Hi guys, been a while since I made a topic. 
I am wondering about social anxiety. Like. I have it. The reasons why I drank so heavily in social contexts, before the alone drinking became a big big deal, defo included: Hating myself and not being able to feel like I could connect with people. Constantly comparing myself to literally everyone else around me and feeling so so inferior, like it was an insult to others if I even showed my face 
also being majorly affected by othersā moods, their reactions or perceived reactions to me, I would absolutely obsess over things said or faces made, it would never leave me alone and I would literally lose a lot of sleep over it. Iām the girl who writes that either apologetic or smoothing-over-a-hurt-she-is-supressing thankful text the next day, without fail.
I went to one of my best friendsā birthday party yesterday. The absolute majority of my old crowd was there. People I used to see drunk every (other) weekend, at every bday party, or even lived with and saw on a daily basis. I still care very much for some of them, that became apparent to me again yesterday: that also outside all the drinking and the shit we have been through, there are some very fine people there. Yesterdayās birthday girl also got sober with me, although she didnāt develop alcoholism, sheās definitely abused alcohol to cope with stuff and used to drink a great deal and just cut it out completely last year xmas time. Our friendship has benefitted greatly from this, we are much more honest and emotionally close now, which I am super grateful for. 
Anyway, she was having a blast, sober and all. I was sitting right on the edge of the group, watching, the comparing was there, maybe on 30% it used to be. I didnāt talk to anyone (two ppl shortly). I was very anxious and self-conscious and highly aware of my dogs. One of them was in a bad mood, she doesnāt like big groups and was fearful (you can see why my therapist likes to say I see myself in herā¦) the other one is my new puppy and she didnāt calm down but was super hyper and in the end barked incessantly as it was getting darker and louder. So we left early, as it was no place for the dogs.
I did not beat myself up (ok, 40% beating up, but big improvement) over feeling like I had no connection and being the odd one out, that I couldnāt talk much to anyone due to dogs and being stuck on my blanket with them. I told myself that I am just better in small groups, just with one or two people, and I do consider myself to be a good friend and listener. But I was useless yesterday. I told myself that I will make an effort to see the people I care most about in the near future in a different setting. But why are social occasion so hard for me? 
This wasnāt even the worst party, seriously this was probably the best one since I got sober (and before, obvs)! The last one was so bad it triggered a serious depressive episode and everyone got apology texts again! I was dead and dying inside of self-hate and anxiety. That was at the end of July. 
Even though I am in a much better place with my self-image and self-love (as in, I have some now. but old habits of self-flaggellation die hard and thereās definitely room for improvement still on the self-love scale!), I must admit I was so uncomfortable. Much less than usual, but I had zero fun. It was hardly tolerable and I was relieved to get going. And this was an evening with only friends in a public park. I canāt even fathom going to an indoors-thing with strangers there!
You guys, I often read on here that folks deal with social anxiety too. How does it manifest for you and how do you deal, now that you are sober?
Many thanks for reading this much text and for replying if you want to share some with this angsty girl! 
Hope everyone is having a fab sober weekend! Hugs! 
