Hello, I’m new here. Don’t know how long I’ll stick around.
I’m feeling really angry at myself right now.
I discovered porn when I was about 10 years old. I had the brilliant idea to type in “naked” into the Google Images search bar, and to my surprise, images actually appeared right there in front of me.
I would go back to explore that part of the internet very occasionally, but at 13 I went there more often and at 14 I started getting more disgusted at and scared of myself. I was scared of how many more months I would have to be like this and deal with this shame. Then I started learning about the effects it had on the brain and how malleable my brain was to making strong wiring at my young age, and I was scared of growing up like this. It kept on like this, though, and no sort of strategy or ritual and no amount of prayer would stop it.
I’ve developed this fear of associating important things to me with this discomfort. I did not want to to do anything that mattered to me, think about anything of interest to me, or hang out with anyone I cared about for an entire day or longer after relapsing, for fear of “tainting” that thing or person in my mind.
This led to spending a lot of time in my teenage years just doing nothing and feeling ashamed.
I’m feeling really angry at myself for all of this.
I recently graduated from high school just last year, and I’m really missing it. I’m frustrated and defeated by all the time this wasted—the moments I didn’t enjoy, the friends I didn’t make, and the memories I never made.
Not that it’s devoid of good memories, that I don’t have good friends now, or that I won’t make good memories and meaningful relationships in the future, but people, environments, and my own self are different coming into adulthood, and this time of being young and in school is time I’ll never get to have again.
I’m not so much looking for advice on how to stop as much as I am for dealing with this wasted time and whatnot.
Though rituals I’ve tried and people I’ve talked to are nothing to go by, I’m feeling confident in being able to see this timer tick up. But I’m upset that the timer has to start now and not months or years ago, and I’m angry at myself for all the time that’s been wasted in my childhood.