Lost, confused, and alone

Formally known as multiple personality disorder, dissociative identity disorder is ruining my sobriety. I have an alter (which i havent named yet) who is a drug addict whos addicted to methamphetamine and smokes molly. Than i have an alter who is in full sobriety that wants nothing to do with drugs. Drugs turn her off.we will call her chasity. Between alters i get realy confused about what i should do and i get angry. One second im clean and happy and the next im triggered and using again. Feeling bad after i used. Ready to turn the party out and be clean again. My boyfreind isnt helping me, hes not supporting me. Our friends who smoke molly, are not listening to me when i tell them not to bring it here. At first im firm and direct. Out of sight out of mind. Its the best i can do to not use. Am i being manipulated? Triggered again, full relapse. Its a never ending cycle of back and forth. And they cant be true friends becouse they know how much i want sobriety but they bring it around any way. Lost, confused, and alone. What should i do. Please help.

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It’s hard in early days. It gets more familiar with time but in early days when you’re changing habits, it feels unfamiliar and often uncomfortable, like working in a new shoe: it’s stiff and takes time and practice.

This is about you, not other people. Your boyfriend is not responsible for your sobriety (or your relapses), and neither are your other friends. They have their own responsibilities, and you have yours: it’s not fair or helpful to say “the world isn’t changing for me so it’s not my fault”. I know it feels like it would be helpful for them to do or not do some things, but deep down, you know it’s really about your choices. No one is forcing you to do what you do.

You mention multiple personalities. This is a lifelong condition and needs lifelong professional attention. (I live with diabetes and depression, both of which are lifelong, and I have specialist doctors I see regularly.) One of your first steps is going to be visiting your doctor to get a referral for your mental health.

It also sounds like rehab might help. Have you tried looking at www.FindTreatment.gov? (that site also has resources for mental health) Are you in the US? There are similar services in other countries too.

You are in charge of yourself and you are responsible for what you do and for what you do not do. No one else is responsible for your sobriety. You need to make choices about what you are going to do to find freedom. Don’t give up!


I am under the care of docters

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Good. Still there must be something missing if you are using: you haven’t found your recovery yet.

Have you shared with your doctors about your relapses?

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Obviously, can’t tell you what to do or suggest what to do but I can tell you what worked for me. I became the person that I wanted to be if I knew I couldn’t fail. I focused on that person. And the rest of them faded away