I am 59 and my wife is 58. We have been married for 20 years and have an 18 year old son.
I have struggled all of my life with MDD, and have been medicated for the last 38 years. I have also been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety stemming from childhood trauma. I have known my wife since we were kids so this is not a mystery to her.
I started drinking lightly after work and more on weekends about 2 years ago. I was isolating and self medicating. At the suggestion of my wife, I eventually went to a 30 day treatment facility. I remained sober for 4 months and then fell off the wagon. I have relapsed several times since, but kept trying, going to AA, therapy and counseling. I recently was put on Naltrexone and it has changed my life. I no longer have the cravings and it has been easy to stay sober.
But my alcohol abuse has cost me everything. I lost my job, career of 30 years, and now possibly my marriage. As a typical man, my self worth and esteem were tied up in my career and role of husband/father. I have also become effectively impotent due to the large amount of medication I take. So I’m not able to take care of my wife in that way anymore.
I had noticed over the last year that our friends and my wife’s coworkers were treating me differently in social situations. Avoiding me. No eye contact, etc. I asked my wife about it but she blew it off as me being paranoid. She told me the truth (finally) last week. She had shared my struggles with alcohol, and mental illness with friends and coworkers. Now everyone at her job knows, as well as all of her friends.
We recently talked with my therapist, as well as hers about this. Both of them are women, and feedback from them is it’s not a big deal, I did it to myself, and she was justified in reaching out to other people for support. I also got feedback from my female cousin and my closest female friend and they felt the same way. That made it very clear to me the differences between men and women. I would never in a million years do that to her.
I have asked her in the past to please not share personal stuff about me with people. If I want them to know I will tell them. She also told me last week that she has lost respect for me, and doesn’t trust me anymore.
I am in a better place now than I have been in years. I’m maintaining my sobriety, working on rebuilding trust with her, but I don’t know if I can get over the lost respect conversation. We talked last week about it and both agreed to go to marriage counseling, but if it didn’t help we would divorce.
I know I messed up and this is all on me. I’m not blaming her. I just don’t understand how I could be an awesome husband/father/ provider ( her words) for 18 years and she has lost respect for me in the last two. And she seemed happier when I was an active alcoholic, than she is now, when I’m better and getting better every day. Can someone please help me make sense of all of this? Thanks.