A panda walks into a bar, eats, shoots, and leaves.
Why should you always knock on the fridge door before opening it?
Incase there’s a salad dressing.
My girlfriend wanted a Fairytale Romance Happy to oblige i gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the woods
Once out of desperation I had to use a Brian Adams CD to slice a frozen pizza.
It “Cut(s) Like a Knife”.
Warning this joke is rude ………An Englishman a Italian and and a Scotsman are discussing their sex lives in a bar the Englishman say’s when I’ve finished making love to my wife she lifts five foot above the bed in ecstasy the Italian man says that’s nothing when I’m finished making a love to my wife she lifts ten foot above the bed in ecstasy, the Scotsman says well when I’m done banging my lass I wipe my knob on the curtains an she hits the fucking roof 
What colour is a burp?
BURPLE!!!
(insert face palm here)
Happy to oblige. 
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic Athiest?
He refused to believe in Dog.
How did Jeffery Dahmer’s Mom punish him when he was bad?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
What kind of hors d’ouvres did Jeffrey Dahmer serve his guests at parties?
Finger sandwhiches.
The Dalai Lama went to the dentist to have a tooth filled. The dentist offered him Novacaine, but refused it.
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
This weekend I got a chair massage…
My recliner is feeling a lot less tense now.