With everything crashing down on me, I am starting to remember why I have been numbing my pain with weed, alcohol, or both at the same time for so long. The childhood trauma was nothing compared to the day of my first ultrasound when the nurse couldnt find any cardiac activity of my baby on February 23, 2018. It was the first time I tried going clean from weed, alcohol, and cigarettes. I had no idea of the impact it created on my body with the stress from work and discovering from my test results that I had to get treated for chlamydia because of my cheating ex-boyfriend who was also the father of my child. After, I was given a choice to have a D&C, or wait for a miscarriage. I couldn’t wait for failure or disappointment, so of course I got the D&C and instantly had a nexplanon birthcontrol implant. Making the decision seemed easy at the time, but living through it… is still the worst. I was 25 and it may have been an unplanned pregnancy, but for just a moment I had hope to become a good mother, even I needed. I continue to wonder if it could’ve been a boy or a girl… so many questions. Ive had so many relapses that I stopped weed at a point of time without knowing I became a workaholic and alcoholic that I was rushed to the hospital for a perforated ulcer in December of 2020. I am 29 today still with no children and going back to college. I am proud to be sober from alcohol for 1 year and 6 months, and clean for almost 20 days from weed. Now I know that staying clean will give me an understanding of my body and what I need to do, because I want to plan a pregnancy with the future love of my life without going through a loss of a child ever again.
Sorry to read about that Ellie.
You are going forward in your life and that is so important after the sad and traumatizing loss of your first child. You are sober and are going to work towards making some of your dreams come true. This all sounds good.
I too have lost a child which lead to me using meth for the first time the day he passed 7 years ago and until last August I was an extremely heavy I’ve user. Im still working on it I can get a few weeks in sober and it’s right back to it. I know im a strong ass person and don’t have the slightest addictive personality ever but this shit is evil I can’t put it down and im happier and at more peace in my life than I’ve been since the day he passed I just don’t get it and its so damn frustrating
I am very sorry for the loss of your child. In my experience, our bodies hold trauma unless we allow it to move thru us and experience it. 
Wishing you a calm, happy and peaceful 29th birthday. And big congratulations on your year and a half sober. 
It sounds like you are moving into a very healing part of your journey.
I am very sorry for your loss. Praying for your healing and your journey to continue to be sober. I grew up and have seen family and their friends so bad off of meth and crack that I couldn’t even go near it. But i was no better myself becoming and alcoholic that nearly killed me. I had to cut off my own mother when i needed her the most because it got so bad she and her boyfriend tried to fight me for my own car keys. She was unrecognizable, and yes it is the devil.
Thanks everyone it has been rough journey, even when I clearly denied it. This journey of healing has lead me to understand too why I didnt want to take my nexplanon out and have the child of a good friend and exboyfriend of mind who passed away in the beginning of this year. Him picturing us having children scared me, other than the problems we already had… what if I lose a child again and have to relive the pain all over again… it was risk I was not willing to take then… sigh one step at a time though.