ive been struggling with this question for many years by myself!
i think its time to get some feedback!
so I’m now after 5 years very firmly an X drug addict!
I’m trying to work my way back into “polite society” and meet new people and make new friends!
but, you know, I’m an ex-drug addict and it carries a certain sigma.
so the question is,
do I tell people upfront and or really early on about my past and have people walk away (which saves me from being hurt later on but means continuing isolation)
or
do I keep quiet and relieve the isolation but risk them finding out later on and walking away, usually after a big fallout over not telling them and get hurt emotionally, which in the past had led to short relapses?
I’m sure I won’t be the only one that’s had to struggle with this dilemma.
so what does everyone think?
or
do I acknowledge that I can’t control people or the world around me, and that I can’t see or anticipate every possible event (or even most of them; all I can see is a few possibilities out of infinite actual possibilities)?
The apple seed has only one choice: grow. It cannot control the weather, the worms, the birds, the soil, the heat, the cold, the infinity of possibilities - it can only (and should only) pay attention to the one thing it can control: choosing to try. Choosing to grow. So it puts out a small tendril, a baby branch, a gentle leaf, and that is enough. What happens next, will happen next; there’s no way to predict it.
thats a good point but to extend your analogy.
I’m tired of putting out that tendril only to have it cut of time and time and time again!
which is why I now tell people up front, yeah its lonely but its a lot less painful!
That’s a good point but to extend your analogy
You saying “it’s lonely but it’s a lot less painful” is you putting a wall up around yourself as a defence mechanism. Something in your past has created a habit in you of actively pushing people away before you develop an emotional connection. You have a fear of vulnerability.
You’re on a sobriety site with people who accept you completely and appreciate you, no matter your past or your present. I guarantee you, everyone here on Talking Sober who is working their recovery accepts you as you are, and does not hold that against you. It’s the same in other groups, like SMART Recovery, AA, NA, etc. Everyone there who is working their recovery, accepts you as you are. (In my case, my closest friends right now are people I met in my home group.)
You can and do have friends. The question is when you will open your eyes to see it. The ball is in your court and you have the power. Take your time; there’s no pressure.
I’ve decided for myself not to think in ‘what ifs’ anymore, bc ‘what if’ everything I’m worried will happen doesn’t? I would feel relieved that it didn’t end up in the far left field I imagined in my mind. I don’t see a point for me to believe I know what the future will bring so I just stay in the present as much as possible. And honestly, it’s really the only place I can be.
You’re 5 years sober, just be yourself. If someone actually walks away once finding out you were an addict that long ago…fuck em! Their loss.
We all, addicts and non-addicts alike, have a past, and whether we let our past define us, is up to us. I let my past shape and guide me, but not define me.
When I meet new people, I don’t tell them about my past struggles with alcohol unless I determine if my past holds anything of value to them. If I meet someone and they mention that they feel they drink too much, I’ll open up and share my own experiences. Conversely, if conversations never go in that direction, I’ll not bring it up.