No I knew what you meant, I was saying spend a little bit of time now while everything is great in your mind formulating a recovery plan. Write down exactly how your feeling right now the morning after your stumble so that you can read it next time your tempted. I think that everyone here can relate to the tricks or minds play on us once we have stopped feeling rough, we feel a bit better and forget the negatives Friv drinking or using and we start to get the idea of having a drink etc. It will help your, example the next time that you get a craving you can play the tape through, take a look at what you’ve written and remind yourself that that it’s how you will feel the next day. Maybe look up your local twelve step meeting for your drug of choice and go to it, that will give you something to do. 
Hello there jack, thank you for your honest share. I must say your type of addiction is intriguing to me since it is one i can least relate to. When I read your story, behind the anger, I feel that there is something you desire but not sure what. What is it that you would like to do or acheive?
I’m not sure. To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure if this problem has a big impact on my brain since it only happens more or less once a week. I think the larger effects I experience might come from self-imposed detatchment since I have a fear of it affecting true and genuine experiences.
If I want to achieve something… I guess I just desire to be a genuine person that feels like myself. To experience things how they’re naturally meant to be experienced. Or to take a piece of my youth with me as I get older. Over time I’ve sort of felt more and more distant from myself, especially after graduating from high school and leaving a lot of classmates, and with my waning interests, and this problem makes me feel really terrible.
After I relapse, I don’t know what’s real. I don’t know if some emotion has been satisfied to come back later, or where I’m supposed to be. I’m already in a confusing place in my life, and I can’t have this messing with me.
I’ve relapsed five times in the last four days.
How much clean time did your have before that first relapse @JackBlind?
How are you doing today?
I had 15 days as I said earlier.
I’m doing really badly now.
JackBlind I know where you’re comming from. For myself, I struggled with pornography addiction at the age of 14 and throught high school. This addiction isnt easy, but you acknowledging it and its affect on your life is a critical aspect to do.
My adice would be to join our porn/sexual integrity group, and considrring you have a smartphone, try to establish an adult filter to block off any access to porn and the internet and finalize on what you do need on uour device.
Me and an accountability partner use an app called Covenant Eyes, which gives a free 30 day trial and is only $15 a month. It sfeathures allow one to block off websites, but also applications and settings on ones phone. I also use BlockApp and Screen Time to further block any tenptations and force a time use every day on my device, which I find to be the most critical considering that we take our ohones with us everywhere.
Me and including everyone here are here to help.
It takes alot of courage for what you did for being honest and upfront. You can overcome this !
And how you feel after relapsing, thats common amongst everyone here on our group. I for myself when I did last relapse felt utterly destroyed.
I slept in due to staying up til passed 9am and felt like complete crap the next day. Other times when I would go on a 20-30 day streak at times and If I gave in, after a few minutes or an hour, nothing would happen. No arousal, not drop in anxiety, just me feeling completely stupid for what I did.
Depression, realization of low self esteem and a true look at my self became the norm. I felt ashamed of myself, and in brief momment sit still pops up. Yesterday it did when I helped out a group of peers on my job.
These emotions you feel, they’re normal, and they’re there to guide you, not ruin you. How you feel is a call to action, meaning find what you need to do at any cost to eliminate this addiction at its source while getting all the tools, resouces, information and help that you need because from my own side of the garden, I lack self control. Im weak in that area, and recognizing that ment that I needed to set up restrictions on what caused me to fall down that similar rabbit hole you were previously in, because pornography just a sick trap. It’s ment to be addictive and prey on people like us and those that perform in them.
And above all, you are not a looser. You are not a failure. You are someone who struggles with this addiction like me and many other people around this continent. You’re not alone, and you shouldn’t be. The more help you can get, the better you will be at fighting this, because this is your life. It has value, just as you have value youself wheather you see that or not. Never give up. Always learn from your past mistakes snd give such intensd pain to them that you’ll never want to repeat them ever again, and do what necessary to take care of yourself.