Hey,
I have been sober for almost five years and have noticed that all my “friends” aren’t my friends anymore because I don’t drink. One friend in particular always sits on his moms porch and chain smokes and does drugs. I have stayed in their life because I don’t have family and they have really helped me out but it’s so hard to be around after i sobered up because the mother enables and pays for all his shit and he’s almost 50. he will throw these temper tantrums and if I try to talk to him about it because it’s scary he goes off on me and calls me a bitch. He said ever since I got sober I’m selfish and only care about myself. I know that’s not true he is just resentful that I decided not to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I sobered up and started working a lot and really hard so I could make my life better and apparently that’s selfish. I keep them in my life out of guilt because they helped me out when I needed it but it is getting really hard to be around them. I don’t know I just need to know that I’m not alone and is this is normal when you get sober? It’s almost as if him and his family only liked me when I was miserable like them. It’s been a couple years or so since we had a blow out regarding this and he still acts the same and the more i think about it it pisses me off because he still treats me like I am being selfish. I keep going back and forth about just not being in their lives anymore but it’s so hard when you don’t have anyone. At one point he was even stealing from me and he doesn’t know that I know. Even now it’s always about him and im always showing interest in his life because im so paranoid that im being selfish now and im starting to realize he never asks me about my day or how I am. It’s almost like he just wants someone to sit there and say oh poor baby and if I don’t then im being a bad person. I guess it just bother me because I remember when he wasn’t like that and we have been friends for almost 20 years.
If anyone treated me like that id just get rid of them but i know this is complicated because you have been friends for 20 years.
Still if i thought i was being treated bad id atleast talk out it.
Growing apart is part of growing up.
I had a friend that was using and i gave him up because he was mean and using me for my place
He ended up o.d.ing and dieing and there is a chance i could have been with him that very dark night. It could have been me. We were best friends for 11years be4 he died. I saw him at his best and at his worse. Unfortunately his worse got him tangled up
Hi, K. Sounds like you recognize you need some space from these “friends” and there is nothing at all wrong with that. Same as you deserve a happy, sober life, you deserve friends that love and support you sober or otherwise. Misery does love company. I’m willing to bet that like the rest of us, you’ve kissed misery goodbye. At least the kind that comes with drugs and drinking.
FIVE YEARS IS AMAZEBALLS!!! 
I stop for a week and I find myself completely alone. Even from family. Maybe it’s time to make new friends and even family.
Sending strength and company your way.
+ 
Thanks! You can do it too!
Thanks so much for the kind words! It helps so much hearing that im not alone
Thanks I really needed to hear that I’m not alone and a lot of others have experienced this in sobriety.
Welcome to the community Kara
A huge congratulations on your sober time!
It is totally normal that we shed our past social circles as we continue our sober journey. I have found that some on my past relationships only thrived on my being drunk and high. Once i became sober, i realized that we had nothing in common. Some people are only happy being in your life if you are as miserable as them.
You are not alone in having outgrown your friends. You deserve to be surrounded by supportive and loving friends. It may be time to move on from these friendships. 
You are not being selfish in this situation.
Welcome to this community.
It’s amazing how long you will stay friends with people because you can’t accept the truth. I think this is the case for me. It’s for the best but even if it’s for the best it still hurts having to let go of people you care about. But if I can get through all the stuff I already have gotten through then this will pass too.
So true…it was not easy walking away from people in my life that I have so many memories with. I had to tell myself that I was not able to help them any longer and they definitely were not helpful in my sober journey. A harsh truth that allowed me to sever the ties.
You may just want to distance yourself at the beginning of you can’t cut ties completely. I found that our relationships ended when I stopped making the effort to call or hang out cause they did not reach out.
Yes i can totally relate
To be hounest when i jumped in the sober train i had nothing in common with my friends
The best i could do was show them im happy sober.
Welcome to the forum! Congrats on your almost five years! I hope you will find this community to be an asset in your continued sobriety!
I have a few thoughts on your situation, but am putting most of them under an expandable tab as a general courtesy because I am long winded.
It is really important that we distinguish between the two types of “selfishness”; that being healthy selfishness and unhealthy selfishness. As a society, we automatically default to the unhealthy meaning when we use the word selfish and a strong moral judgement is placed on that word which has a lot of negative implications.
So, let me assure you, from what I’ve read, you have been selfish–healthily selfish.
It is always “selfish” to an extent, when we engage in behaviors that will improve our lives, but healthy selfishness is not something that will come at the expense of another person in an objectively negative way. The problem tends to arise when the other individual has many personal problems that inform their ways of thinking and acting in the world; which, in turn, will colour the way they perceive the actions of another.
It is not unusual for people to react negatively to another taking steps to better their lives. When we have a relationship with someone (as friends, lovers, family, work, etc.), we have created a set of patterns and behaviors that over time become ingrained in our psyches so that the interactions are quite predictable. It is like driving a car. We pay very close attention to everything in the beginning, but over time it becomes “second nature” and we can do everything so mindlessly that people have reported forgetting how they got somewhere.
Our minds like predictable things because it takes less effort. When one person in a relationship works to change themselves, this breaks this cycle and can be extremely uncomfortable and unsettling to the other person on a psychological level. Also, it is not unusual for people to like that another is a mess in some way because it can bring a sense of belonging (if they too are messed up), or a feeling of superiority, or any other number of emotions. These are often on a very subconscious level. This is why the ‘unchanged’ person in a relationship can react negatively when another makes positive changes.
Let’s take your friend as an example. I’ll preference this by saying that I only know what you’ve written, and so this is sure to be a little flawed. That being said, it seems as though your friend may have quite a few negative feelings toward themselves (whether conscious or unconscious). They may have enjoyed having you be at the same “level” as them because it brings solidarity. When you change for the better, it puts a spotlight on where they are at in their lives, and how far down the hole they are.
Telling another they are being “selfish” by dropping a shared bad habit to improve their life can be a manipulation tactic (again, conscious or unconscious) in order to cause you enough guilt that you will revert back to what they are comfortable with. It is also possible that they do feel like you are being negatively selfish because they are now feeling a lot of negative emotions, and so (in their eyes) you have hurt them by your self-focused actions.
When you give up drugs and alcohol (or any shared addiction), there is something that is lost in many relationships because there is a lot there that is built on those addictions. If two people become friends because they both enjoy playing video games and snacking late into the night, and one person decides to drop gaming, stop eating junk, and get into long distance running, that friendship could suffer because they no longer have this core thing in common. It is the same with drugs and alcohol. The set patterns we have with another are a ‘habit’ we are in, just as much as our addictions can be a ‘habit’.
In life, it is normal for things to begin and end. Sometimes a person is in our lives for a few minutes, or a day, or a year, or ten years, but it is rare to have a relationship with a person your whole life because people do change over time. Our circumstances change. Our views on the world shift with our experiences and learning. What we value in ourselves and in others can also shift with our understanding of life, ourselves, etc.
I always recommend people treat themselves as they would treat a dear and beloved friend that we genuinely want the best for. Would you recommend that dear friend stay in this relationship? How would you feel if you knew they were being treated in the way that you are being treated? Try to take a step back and evaluate this because you are just as important as anyone else. This person may have been there for you in the past, and you have been there for them, but you have grown and now it is important to evaluate your needs and figure out how to get those met.
You are not obligated to remain in someone else’s life. Would walking out of your friend’s life be “selfish”? Well, yes, in a way. Is it selfish for a someone to leave a spouse who is beating them? Yes, in a way. But these are examples of “healthy selfishness”. As you said, he was not this way 20 years ago. He has changed. He is no longer the person you became friends with in many ways. If you met him for the first time now, would you become his friend? If he was this way 20 years ago, would you have become his friend?
On a final note, the greatest thing we learn in recovery, I think, is that we have the ability to create something new for ourselves through giving up our addictions. We can choose to change other things in our lives, like places we go, people we meet, activities we engage in, that can hopefully give us what we need/want in the “better life” we hope to have through our sobriety.
The unknown can be scary, so we may stick with a “known” that we don’t like, because it already is in our lives. I wish you the best in this situation. Sometimes the steps we take in life that are best for us, are not always the easiest.
Again, welcome to the forum!
I’ve had a lot of similar feelings to yourself. I posted previously about my feeling anxious and lonely a lot since I decided not to drink anymore.
I started noticing that a lot of my “friends” were really just people I drank with. I’m on the way to developing a whole new circle of friends now.
I’ve had former friends criticise me for not calling or texting anymore. It’s a 2 way street.
I’d much rather concentrate on my family and getting my mind and body healthier than waste any more time arguing with people.
That being said - a few friends have congratulated me and said that they wished they could do the same. I think some wonder and worry about what they’d do to fill their time if they didn’t drink.
Yes 100%. Same thing here friends that don’t understand it’s a two way street. I have had old drinking buddies be proud and supportive but even then you still stop hanging out with them. But at least those friends decided not to be dicks about it. Lol. If you saw them out in public you can say hey and talk. I wouldn’t trade being sober for anything because we’ll my life is the best it ever has been and that just means it will continue to get better! Thanks for the kind words!!