I’m usually just behind the scenes reading a lot of stories. There’s so many topics here and I have tried searching for the problem I’m having but not having luck. Sorry, it’s a little long.
Long story short, I’ve been sober for almost 7 months. The longest time ever and I don’t ever want to go back. I initially quit drinking 5 years ago but it only lasted 2 months.
I have a friend who I have been friends with for 40 years. We met when I got divorced after getting married at 19, fresh out of high school. We had so much fun. I felt like I was finally getting to see what I had missed since I got married so young. We did a lot of clubbing and more.
Fast forward to 40 years later. We have both been through a lot of stuff, we both drank a lot but I finally decided that I don’t want that life anymore. Our friendship has been suffering for a long time, she is deep in her alcoholism, deep depression. Her drinking has ruined her relationship with her family, friends but her husband just looks the other way.
Ok now to my dilemma, I’m sure most of you know what I’m going to say. I’ve been telling her for over a year that I need a break from our friendship. She is not letting it go. She constantly sends me drunk texts, being extremely mean, threatening to expose me to whatever she thinks I’ve done. I finally blocked her and her husband’s phone so I can’t get her calls or texts. She’s now sending emails and voice messages telling me that she needs me. I’ve sent replies telling her that I can’t be her support person that all I can do is support myself. I asked her to respect my boundaries. But in return she is continuing to send me ultimatums. I feel so guilty treating her like this but I know I can’t help her. I am a in home care aide and all I do is take care of people, 7 days a week. I have no life.
How do I deal with this situation? I don’t want to give up on 40 years, she really is a good person if she just would stop drinking. She really is the only friend I have outside of work and all I have is the one person that I take care of 60+ hours a week. I do have my family, they are great and very supportive. When I’m not working all I want to do is just relax at home. AA is not for me, I’ve tried it but I hate going out once I’m home.
Thank you all for taking time to read this. I’m also very grateful to have found this community. I have found a lot of great support just reading your stories. Keep fighting the fight, it’s truly worth it.
Hi Liz,
good that you talk about it, that’s an ugly situation on top of your already intense lifeload.
There are some shares on similar situations in the loved ones thread I remember. Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?
I’ve been in the same situation. Friends since schooltime, she still drinking and not working on her issues, me sober and working a lot on my issues.
In my opinion you already did the right things: clear boundaries, detach, block, protect yourself, refuse guilt-tripping.
From my point of view, this friendship has lost its solid ground to the bottle. You protect yourself and your free time, you communicate clear, the problem is: You are talking to the bottle. And as we know: they don’t listen, respect or are aware of anything. The drunk is about me, me and more me.
You can do nothing but close down all communication channels for your own sanity.
It is what I did. After a few months my friend realized that it is either sober communication (like your friend she is a great person when sober) or I disappear into unavailability again. We have no contact besides season greetings and birthday wishes now because I’m fed up with her drunken blabla mimimi from the last time.
It feels bad. To be honest not engaging in drunk drama is the only solution when boundaries get disrespected. This trying to threat you when you don’t engage is bullshit, an ego-trip of illusion that people can force things that only work when given voluntarily and with love. And it is a form of violence, emotional blackmail. At this point your friend long ago left the solid ground of a reliable, mutual, respectful friendship.
Let go of your personal illusion that this quality friendship still exists, it doesn’t. It’s not your friend speaking, it’s the alcohol personality throwing a tantrum. Your beloved sober friend is burried somewhere under it. Not reachable until she decides to get sober.
Sending kindness & hugs
You are not alone, many many people face this kind of hurtful experiences. Take good care of yourself and put your energy into relationships that nurture a good, peaceful life
You need to put you and your sobriety first. Since she can’t understand or respect that, you made the right choice to enforce your boundaries. Maybe she will eventually come around. Maybe, when and if you choose to continue to be friends, you could arrange to see her in a situation totally removed from drinking and related activities. Maybe you part ways. Sometimes, to make a positive change for ourselves, we need to break from people or places that are a negative influence.
