I’m 5 days free of THC after 12 years of consistent, daily smoking since HS.
I’ve seen people talk about how sobriety can feel very lonely, because you start to change, but none of your old friends change with you.
It often means you have to go through a period of loss and grief as you leave old relationships and try to find new ones.
Tonight is my second time experiencing Big Feelings without the aid of any THC to numb me. I have BPD and have struggled with emotional regulation for my whole life, but I’ve had years of therapy at this point and know so many more coping skills. I’m very proud of myself for how much better I’ve learned to take care of myself.
That being said, it wasn’t until 5 days ago that I was ready to admit with my full chest that I’ve been struggling with an addiction. My entire experience with therapy to date have been with weed in my system. I truly do not know myself sober, so I haven’t had to process my feelings to this extent before. I always used smoking to calm me and help me check out, but this would lead to dissociation and eventually depression.
I just want to talk about how it feels like I am a raw nerve when I’m sober. I know that eventually I will have more clarity and Integration, so my emotions won’t feel as intense all the time.
The longest I’ve quit before was 4 months, and that was about 4 years ago. I felt really raw for awhile, but eventually I had a lot of clarity and motivation. I relapsed because I hadn’t admitted it was an addiction, just did it to prove I could, but deep down I knew I wanted to go back to it.
So much of my social circles are based around smoking weed too, so I wasn’t ready to sacrifice that then.
I am now… But it still hurts, and I’m really feeling my inner child tonight as I grieve for feeling alone and afraid. I am afraid I am about to lose all my friends… But if I do lose friends because I no longer smoke pot… That just indicates that our quality time was not authentic. It was about mutually checking out together, and those aren’t the kind of relationships I want to have anyway.
That helps the grief a little bit… But there’s a lot of pain in changing yourself, because no one is guaranteed to come with you, or support you.
