Hello all, C again.
I find that in stressful situations my desire to relapse is much higher, contrary to my ability to say no, which seems to be at an all time low. I want to quit. I feel genuinely worse after, once the dopamine dies down. Its a tough time at home due to outside forces, and its made it so i can’t exactly go to my wife regarding my issue.
Any advice for someone who just needs help being able to say no?
Thanks
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Hi @King6of7Kings, welcome back 
You mention stress and are clearly aware that hormones like dopamine wear off after a while. Well, so does adrenaline, brought on by stress. It takes maximum an hour for adrenaline to wear off so that’s the gap you’ll need to bridge, 1 hour.
When a stressful event occurs, take note of the adrenaline kicking in with symptoms like your heart racing, palms getting sweaty, dry mouth etc. After that, make yourself a cup of tea and drink it, that’s 15 minutes done. Next, go for a 30 minute walk, ride, whatever. Finally, talk to your wife, family or friends about what’s making you stressed and that should see you through the full hour.
Now that the adrenaline has left your body, you will be able to make sensible decisions including the one to not consum(at)e your DOC today. That’s all there is to it, ODAAT.
Good luck for next time, we’re rooting for you!
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For me, it’s alcohol.
When things get stressful saying no is harder, and saying no is harder because my brain was wired to see alcohol as the solution.
That meant when I felt stressed or angry or unhappy or whatever, my initial thought was to say immediately ‘I need a drink’.
In reality, alcohol was never the actual solution, it was like pouring accelerant on a fire, it just made things worse.
Think of your brain as a computer.
Whatever your drug or addiction is, it’s hard coded into your brain right now as the solution.
$solution= ${your_addiction}
So when you feel stressed, your brain looks for a solution, and because your addiction is hard coded as the solution, that is the first answer it produces for you. We need to correct that behaviour, that thought process.
How do we do that? We find actual solutions, and practice that until your brain learns how to change it’s definition of the solution.
What actually helps you during these stressful situations? What can you do to relieve stress?
Exercise? Go for a walk, get out and get some fresh air?
Go for a drive and listen to some music?
Meditation, self help video, yoga, breathing etc?
Having a cup of tea/coffee and a chat with someone?
Literally writing this out with pen and paper as an exercise may help, write down what are some genuine solutions to stressful situations for you.
Then, when you feel stressed, try take a moment (easier said than done), and search for all those actual things you have defined as solutions to stress and choose one of those.
If you can practice this, then saying no to your addiction will become easier in stressful situations, because your addiction will no longer be the solution that your brain immediately gives you.
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I see a problem with brainwashing. It’s the belief that porn actually cures stress. Or anxiety. Or fills a void. And provides pleasure. But the truth is that it does none of these things. In fact, porn actually creates the void that I think was meant to fulfill. Instead of curing my stress, I’m left more stressed than ever before. Have you read Easy Peasy yet?
For a long time, I assumed that porn had value, lots of it. So my subconscious self had no problem giving up on myself, my relationships, my values, my self worth, my financial situation, my hobbies, basically everything for this one thing. When I understand that (at least on a conscious level) porn has no value, and remind myself of that truth, it’s much easier to say no to the temptation.
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Sorry to hear about your relapse. I’ve been there. The recovery from the porn habit is brutal.
Yes. Here goes:
Are you trying to do this alone? Honestly. Do you have any community of accountability that is a community of equals, checking in with each other daily, holding themselves accountable? Not just a therapist you see - therapy is useful and I have a therapist, but therapy is not a relationship of equals - but a true community.
If you are trying to do this alone, without opening yourself up to the healthy vulnerability and healthy humility that is required to be part of a recovery community for the long term, then you are setting yourself up for problems.
Doesn’t make one damn bit of difference. If you can only stay sober when things are easy, then you’re not sober. (Also I bet if you take an honest look at the “sober” time you had, you will realize that you were still lusting, still wandering and seeking mini “hits” with your mind and eyes, and the relapse was already under way, it just hadn’t gotten to orgasm yet.)
Dopamine is neither the fundamental cause, nor the fundamental solution. It is a secondary factor at most. (It is a shame that dopamine gets so much attention from NoFap communities on Reddit and elsewhere online, because that heavy focus is a distraction from the more fundamental behavioural and psychological patterns underlying the PMO problem.)
The solution is deeper and more structural and psychological, and it relates to healthy vulnerability and accountability in a community (see above).
Good. My advice would be that making your wife your sobriety accountability partner is a bad idea, at any time (whatever the current state of your relationship).
It isn’t fair to put your spouse - with whom you (should) share a relationship of emotional and physical intimacy, including loyalty (which means no wandering eyes or acting out) - into the person to whom you have to report your wandering eyes and wandering thoughts (and, if it gets that bad, your physically wandering body). Your accountability partner should be someone whose relationship with you is not endangered by your behaviour, no matter what happens. To make your spouse into the person who has to hear about what is going on in your mind in this addiction is not fair to your spouse. It is hurtful.
It is possible and useful, when appropriate, to open up to your spouse, but it should only be done after you have some sober time, and only after consulting with a knowledgeable recovery partner (someone with whom you have a good recovery relationship, who can give you honest advice about what is wise or unwise - and when and how - to open up to your spouse).
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Matt, I would double-heart this post if I could. Awesome share. Thank you. Bookmarked
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