I did it! But why do I feel so bad today? Last night was the first Halloween I spent alcohol free in 13 years. We go all out for Halloween and host food and activities at our house for the neighborhood. The past couple of years I had spent basically a workaholic about the decorations and food and costumes and continuously filling up my Halloween mug with wine throughout the night. The end of the night would be drunken talk on the porch with the neighbors while the kids trade candy inside.
I did just as much as I would normally do for Halloween except not a drop of alcohol. Every one had a great time. But for some reason it feels like I did something wrong. Like I was not hospitable enough or something. I am almost a year sober so I am used to not drinking now. Maybe it is because I used to start the night tipsy? I feel as though I was detached from my friends/ distracted and a bit unhappy. I busied myself and was actually relieved when the night was over. I donāt know what I could have done differently other than to have just not been there. I feel like I need to apologize for something and like I was rude. I donāt know how to handle this. I guess just drop it and focus on making peace for myself. I hope everyone had a good sober Halloween.
I think your feelings are pretty normal for someone sober for a year or so. I know I felt similar, kind of disconnected, trying to figure out how to ābeā within old traditions / parties / celebrations / etc. All I ever knew was how to socialize while drinking, so it took me a long time to feel comfortable in my actual skin and brain. Sometimes still I feel awkward. I am still years later healing and finding my self and footing. It is a whole new life, so it makes sense it takes time to be comfy with our new self.
And I am sure you know, you donāt have to do things just because you used to. Some things are okay to let go or new traditions started.
You definitely donāt need to apologize for being your self and feeling your feelings. It is different sober and it can get more comfy and manageable with more sober time. I know for myself I had to really learn I am not responsible for anyoneās good time, except my own. I donāt need to be on all the time. I am not the court jester. Idk if any of that helps, I just want you to know your feelings are valid and you arenāt alone.
Thank you so much. I really needed to read that last paragraph especially. I think that is exactly it. Feeling responsible for some elseās good time. I even felt bad that we were not providing alcohol. I think my next year of sobriety might be focused on letting go of beating myself up over every little thing.
Thatās some gold there!! 
Learning to love our selves is a process for sure and for me it continues to be the healing key. I donāt need to be perfect to be worthy of love. None of us do. 
You donāt feel the same as prior years because you are the one leopard who managed to change the color of itās spots, but no one else around you did. You are now seeing the emptiness of alcohol and a lifestyle that revolves around it. Now you can find out who you really areā¦
Thank you for your reply. Feeling feelings is still new, I guess. I used to shove down all feelings with alcohol. Then too hung over to process anything. Then shove down feelings again. Maybe feeling regular feelings is awkward still and for some reason feels bad. I bet it will pass in time. I am so thankful for this community.
Thank you Lorelei. It was a success because there were a lot of people that had a great time 
. Not sure why, but For some reason my brain is fixated on the interactions I had with people that were not perfect, where I might have been perceived as rude or not engaged enough.
Maybe those are just people that I donāt naturally āclickā with. I guess itās impossible to hit it off with every one in every moment. Itās time to show the grace to myself that I show others.
True, true! One day at a time!