Making sacrifices in recovery and in life

Life in Recovery
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As many of you know I’m currently on felony probation and this month is the 18 month mark of my three years which means I am eligible for early termination. My Next appointment is on the 22nd and hopefully I can get some more information and at that point my lawyer will get involved and I will find out if I have to even go to court or if they’re just going to let me off. For Some reason I was just thinking it was going to be a quick process but I don’t think it’s going to happen quick. I might have to be on this for another couple months while the court stuff works out and I have to fill paperwork out and they all have to talk amongst them selves about what I’ve done and verify stuff I’ve completed Like my drug classes, restitution, court cost, Probation cost, and I’m even getting charged to be drug tested Which I think is pretty funny.

I’m going to have to make a sacrifice as far as where I live. When I first got out of jail I moved into this sober living house and I was there for about six months or maybe 7 And then I was eligible to move over to the transition apartments across the street which is a one bedroom apartment. The rule is you’re only allowed to stay in that apartment for one year and I understand because that way it gives other people a chance to learn how to live on their own but yet still be connected to the sober living. It’s been almost 13 months and management came to me and asked what my plan was and how long this Probation stuff is going to go on or when will I be going to court and I told them I don’t know right now.

Even though I don’t necessarily want to do this I know the right thing to do is to let the next person move into this apartment that is next on the list at the main house and I’m probably going to move back to the main house until I finish Probation. That means I have a curfew again and that means I have to share a room with two or three other people but this is the sacrifice I have to make right now because it’s the best solution I think right now. But maybe somebody else has a better idea?

The reason I don’t want to get an apartment right now is that honestly I want to finish Probation before I commit to any lease And I’m also thinking about the possibility of staying with my parents which I would definitely have to be done Probation. The next issue is that I would get a temporary room somewhere but my current probation officer is assigned to a certain radius and it’s only a couple miles. My current probation officer I have been with for most of my Probation term she is the second one I’ve had because sometimes they change. I don’t want to get a temporary room somewhere while I finish Probation because then I’ll have a different Officer that doesn’t even know me and I’ll have to start over as far as proving what kind of person I am. I think it’s a bad idea to change Officer’s when I’m about to be applying for early termination. I like my current Officer because she is stern but yet she respects me and knows that she doesn’t have to worry about me.

Also because of my criminal history and my credit it’s going to be pretty hard to get pretty much any kind of apartment right now so like I said the plan was to Finish Probation at this apartment across from the sober living but it looks like I’m going to have to temporarily move into the main house that way somebody else can have this apartment that rightfully deserves it.

I know this sounds crazy but I almost don’t even care because I still have so much to be grateful for and this is just a temporary problem. I’m not saying that I’m not going to miss this apartment that I have made home but I guess it’s not the end of the world and I knew this day was going to come. I guess I thought i had more time here..I’m still grateful because So many times in my life I didn’t even have shelter and I remember sleeping on freezing concrete or mosquitoes tearing me apart while I slept in a tent and starving. It’s not 100% that they’re going to let me move back into the main house but I think because of my history with coming here and they understand my situation I think it might be allowed and also there’s the fact that pretty much there’s always a bed available because it’s a revolving door. If anybody at that house has a problem with me moving back in the main house then honestly that’s their problem because anybody that is a decent person would understand my situation.. At least I hope..

There’s also the fact that since this is a one bedroom apartment when I got here I had absolutely nothing to my name over the course of the last year I have bought a lot of apartment type things and kitchen appliances, furniture, music equipment so I’m probably going to have to get a storage unit to put this stuff in for now and just bring my clothes and a few small things over to the main house.

I’m going to talk with the main manager tomorrow and hopefully we can confirm that if I don’t get off probation at the end of this month or it seems like it’s going to be another couple months then are they going to let me move back into the main house. I Guess I have to Also realize there’s a possibility that maybe they’re going to say no. Then I would just have to deal with having a new officer or somehow finding a temporary room that does not require a lease.

I guess the whole point is that I have options and I don’t have to do anything drastic or desperate. I’m living a different life where I can think about my options, talk to my net work and reach out on here about solutions or if I’m making the right decision.

What do you guys think should I just move back into the main house till I finish Probation?

I feel like that’s my best option. I feel like that’s the best option for my recovery and also for my routine right now. To be honest even if I got off probation at the end of this month I still probably wouldn’t be rushing out of here. This is life and death for me. I’m not messing around these days and my life is important. My well-being, mental health and physical health are important to me.

It’s just sometimes I have to make some sacrifices!

Ps: I bought this magnet like a little bit after I got out of jail as a reminder or to look forward to October 2025 because I knew that was when I could apply for early termination and there was some really tough times or I would be stressed and I would look at this magnet. I can’t believe it’s here. Even if for some reason I don’t get off it’s not the end of the world and I will keep pushing forward!!

:smiling_face_with_sunglasses::sun::sun_with_face:

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It’s a lot, and you seem to be handling it very well. In my opinion, the first step is talk to the folks at the main house and see if it is possible to move back in there for the time needed (which is unknown, as is often the case with the DOC). See what they say, then decide from there. You have a lot of options, some you like more than others, but it is nice to have options. Keep moving forward doing what you need to. I am glad you have so much support and options. :glowing_star:

And love your magnet!

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You have clearly thought through your options and their strengths and weaknesses. Sassy is right; you need to know what the managers of the main house will allow before you can make any decisions. That said, your willingness to move back to the main house to give someone else a chance speaks volumes about your character.

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ask your prob officer and do what she tells you to do.

whoever is in charge, ask them, then follow directions. that’s the next right thing

edited to add:

the next wrong thing is to try to decide for yourself… trust me on this

btw the way man you’re doing great. just try to remember who’s in control :innocent: aaaand who got you this far your Higher Power isn’t going to let you down

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@TS66 @JVKE @SassyRocks

Thank you guys. I’m just going to try to stay in today because my probation officer can’t even have a conversation about early termination till I’m at 18 months officially which is the end of this month but I’m pretty sure we’re going to have a conversation on the 22nd and she said a couple months ago that I might have to go to court and I might not but it just depends and there’s a lot of things up in the air right now. I know one thing when I was in court excepting his plea deal I originally had 18 months of probation but the judge said three years and I think it’s because he didn’t think I was going to actually complete this stuff so that if I messed up I would get three years in prison but I proved him and everybody else wrong! The Correction officers, the inmates , even some family and friends .. everybody said I was crazy for taking this deal!! They said it was a trap and that I was going to go to prison. Everybody said I was going to violate!!! But that’s not what’s happening! I’m not checking that box off ..I’ve gone through enough bullshit!!

I talked to the sober house again and they’re going to let me stay at my apartment till the end of November and hopefully that buys me enough time to go to court and I’ll go from there. They said the last resort would be moving back to the main house. Pretty much everybody in my network is saying that it’s a smart move to go to my parents house after Probation and just stay put till I’m done.

I know that my probation officer is on board with early termination because she has talked about it a couple times briefly but we just can’t have a full conversation right now. I also told her that Probation is not even interfering and I’m going to stay sober no matter what but she says it is interfering because it’s affecting where you’re living and you want to stay with your parents possibly So I think it’s a good thing that she said that. I’ve done everything they said and more and I have a decent Lawyer and in a couple weeks I am officially at my halfway mark.

This has been the most stressful experience of my life but at the same time it has made me stronger

I’m not going to lie I’m exhausted and tired with this whole situation but I did this to myself and I chose to commit the crimes.

I’m just going to continue to stay sober so that I don’t have to go through this again or go to prison which would be obviously worse..

Part of me is trying to take my will back and there’s a lot of things that are out of my control right now and I just have to stay today And let the universe make some decisions for me

Thank you guys for your feedback and support

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Staying in the now always helps me. I think you have a good plan. :+1:

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Honestly I’ve been a little stressed lately and I think it’s because there’s a lot of things out of my control right now and I just want this to be over because it’s almost felt like a living nightmare but at the same time I have adapted and done what I had to do. But I’m finding gratitude in the fact that 18 months ago when I got out of jail I was terrified and honestly I didn’t think I could do this and I was thinking how am I supposed to complete 37 classes, find a job with Felonies, Pay off $6000 in restitution , maintain full time employment the whole time and on top of that not leave the county and not miss a single appointment. It’s funny because staying sober was the easiest part but yet the most important because without sobriety none of that other stuff gets done. And I also end up back in medical detox and homeless if I use or drink. The first couple weeks I was stressing but then I just started taking one thing at a time and here we are 18 months later and I’m eligible for early termination this month. No matter what’s going on at least I know that I made it to this point and really this is just the beginning of my life.

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are you at all concerned about when you get off probation and there’s no one holding you accountable? I was in the same position and it was kind of scary then. I wasn’t sure if I could trust myself. I decided to have the mentality that I was still on probation for awhile so I felt like I had to be accountable. I continued going to meetings even though I didn’t have to, and continued doing the same stuff as I did on probation. Make you don’t lose momentum my friend, and don’t be in a big hurry either. Probation is helping you stay clean, because there are consequences if you relapse. Those consequences (though there will be some, eventually) won’t exist anymore once you terminate. Your safety net is gone. So don’t slack off - you are doing so well. You can do this man. And be prepared for difficult times ahead - right now you have 18 months and it sounds easy. But life happens. Take care of your recovery though first, and you’ll make it through anything and everything that comes your way. This is an exciting time for you, good work. I hope you can help someone else along the road and be an example of the system not failing, for once.

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I’m not concerned about when I get off probation. There’s consequences if I’m On Probation or I’m not on probation. And that’s exactly why I’m staying sober is Consequences. I don’t feel like dealing with the consequences. I’m tired of ending up in Medical detox and tired of being homeless and being a loser. If anything I’m going to work harder when I get off probation and I have these criminal charges hanging over me for the rest of my life and I also have a bunch of priors so I know that now if I get arrested I’m getting the maximum time on any charge and most likely I’m going to prison for anything else that goes down in my life. Honestly being scared of going to jail or prison is pretty much enough to not drink or do drugs ever again but I’m working a program so I’m not miserable.

I know things are different this time because I actually care about the consequences and I’m terrified of drinking and drugs. I’m terrified of what I used to Be.. I remember I was on misdemeanor probation a long time ago and I know that’s not as severe as felony probation but I was doing drugs and drinking the whole entire time and every time it was like Russian roulette with the drug test and I was facing some serious jail time and I didn’t give a shit. This is the first time that I’ve never had reservations and never had a plan in the back of my head to go back out. I accept that I can’t drink and do drugs and I’m going to try my best to help anyone that needs help or wants to hear how I’ve done it.. Because there is a lot of people that have been there and helped me.

The only way is forward!

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Have you maybe thought about being a drug/alcohol counselor. I really do think you could make a huge difference. Just talking to you here and there has helped me immensely. Like yesterday when I was stupid stressed I had a legit thought of “I don’t wanna f**k up and then how will I possibly justify it to koolaid who has had such a similar time and is making it happen”. Just some food for future thought :star: :black_heart:

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It’s a possibility down the line like I’m definitely not saying never but currently I don’t want to mix my job with Recovery. Honestly I’ve seen a lot of people go down that road and get burnt out pretty quickly when they’re working at a medical detox or a counselor somewhere. You have to remember I’ve been in and out of medical detox for like 10 years in Jacksonville And I’ve literally been to every facility and detox. so I have a lot of peers that actually did the right thing staying sober early on and ended up working in those environments and a lot of them got burnt out real quick. I’m just cautious about doing that as a job. I guess I mean just helping people that I see are struggling because I know the signs.. These days I’m not afraid to call somebody out if I know what’s going on and I tell them they have options or I talk to them. It doesn’t take long for them to open up once they realize I’ve been there done that. I really appreciate your words and I really do want to help especially in this community..

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You have a lot of mitigating factors going for you that the court will consider. I see it every day when people lay the groundwork - suspended sentences, early release, work release. The system can be unpredictable and scary but you are working it! :flexed_biceps:

Source all of your options by talking to the sober living management, talking to your PO, your parents, gathering all of your frameworks for this upcoming change.

I’m rooting for you. Your story resonates. Your healing and growth is the success story that people in the justice system are hoping for.

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Thank you yeah I’m probably going to go over all the factors again in the next couple days and revisit my plan and see what else I need to do I have a lot of people that are willing to write letters for my Probation termination court hearing. The messed up thing is that my probation officer literally said that she has seen people that messed up a bunch and didn’t do what they were supposed to and got off early or the other way around like it’s like the luck of the draw or something it’s crazy. You would think they would treat people that are doing what they’re supposed to better or give favor but it’s almost like how the judge is feeling that day. I guess I just have to try to stay positive no matter What And keep pushing forward. I definitely don’t think Probation and the court system is necessarily out to get me I just think it’s the best plan they currently have or system but I do think it’s a business. And they’re always going to make a lot of money because people are going to continue to mess up because drugs are very addictive And most people don’t want to put the work in to change. At the end of the day I committed the crimes and I have to deal with the consequences so it’s not like I can really bitch about everything. I gotta deal with the consequences and do what they say. No matter what they say. They are in charge

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I think keeping your probation officer is a good idea and moving into the main house is a diversion and necessity and not a back wards step.

Please remember if choices outside your main wishes happen to you, roll with it. You can’t change what is not in your control.

Sounds like the homeward stretch for your race away from probation. But sometimes this can be the hardest part especially if we believe we are home free.

Keep us updated Koolaid x

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That makes sense. I also decided against it for the same reasons. I just volunteer an ear whenever I can.

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Thanks so much. This is exactly why I reached out about this because I was starting to get frustrated and was kind of like why are things not going my way Or basically getting restless about this but that’s life. Just posting this thread has made me realize that I have so much to be grateful for with this situation because 18 months ago I didn’t think I could do this and here I am at the early termination part of my Probation. I just have to let go.. I’ve done what I was supposed to do and more and I’m going to continue to work hard no matter what happens. I’ll definitely keep everybody updated for sure

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Honestly the only thing I really do want to do is go around the city with a like wheel tape cart and hand out like goodie bags of food because there is so many people that did that for me when I was homeless and I would survive on those bags for like two or three days and I thought that was really awesome. I actually saw those people like two weeks ago and I thanked them for those bags of food because they saved me so many times. I also shared some of my story. There is a few organizations that go around handing out these like Ziploc bags with like a bunch of different food type items inside and then sometimes people hand out real meals. That’s one way I want to give back or help out is Trying to help the homeless with food. Also I’ve been trying to figure out a way to start a mental health group but I don’t know how to go about starting that and I have to make sure that the conversations don’t get toxic or politics and religion do not get involved. I don’t know who I would call to get advice about that but it would be cool if there was a meeting like once a week and you just go there to talk about your mental health struggles and it’s not about pushing medication or pushing a certain program but just having a place you can go to talk about what’s going on. Because as far as I know nothing like that exist where I live. I’m pretty positive there is some other people out there that would like to be involved with this where I live.These are some ways that I want to help and like I said I’m not fully against working in the Recovery field but right now I just think it’s best to not do that the other ways to help I don’t think would make me burnt out as far as Recovery but it still is somewhat related to Recovery. I guess more mental health than addiction help

Ps: I literally told the people with the wheel cart of food that I saw two weeks ago that I don’t think the homeless should be denied food because they spend their money on drugs and alcohol. I think they’re still deserving of food and maybe they just need the right person to talk to or need to know more about resources. There is a lot of people out there that are actually starving because they are too wrapped up in addiction to even think about getting food. I know because I’ve been there

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You probably reminded them why they are doing such a beautiful act of kindness and compassion. Maybe discuss your idea with the other organization you know about and they could point you in the right direction. Also digging online could be the best or worst idea. depends on if you know what you’re specifically looking for… it can be overwhelming otherwise

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Yeah I could tell that they understood what I was saying and that it made them realize that they’re actually doing something that is really amazing. I remember the first time I got one of those Ziploc bags full of food I woke up in the park after sleeping there like I always did and there was the Ziploc bag with like 20 different snacks and different food items inside and a couple bottles of water it was a really big bag and I was so incredibly relieved because I was so hungry. Those people that are going around are literally saving people and I hope they know it. They mainly go around on Saturday morning so the next time I have a Saturday off I think I’m going to go talk to them and see if I can be a part or go around with them on the weekend.

I know one thing that Amazes me is that it used to be easy for me to say that people should know about programs or detoxes and all the help out there but the truth is a lot of them have no clue. It’s mind blowing the amount of people that I have talked to on the streets and literally been like dude there’s a medical detox about a mile and a half away and there’s a bed available Usually always or I’ll tell them about the multiple sober living houses and it’s crazy that a lot of people in addiction that are homeless especially in my area don’t even know about these programs or help. Probably sounds messed up but I feel like they need to give a medical detox card inside of the food bags that they hand out.

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That is an amazing thing they are doing. It’s actually quite insane how many people are literally just using because they don’t know there is a way out. I know a lot of people don’t have id’s or insurance, but I’m sure there are ways to help even them. Once someone takes away all the reasons (some valid) they think they can’t they will start listening. That’s the first thing I learned when dealing with others in similar situations

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