I have been drinking since Covid actively once or twice a week. Doesn’t seem like much but my hangovers can last two days. I maybe have one or two good days a week with my four kids and husband. He was recently injured Achilles’ tendon rupture and is out of work for 3 months. This has been hard on both of us. I’m doing everything I feel single but he is here and is very depressed. My way of not feeling alone “alcohol “ I have odd triggers but I wrote them down and thought maybe other people could share theirs and we could help each other find better ways to cope. I would love any advice. I want to change I want to be the best mom and wife I know I was from 2010-2020.
Triggers
- [ ] Phone calls that are over 15 minutes
- [ ] Family problems out of my control
- [ ] Stressing and worrying over money running out.
- [ ] Court
- [ ] Calvin going to elementary school, last baby, this chapter of my life is over. -this is the hardest-
- [ ] Thinking of all the mistakes I’ve made as a mom, feeling like I’m more fun to them when I’m drunk and then regretting it inevitably.
- [ ] Feeling alone in my marriage, don’t feel like I can really talk to him without being judged.
- [ ] Don’t feel like I have anywhere to go. Everyone in the house is doing their own thing and I get bored and just drink.
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I don’t think your triggers are odd, I can relate to many. Sounds you have a lot on your plate. Can you get some assistance to handle the daily struggles better? Do you have the opportunity to go to a meeting or doing an online meeting? Sharing your buden and talking about might make it less heavy.
You are not alone. Take it one day at a time. Put your sober head on the pillow in the evening. As you said: Days without hangover are better days. Be sober just for now.
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Sadly I live in a very small town and there is one AA meeting at a church and I went once and I felt so judged and it made me want to drink more. A lot of the people looked at me like I wasn’t a real alcoholic and I didn’t have a problem. I come off like I have everything together but I’m a mess. Anytime I have told people about what I’m going through they just kinda laugh and are like you are a such a good mother your house is always clean you are gorgeous bla bla bla. It is a vicious circle of no one taking me seriously and having a hard time finding any help in this very small backwards town: I am looking into going possibly to another town to a meeting if I can it’s just hard we have no family to help. I don’t want to leave him with the kids by himself injured.
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There are online meetings 24/7 you could join. Are there social workers or kind of community nurses who could help you to get help?
It’s sad but common that people don’t understand that there is a massive problem. Be sober for yourself, refuse to take the first sip. Try to treat yourself with something you like, like 5 minutes walking outside alone to center yourself. Sending you strength.
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Hey Kristin,
Welcome! Glad you’re here. It doesn’t matter what we look like to other people on the outside, it doesn’t even matter how much we drink relative to each other or anyone else, we’re all here because we cannot control our addictive urges. And why would we be able to? This stuff is designed to be toxic to the mind.
So you’re here- step one is complete. Have a look around and read other peoples stories, take comfort that you’re not alone and looks for strategies which might resonate with you and help out.
There are online AA meetings you could attend, I think there’s even a 24hr one I’ve seen mentioned and female only ones I remember being referenced. You can do it at a time to suit you and not get in the way of the many other things you’ve got going on.
What you write above makes you sound very lonely. Even though you don’t want to, it makes sense to try and talk about this with your husband. A problem shared… also alcohol dependency and lying/covering things up creep closer and closer together. If you can break those habits and be honest with your husband you’ll help yourself in the long run. It sounds like a time of great change in your life and if you’re not careful the drinking might spiral further if you continue to feel lonely.
Keep checking in with us- we’re all on your path with you
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Thank you, I will definitely be looking into some online resources.
My husband is very emotionless and doesn’t see what I’m going through he is very black and white. If I ask for his help or try and speak of my goals he just says “if you want to quit then you will quit no one else can do that” it just triggers me even more to talk to him. 
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Lol same trigger for me with the phone. Well, I hardly ever talk to anyone but my sisters for more than 15 minutes, but anyway. If my phone even rings or my doorbell rings… and turning the phone off doesn’t help because checking it and seeing 10 missed calls is even worse. Idk.
I also live in a small ass backwards town. Don’t know a lot of people here (but they know me don’t ask me how). “Hey you’re so and so that lives at so and so you ever think about selling your house?” “Hey you live on x street right, man you need to cut your grass before the city fines you.” Well I don’t like cutting grass when I’m drunk OK? Mind your own business. Or (since I’m living with a friend right now bec. I’m getting ready to sell my house) they track me down at his house in the middle of nowhere “Hey someone told me you were staying down here, you thinking about selling your house in town?” HOW DO THEY EVEN KNOW? I’VE NEVER MET THEM AND I NEVER TOLD ANYONE ELSE WHERE I WAS STAYING! But, I digress.
That is one of my triggers for sure. People not leaving me the hell alone. We don’t have any meetings in our town, I was going out of town before Covid when it all shut down but I haven’t started going back. Nearest one is a 30 minute drive anyway. But I’ve started using online communities and they help a lot. This place helps, I used to only lurk but started posting yesterday. You could always vent here, it’s really supportive. I can’t really offer relationship advice but something that works for me when I’m feeling alone is to go for a walk. When I was staying in town I’d walk down to the park and sit and watch traffic for a while. Even if I wasn’t engaging in it, seeing the world moving around in front of me made me feel more a part of it. I’ve developed little rituals for myself to try to replace the drinking. Hot tea or coffee is a good one. I have my coffee in the morning outside or by the window and I write down some bullets about things I’m nervous or stressed about, then on the opposite page I write just a few bullets of things I’m proud of or good things about me. Then I put it away and forget about it for the day. End of day I have my tea, something relaxing like Sleepytime tea, and I take it out and mark through the stresses and write a few things that went well that day or that I accomplished. Mostly it’s a mindfulness/meditation thing. I do that, then I can just focus on the warm mug in my hand, warm tea in my mouth, taste it, swallow, the warmth in my belly. Meditation, breathing, walking, yoga, little rituals like that all help me.
I don’t know about the feeling alone. I do too sometimes but I suppose it’s worse if you feel like someone is actively ignoring you. I embrace being alone though. I don’t always see it as negative. I embrace being alone and enjoy it a lot sometimes because regardless of being alone, I go outside and just watch and listen and I feel like I’m part of the world anyway. But I have here for when I want to talk about something. As much as I love my friend I’m staying with I don’t like talking to just one person all the time and I still need my completely alone time.
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Afternoon, sorry to hear yuur having a rough time but I think we’ve all had them. As far as triggers even after 555 days of sobriety I still have the same tiggers as day 1. Rough days, arguments with family members, stress. It all comes down to making the choices you know you should. Alcohol always lead me down a dark path and as much as I think it will help me I know what the end result is. If you need something better than AA in my opinion I went through an online sobriety course called beyond sober. it helped me in more ways than one.
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Hmm that doesn’t sound very supportive, though he’s not wrong. Only we can make the choice to live a sober life!
Hang out here instead there are lots of talkative people
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Welcome Kristin. I’m glad you’re here. @james83 and @erntedank gave you some good stuff. I agree with James,you need not concern yourself with how others view you. We ARE all here because we cannot control our addictive urges. And erntedank is right about virtual meetings. If you aren’t comfortable in any group I feel you should try to find a group where you are comfortable. Everyone on TS will support you and offer advice and help. Take it slow. Be kind to yourself.
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