Hi,
I’ve been here almost 2 years and have never really opened up or shared anything about me and my struggles. The what, where and why did it go wrong, the loss of my gift of sobriety and perhaps even some of the triggers in my life that set me on this path and made me what I am, Unique! After all it is what we all are, our journeys and triggers have made us all unique in our own ways, so here is me, bare bones and all! There may be triggers in here so please stop reading now if you don’t find yourself in a position where you will be ok.
I’m Richard, father of an angel baby as well as 4 amazing children and husband to superwoman.
I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, I didn’t drink every day, nor did I ever feel I needed to drink but I used alcohol as a means to numb things in my life and use it for the wrong reasons and that nearly cost me everything. I used it at inappropriate times and consumed so much sometimes I literally couldn’t recall anything that I’d done even on days when I was taking and collecting my children from school. I suffer with poor mental health, depression, bi-polar and I have regular and deep suicidal thoughts. I also have ADHD and Asperger syndrome too so I struggle to socialise, maintain friendships or even have normal interactions. Outside of my wife and children I have 1 friend, literally just 1.
Through my unhealthy relationship with alcohol I always felt the alcohol was helping, unsurprisingly as you will all know too well, the alcohol didn’t help me with anything, yet at the time I was certain it was, that’s the danger and the devil behind the kind mask of alcohol and other DOC’s. They make you feel you need them to make you “normal” or “happy” yet behind their beautiful facade is the evil of what it does to you physically, mentally and financially. The fact you think a drug is making you happy and normal is unhealthy, the drug is killing you with it’s kindness, a kindness that will ultimately cost you your life, after you’ve lost everything else on the journey.
So where did my bad experience with alcohol start, I fell in love with Julie when we were both 15, we were together 18 months and sadly on New years eve when we were 17 she had an epileptic seizure whilst in the bath and drown. Her parents and I were downstairs drinking and having a laugh etc at the time and just thought she was taking a long time to get ready, the trauma of finding her never really hit home but I don’t think her parents or I have ever forgiven ourselves for not checking on her sooner. This is something that still hits me hard to this day, what if I hadn’t been drinking and had heard something, what if my senses were more alert, WHAT IF? The worlds only unanswerable question becomes a daily thought. The alcohol numbed the initial pain and upset, then it masked a lot of the aftermath when I wasn’t working or doing something.
I focussed on other things and I met Michelle, my superwoman, my soulmate, my best friend, we fell in love, 4 months together were the happiest I had felt in a long time, then I got posted to Iraq and the Afghanistan, I watched numerous brothers in arms lay down their lives for a fight that I don’t think anyone truly believed was making a difference, but we were not paid to wonder why, we were paid to do or die. I lost more than colleagues, friends and brothers, I lost myself, I nearly lost my life, I know Julie saved me one day, she saved me so I could be with Michelle, we came under fire and ran for hard cover, as we did a picture of Michelle I always carried with me fell from my pocket and as I stopped to pick it up a barrage of bullets hit the wall right where I would have been. I swear to this day my pocket was fastened when I went to put the picture back in.
I managed to come home safe and uninjured, physically anyway. I didn’t accept a lot of what I saw, I still honestly don’t think I have accepted and processed it all but I know I’m strong now where I was weak before.
A freak accident saw me medically discharged at 19. Normal day to day life was a drag so when Michelle was at work and I wasn’t I would drink to pass time and forget some things.
I found purpose again with my job, Michelle and I moved in together married and we started a family, our twins came along and for a long time I didn’t touch alcohol, other than at parties etc, but when I think back there were occasions when I was low that I did binge on booze, or times where I would go for a night out and go over the top with booze.
Our third child came along and due to complications in his birth Michelle nearly died, she had to be resuscitated twice and was in intensive care for a long time, I didn’t cope well, when the kids were asleep I would drink and drink. When she returned home I would secretly drink when nobody was around or on days where she was back at work. Another pregnancy and another traumatic experience followed, this time it was our baby girl Kaitlyn who was born sleeping, our baby angel, too pure for this world and left before the evil in this world could corrupt her. Michelle was devastated and so was I, I drank to numb things but never told Michelle, I had to be strong for her so wouldn’t drink a lot until I knew she was asleep, then I’d drink and cry until I was ready to go to bed myself. No parent should have to bury their child. Unfortunately a little time later my mum would have the same experience.
Michelle fell pregnant again and shortly before our baby was due my brother committed suicide. For once I didn’t turn to alcohol to numb things, I had to be there for my new baby who was born on my brothers funeral day. Life moved on, I focussed on work, still drinking on days off but not daily, however drinking to unhealthy levels when I did.
A decline in my mental health, stresses and no recognition of my Asperger’s and ADHD issues caused me to struggle at work and caused my life to spiral, ultimately it nearly cost me my life. What it did do though is the one thing I am most appalled at myself with, I strayed from home, Michelle and I were in a bad place and instead of fighting for my marriage and children I just gave up, I looked for greener grass, because well the saying goes that the grass is greener on the other side, right?? Wrong!
I thought I found the greener grass and although Michelle and I were discussing me leaving and separating we were still together when I slept with another woman. I thought it was what I needed, the intense lustful feeling of a new relationship, a drug in itself. What I came to realise was your mind and body are your own gardens, what you have to remember is the grass is greenest where you water it and where you care for it. Other peoples grass may look greener, but that’s because you may not have done what is necessary to grow your own, it takes discipline to grow, it takes strength to grow, it takes sacrifices to grow and most importantly it take patience to grow. You can try rush that process by jumping on someone else’s greener grass but you’ll find that ultimately you will never be as grateful as what you will be by doing what is necessary to grow your own green grass.
So like I said at the beginning I’m married to superwoman, well it’s true, she stuck by my indiscretions, despite the best efforts of the other woman trying to discourage her so she could be with me herself. Michelle supported me when nobody else did and despite all I had done to her she was still my rock! She still saw me for who I am, she recognised I was broken before even I did, she encouraged me to seek support for my mental health, she empowered me to take control of my spiralling life, to fight back for what I wanted and to be the person I was and who I always wanted to be. She encouraged me to accept my Aspergic traits and ADHD, to formally seek diagnosis and to let the world know, because it’s ok to be different, like I said, we are all unique. She helped me accept I had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and found this community for me to allow me to have my issues and discuss them. Essentially she has made me the best version of me possible despite everything i put her through. I’m not proud of what I did but it is part of who I am.
So sobriety’s journey started, I got back at the gym, lost weight and started to feel good about myself again, without drink. I found the joys of doing things I had stopped doing because of alcohol and my mental struggles, I have actually started to enjoy the small wins in life and started looking at the possibilities of success rather than the possibilities of failure. I got back to martial arts and competing again, I’m back, second in the European championships in my first international competition back for over 20 years and now I’m looking to conquer the world.
So why am I here, well my battle continues, every minute, every hour, every day. The small decisions like not going to the corner shop on the school run etc are all battles.
Sadly, I’m still human, I know my sobriety is not infallible, nothing in life is. I don’t measure my sobriety in hours or days, I measure it in decisions and actions, the small decisions and actions taken to remain sober, I’m here reinforcing my commitment to myself and to my family that alcohol will no longer rule my life or have a part to play in it any longer. I also want to help and support anyone else fighting these battles. On our own we may be weak, together we can beat anything!
Today, I am able to look back on my life with clarity of mind and the power of sobriety. Sobriety is a gift given to us all, but one we are not all able to maintain. It is a gift that I will fight to keep. It is a gift that I will fight to pass on to my children. My path to sobriety is now my story that I will tell to those that ask in hopes that they will take what they will, leave what they won’t, and in some way guide them towards sobriety for themselves. Sobriety is measured in actions taken daily and not days without using.
I remember the ease of childhood play and the joy of anticipation one day brought to the next. Waking up early to watch cartoons, to have my favourite cereal, to see my friends, to explore my neighbourhood, my town, my city and spend time with family. When did this become not enough? When did I become lost, mistreated, or victimised by life, love, another or myself to look for comfort in addiction? These things happen every day. Where did I stop and my addiction start? Addiction is powerful and has brought me to my knees many times. It disguised itself in many ways throughout my life.
If I look hard enough I can see it and feel it at the most intense parts of my life – either waiting or responsible – cunning enough to convince me that the problem is now somehow the cure. What was responsible for my pain is now my saviour. Our addiction waits like no other enemy and it takes many forms. Idle time, good days and bad, celebration and sadness, joy and depression, kind and unkind acts, often brought to us by friends and not enemies, always revealing itself as the ultimate show of force.
One of the things that I know to be true is that sobriety is a gift to be fought for and this place is not my punishment. Every time I drank didn’t end in darkness but every one of my darkest moments was due to drinking. Our strength comes from knowing our enemy and knowing where our relationship with addiction takes us, where it left us, and where we allowed it to go. That place is not a constant reminder of failure to be doubted or its intensity lessened with time, but an absolute truth of a failed relationship with addiction. Regret is a prison we build ourselves and love and forgiveness is the key. The key to our happiness is to love ourselves as we love our family, our friends, our children or as a parent should love a child. I will continue to work on me, the one thing that I have the power to change.
My tools are the power of positive thinking, stopping the negative self-talk, treating myself the way I treat others, owning my past and loving my future. As we rebuild our life piece by piece we forget that time and pressure didn’t create us overnight but over years. We first strive to acknowledge our problems, seek understanding of self, and overcome our addiction through lifelong learning and application. Be real with yourself for what you know to be true is what got you here. So don’t hold onto a mistake just because you took a long time making it.
To those fighting the battle today know that you are not alone, we are never alone. What one day brought you pain can now give you meaning. Trust in the power of urgency to save your life, to get you sober. Ask for help when you need it and give help when asked, for when you save another you save yourself. I will stand by you like you stand by me. I’ve got your back like you’ve got mine. We will have each other’s backs from here on.
Yesterday is simply the ingredients: today is who we are, and tomorrow is whatever we want it to be. The power of yesterday will fade if we let it, regardless if we choose to learn from it or not. If we hold onto the good memories, forgive ourselves and others for the bad and never forget that we are forged by fire, are stronger together and are a band of brothers in recovery. I will not run and I will not hide for what I couldn’t do myself I now do with a band of brothers from this day forward. For those still fighting, don’t give up, you are worth it, you are loved and you are worth fighting for, just because others do not see your value does not mean you are worthless, you are priceless, life is priceless, choose how much value to put into your life and don’t let others devalue it.
For those we lost you did not die in vain but now help guide the way. To those I have wronged I apologise, I am sorry. To those who have wronged me I forgive you!
I’m sorry about the losses you’ve experienced!! Sending hugs your direction. Also your wife sounds incredible, glad you 2 worked through things and you still have Superwoman by your side!!! Stay strong and keep fucking going! 
I see the bones of a wonderful book here. Hope you keep writing!
