Hiya, since the first of Jan this year I’ve decided to make the changes in my life to stop drinking. I’ve found benefit upon benefit from this. Ranging from adressing my mental health, to just having a better start to the day. I’ve even been lucky to have a partner who rarely drinks any way and whose time I’ve been able to enjoy more. And one best friend who is literally allegic to alcohol so when we’re allowed to mix, that relationship can only be improved by me not being smashed an hour into an afternoon lunch.
However I also have a best friend, who has been nothing but unsupportive since I started to even discuss making a change. I figured this was all just in jest initially, “well how will you come out then?” and other, what I thought were off the cuff comments. This month has been so hard for me with having my mam rushed to hospital and possibly having to go into care. I’ve had to be made an executor to a will and I’m dealing with trying to get her the care she needs as she is now increasingly disabled with MS. All of this has only been made possible to emotionally deal with, because I’m sober. And now, because I’m making decisions to put myself first, to not do drunk zooms and phone calls, he doesn’t want to know. This evening he has told me he’ll see me when I stop being WEIRD!! I absolutely know it’s jealousy as he was in hospital over Xmas and told his drinking needs to stop. I have never made a big deal about not drinking, or asked for his support with it as I know he is not the person to ask when he is clearly struggling with addiction also. I have been working part time as extra income with him over lockdown and had to stop when he was making morning coffees with Baileys in it. I am absolutely furious with how he has tried to make this a bad thing that I am doing as though I have personally attacked or victimised him. I’m not even sad right now (though I know that will come). Has anyone else been made to feel like this? How do you deal with it? Sorry this was long, thanks for reading if you made it this far haha
Your friend sounds like a crab in a bucket. This may help you understand
I believe that I will loose friends too in the future because of not being that crazy Drunk Tony. But, I also know I will meet new friends.
That, is the most perfect thing I’ve read in ages. (Yoda-Stevie I think I pressed the flag button on your post, it was an accident if I did 
). I think I’m more shocked that he’s doing this, I think before I knew about his reason for being in hospital over Xmas, I had always assumed he’d be supportive. But I guess part of this whole journey is realising this. Thanks for replying
That’s going to be interesting navigating less close friendships I think after lockdown ends. I’m just hoping I can maybe make some more local to me, like minded people
I’ve lost friends when I quit drinking, but what I’ve gained is far more important and fulfilling. Some of the ones I’ve lost stung a bit, but the pain goes away. Sobriety is strange that way.
Regarding this friendship all you can do is lead by example. Which you are. Like you say it’s very probably jealousy on his part, mixed with self loathing that makes him act this way. Simple fact is also that your lifestyles don’t go together anymore. he’s in active addiction and you’re not. He needs to change. You can help with that only a little bit. It’s up to him. In the meanwhile keep doing you. You’re doing great.
Thanks so much, I needed to hear that. I think I just find it utterly astounding that I’ve managed to lose someone I care about, in lockdown where my socialising isn’t even leaving the house 
. I thought I’d geared myself up for things like this being a possibility, but having them happen before lockdown ends has brought things forward by a few months I guess. Reminds me none of this is going to be over an allocated time line though, so that’s pretty grounding 
Yeah I think it just hurt reading messages saying that he needs to be around more positive people and will speak when I’m “less weird”. Even having given myself a few minutes since rage typing my original post, I can see by more positive, he means more drink positive. I think this really is going to be strange,but as hurt as I am, I know I’m making the right decisions for me right now. And I really can’t wait to hopefully meet more people with the same interest in life
I suppose that that’s one of the (very few) benefits of not having any friends… I certainly don’t have to worry / think about their opinions !
Seems like theirs lots of friends to be made here for you
For a while I had myself CONVINCED that alcohol WAS my only true best friend. Always there for me, listened to me without talking back, never let me down… 
Until I met an actual person who taught me “friend” and I learned what a true friend is… 41 days sober after 30 years of trying to get here… I’ve finally returned to the fellowship and now my life is FILLED with people who love 
and care about me. Support and encourage me… NEVER let me down actually… and I keep what I have by giving it away!! 
Change is good. Embrace it whether good or bad. The good ones will always stick around!you’re on your own path. You can’t control others. You and you’re loved one will and always will be your rock. Trust in the unknown my friend.
Hey there…sorry you’re dealing with this. Knowing many addicts and alcoholics in my life, I find it helpful, when speaking with those in active addiction, to remember “this is not about me” when they start making some kind of off color remark or under handed comment about my sobriety. Sometimes I’ll repeat it to myself silently as they speak. “This is not about me…this is not about me” now I’m not quite sure what I said and who I blamed when I was in active addiction (well…probably everybody for everything tbh) but I surely know that it was all a projection of the deep pain I was in, and the frustration that I felt for anybody choosing something different than me. One thing is definite though… YOUR sobriety is what’s most important here. So keep doing what you have to go stay sober, friend or no friend. It’s the only life raft we’ve got ya know?
I suppose, for him, it can be hard to lose someone who resides in that same low frequency.
“Misery loves company.”
Friends dont bash on your goals.
Just keep your attention on your growth, maybe it will inspire him, maybe it wont.
You’re evolution is about you, people grow with you or they dont.
as though I have personally attacked or victimised him
I absolutely know it’s jealousy
When I was drinking, it was a threat to me when a friend went sober. I knew what my internal struggle with alcohol was, I knew what my consumption was, and I knew what my friend’s consumption was to some degree. I put all that together in my messed up brain. And a friend who went sober WAS a threat, because they were not “as bad” as me, but if they had so much trouble that they “had” to quit (who would just quit for the hell of it?), where did that leave me? I wasn’t jealous, I was afraid, deathly afraid that I would have to stop drinking, too.
Your friend is on his own path. Your paths may cross again someday. But he is doing what all “real” alcoholics do, he’s protecting his drinking.
That’s a really thought provoking response actually so thank you. When I wrote my post I was just full of emotion and not taking anything else into account so that’s actually really helpful to try and feel less anger and resentment about it all. It also makes me wonder who I might have unknowingly made feel uncomfortable by saying something about them not drinking, so maybe a good tging to think about that before I hold place for resentment. And yeah, I really hope our paths do cross again and in happy terms
Your friend is selfishly focusing on their needs not yours. You need to set boundaries with your friend. If they don’t respect those boundaries them maybe its time to get another friend. Sobriety is hard. Its harder when you lack support from people who are supposed to care about you like friends and family.
I took the afternoon to have a break, re think and regroup with this. To all of you who have replied to me, thank you. It honestly means the world to be listened to, and given such sound advice. I think everyone is right, his response isn’t about me. I’m glad I didn’t just fire off an angry response to him and popped my upset on here, it’s given me a lot of perspective. It’s also given me a huge boost to just keep doing what I’m doing. Thanks for being kind, and thank you all for giving me the extra motivation I really needed today. Its been invaluable x
@lrz hope you are still doing well… I’m thought I’d miss some people that were my closest “friends” before however I’m realizing I can no longer be friends… close… anyway, just from a distance. All good people with very bad problems… which I’d like to think was me before sobriety, so I remind myself… that’s not my friend that’s their addiction… when they act or say mean things. I too was the same to those who don’t use and once upon a time couldn’t really be my friend because of my bad behavior. Now that I have a little time under my belt I’m realizing I don’t really miss those ‘friends’ that are still in active addiction… I just love them from afar… check on them by text or call occasionally and put my recovery first and foremost! I really hope you’re doing ok. 
