I have been sober for 6 and a half years November 19th will mark 7 years for me. And I mean sober, not one relapse in that entire time, so lots to be proud of and I don’t take it for granted because you are always one bad decision away from going back. So everyday you have to reaffirm that belief in yourself and tell yourself that today, you will do the right thing, make smart decisions, and most importantly avoid any persons, places, or things that can be a trigger. If you think about it, this process can be exhausting. My issue is I am a veteran, I was an infantry man in the early years of the Iraq war, so my days were filled with fire fights, clearing structures, and of course ied’s. I always hated ied’s i would rather take on 20 enemy soldiers by myself than hit an ied, I think some who read this will understand that statement while others won’t. Anyways after I was blown up, shot and generally used up I eventually left the army after 6 years and now I was left to my own devices. Problem was for all my injuries they fed me tons of pain killers and when I got out and went to the VA the doctor saw what I was given and he was shocked so he cut me off cold turkey. This might have been fine but he didn’t offer to send me to rehab or the addiction clinic to maybe put me on methadone (suboxone was not as well known back then). This is a pretty typical story mine is not unique. So i went to heroin, and meth and I fought this for years, and in the process I lost everything my wife, my son, my car, my home, and all my money. But miraculously one day almost 7 years ago I made a decision I loaded up a whole gram of heroin and as much meth as I could and did a shot, the deal was it was either going to kill me, but if I somehow lived i would get sober. Well I did stop my heart but I left my front door unlocked and my ex girlfriend happened to be driving by and wanted up check on me and lucky for me she is a nurse, she found me with no heartbeat and my lips and skin were turning blue and she didn’t hesitate she saved my life, of course I didn’t know this because she was gone by the time I woke up so I rewatched the camera and saw what she did. I am married to this woman, happily married. But as I titled this long term pitfalls what I mean is while I was using I could hide from my nightmares and racing thoughts, but now I am sober and even though I have almost 7 years I realized recently that I can no longer hide from those nightmares and racing thoughts so they have tried medication anxiety meds, sleep meds, meds that suppress my nightmares, etc. But even with all those meds I still find myself most nights lying next to my wife staring at the ceiling while my mind goes through this endless loop, some thoughts and nightmares are about my friends all 26 that were killed and some, are about my life while I was fighting my addiction and to be honest I am embarrassed at the things I did, the people I hurt. So some days when my mind is quiet I am ok I am in a decent mood I get things done, cut the grass, go to the gym etc. But then other days my mind won’t shut up and it makes me want to eat a pistol, the sad thing is I am not afraid to pull the trigger but I never would because I would not traumatize my wife and mother finding me like that, they are the only reason I haven’t done it. Plus my mom is dying of cancer and she made me promise to stay sober, and when she died I am not allowed to use her death as a reason to relapse, and under no circumstance am I allowed to kill myself so I will keep my promise. But I am still concerned that I even have these thoughts. I know that out of the guys in my platoon that made it home from that first deployment 4 of them have killed themselves. I always used to joke and say that how could you even do that what could be so bad, but now that I am sober I understand. I got rid of all my firearms to be safe, but sometimes I think it would be easier to be high so I could quiet my mind just for a few days. But this is obviously not an option. I don’t really have a point to this post I think maybe just putting it down in writing helps and knowing others may actually read it and understand might help too. If one person responds and tells me that they have felt the same I won’t feel so alone. Anyways if you have made it this far thank you for listening.
My best friend Joshua served there, too, in the early days. Some days we just sit quietly in the garden, and I hold his hand. I think the best thing we can do sometimes is quietly bear witness for each other. Congrats on your time. You are seen here.
Thank you for that means alot it is nice to be seen and know your not alone
Thank you for your service and congrats on 7 years sober. I dont have your lived experience but i had ptsd and suicidal thoughts. Regular emdr therapy with a trusted therapist helped me move thru the ptsd. Something had me stuck and reliving the trauma but it was on loop and i was suffering…willing to try anything as my quality of life was poor. Emdr saved my life. I highly recommend. Find someone whos experienced and trained.
Good job on getting the guns out of the house. Stay with us. Keep up the good fight because there can be a beautiful life on the other side of trauma. You have to work thru it and face it to get beyond it.