. The first six months were great. And then they discovered how easy it was to make me aggressive(daily abuse never does anyone favours). They found it hilarious. The next year was hell. Then I started gaming. People noticed how good I was and wanted to play with me. All of a sudden I was accepted. I’ve been accepted at school since then.
But when I went to middle school, I also moved town again. Again made friends quickly. The first year was great. But one day, a bunch of sixteen-year-olds assaulted me(I was 13) after I defended my low-functioning autistic brother. I was there with a bunch of friends. No one helped me. They all laughed at me. My brother did too. My father blamed me: It must be my fault that I got bullied everywhere…
The next two years were hell. I was both bullied whenever I went into town and at school. At one point I even threatened a hometown bully with a pocket knife after he was fucking around with my bicycle. He called my bluff. But I wasn’t bluffing. I tried stabbing him, but my knife was blunt. I am very grateful for that. Had I succeeded, my life would probably have been a lot worse.
After my parents divorced I moved and never had any issues with neighbourhood people again.
I’ve been betrayed by many friends. I’ve been consistently rejected. My self-image has been scarred severely. I’m different and that’s bad. Society doesn’t want me…
Rehab:
Even in rehab, this shit happened. I was an easy target as I had chronic self-pity. A group of boys threw fries, cookie crumbs or whatever they could get their hands on at me. I stood up for myself, but they didn’t give a fuck. Eventually, the major part of the community started defending me which was heartwarming.
I also was assaulted there twice. The first time I had pissed someone off by asking them not to curse with cancer. They wanted to get out of rehab and there was a zero violence policy. So he decided to assault me. He pushed me, called me a cancer whore and tried tackling me. I have strong legs though, so that’s kinda hard. By that time a coach had already stepped in between, so I wasn’t able to register in time that he wasn’t playing but actually was trying to fight me which is a good thing. I’d have unleashed years of rage on him.
The second time, my roommate was losing at chess so he threw the table on me. For some reason that didn’t count as violence as I had to bunk with him the rest of my stay.
I’m 18 now and so far my life has consisted mostly of rejections. There are only 4 people who care about me or are my friends. My mom, my formerly abusive dad, my youngest sister and my best friend.
He’s the only person who comes to my birthdays. My oldest sister and her husband never contact me. They have barely spent any time with me after rehab. In their eyes, I’m still an annoying addict I think. They have not been able to see my change properly. There are two types of people who visit my birthday besides my siblings. My friends, which is one. And my mother’s friends who are really there for my mom.
I have many acquaintances from both work and school. But I’m too scared to really become friends. Why would they want to be friends with someone who’s different?
At least I have Bowie now. Even though he’s a dog, he cares more than most family.
Realizing this has been bitter sweet. For some reason the loneliness is amplified. But now that I’m aware, I can fight it.
I’m going to have a good chat with my therapist tomorrow.
