I can’t believe it’ll be 50 days on Saturday, but at the same time It’s been a very trying time. I’ve seen my life get better I so many ways, but have faced a lot of new challenges as well as pre-existing ones that I was ignoring by drinking. Stopping helped me see what I was hiding from, and helped me find healthier ways to cope.
I am still regularly tempted to return to drinking, both by trying to convince myself I’ve gone long enough and I’m fine drinking in moderation, and by losing my conviction that I can get through life without it and be a better person by staying sober. But I am undeniably healthier, happier, and more clear-minded than I ever was as a drinker. Everyone has noticed. I’ve also found a medication balance for my bipolar disorder and understand how I’m supposed to feel when the medicine is working, and it’s truly a blessing. I don’t want to mess it up with alcohol and throw myself back into the misery of that imbalance.
I’m running an 8k in Seattle this weekend with my family, so I’ll be celebrating my 50 days crossing the finish line in downtown of my favorite city on the planet.
All that being said, my husband has threatened divorce 3 times, and I’ve realized he’s the instigator of our fights, not me. I was never able to tell before I got sober, but now that my head is clear and I’m calmer I see it happening in the moment. I don’t love him any more, but I’m not ready to quit. So there’s a dark side to my sobriety. I could ignore how toxic and broken our relationship was before by staying drunk. Now it’s staring me in the face and I don’t know where to get the strength to work through this. I want it to work out-- it’s my second marriage and I’m so afraid of being a “double divorcee.” But really I feel like not wanting to get divorced again is really all that’s holding me back right now. Financial security is almost the only thing that is keeping me here, as shallow as that is, and ironically material things mean very little to me. But I digress. My point is that clarity is a double-edged sword and really is the thing that scares me the most about being sober. Facing the truth is hard.
I do know I love myself and I’m proud of myself, even if no one in my life understands why I quit and what I gained from it. Thank you all for being a part of my journey. I love you from afar and hold you all dear to my heart.
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Fantastic post. I wish you all the best. The clarity of sobriety can be really scary. I realize looking back that all my longterm relationships, before current one, were disasters enabled by drinking. But its so hard to face those things. Have a wonderful 8k, good luck and STAY SOBER.
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Thank you so very much for the encouragement, @Blueroom. I imagine it’s a fairly common affliction, and I hope other newbies like me can look forward to the truths that accompany sobriety. It really is the path to happiness, but undeniably difficult and scary. Good luck with you too, and best wishes! 
Beautiful! Brought tears to my eyes. You are amazing and you should be so very proud of you! Keep on going!
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So happy for your sobriety, clarity and 50 days. Hope you rock your run!
Great story! Congratulations on 50! I’m way too familiar with your story! I was also married and in an unhappy marriage. There was actually a brief time I tried to quit drinking, he was also a big drinker. The relationship was not what I wanted in life, I wasn’t happy and I was in the most lonely marriage ever. He made a comment one day “man you’re a bitch!!! You were so much more fun when you were drunk… go get a fucking drink!”. That was the last time I was sober for more than a week until now. He made almost 6 figures and I didn’t make much at all so pulling the plug on a marriage knowing I had to resort to paying for a house and everything that came with it scared the hell out of me and I didn’t know how I could ever survive. But I did. This was about 5 years ago and I’ve rebuilt my life from the ground up with my daughter who is now 18. I would have rather been broke eating a can of corn every day for dinner than staying one more day being married with money in a crappy relationship. Find the strength and willpower to take the path in life that makes you truly happy! (Whatever that may be) Everybody deserves to be happy!!!
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Good morning Jynxjo. An awesome congratulation on your sober time. The 8k sounds like something you are going to enjoy. I see you have some difficult things ahead of you to deal with. As daunting as this seems at the time I know you can dig deep and find the strength to do this. Keep in mind though it seems hard you will be able to make much better choices sober than not. As we sober up all of us are finding lots of great awesome things but we also have to face things we have been ignoring hiding from or pretending about. For better or worse our own personal so called wonderland has been shut down. For me I am good with that.I don’t want another ticket for that ride. My prayers and thoughts are with you that will be your decision as well.
Thank you! I really appreciate the support, it means so much. 
Thanks @SassyRocks! I’m really stoked for this run. I haven’t done this race in 5 years, and it is by far my favorite. Glad to enjoy it in good health and no hangover, lol!
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Thank you for sharing your story, @Kmills888. I’m so glad things have worked out for you. It’s one of those things where I know I’ll be happy on the other side if I just do what I need to do now. But it’s so hard when you’ve grown those roots and become so entangled in each other. But I really can’t get enough of hearing others’ stories bc it reminds me I’m not alone. I really appreciate it.
@NewFuture, you are totally right, but I’m happy that most of the shutdown really is for the best, at least for me. The grieving process is long and hard, tho, and getting thru that is a struggle. Your advice and encouragement is wonderful, thank you for being real with me like that. A lot of this sobering up is, coincidentally, very sobering. But it’s also a lot like an 8k: beginning - what the hell am I doing? Middle - why the hell did I do this?! End - holy crap, I’m so glad I did this!!! It’s worth the pain and struggle, I know it deep down every step of the way, I just lose sight sometimes while consumed by fear or pain.
I owe a lot to the wisdom of others on this site, and you are among the wise. Thank you.
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Congratulations on reaching your milestone (tomorrow)! Even though you have tough choices to make, it’s such a great feeling that you’re making them from a clear place. There’ll be no need for you to second guess the decisions you’re making.
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Thank you for sharing with us. I have those same thoughts about drinking in moderation and I’m on day 32. Wishing you the best this weekend!!
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Just want to add that 50 days in… your emotions are still all over the place. Please give sobriety the chance to rebuild with your husband. You can give it a year. Rather than a lifetime of regret if you make any decisions in haste.
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