Love or pity?

Advice & Questions
1

Hi folks,

I’m ACoA man, above 30yo, probably have also some nice guy traits.

I’ve heard ACoA sometimes confuse love with pity.
It’s crazy, but I lost my head for female penpal - a person I’ve never met. I don’t hope for “happily ever after”. I’m looking for answer why it hits so strongly? I’ve never “fell in love” with a person from Internet.

She mentioned she might be ACoA too, she has moments of doubt, so I’m worry if I like her and I’m really attracted to her, because she is pretty and has interesting personality or because I have unconscious program “I will fix the problem”.

I don’t know home situation of all crushes, but in the past I was already in relationships with some girls from alcoholic home.

So, how to distinguish love from pity/fixing? In certain way it’s normal we want to take care about people we like/love.

5 Likes
2

Hey.

I don’t think it’s pity, it’s still caring and empathy and feelings on the loving end of the scale. It’s just whether your attachment style is healthy or not for both of you to flourish and thrive. It can often be emotions we crave that we pursue.

Look into disordered or anxious attachment styles as they can show up often in ACOA DF children/adult children.

Remember that it’s important to have safe boundaries for you and also for your love interest.

Be curious and honest with yourself. Good luck.

4 Likes
3

Thank you for answer.

I’ve heard about attachment styles, but they say it’s not enough to take a quick quiz and know exactly your style. I also read about MBTI types and nice guy syndrome, but for now I’m totally confused.