Thank you! I love how you worded this, I find it so true.
There’s much healing for all within these scared spaces. Thank you for always holding space for many of us love! 
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Day 1719.
It’s been a while since my last update. Spirit always has a way of guiding me to share when I have things coming up for me. And of course, this time is no different lol. But I’m truly grateful for this as we are never in it alone.
I’ve had the feelsies this week. That can happen at this time of year as I think about those who I miss during the holdiays. But this year I also feel this kind of sense of impending doom on top of that. My grandmother and I are SUPER close. She’s been slowing down for quite some time now and my mom took her to the doctor to get things checked out last week. Thursday they did bloodwork and discovered her kidneys are very low functioning-which explains a lot of her symptoms. They rushed an MRI scan for the next day and this week we still haven’t heard the results or what any of this will look like. So, while I’m bringing myself back into the moment when my mind starts to wander forward, realistically these will likely be the last holiday gatherings I get to be with her for. I’ve been truly blessed, she is 95 and I still get to connect with her today. And that’s what I immediately bring myself back to when my mind wanders, today I get to speak with her and we’ll go through tomorrow when tomorrow comes. Worrying about it now only ruins today. Plus, I truly do know all is well. Her soul is eternal and we will still connect, it will just look different and that’s ok. She will be reuinited with those she loves and she will be free when her day comes but it sure is still bringing up my selfishness to the surface as I want to keep her here with me forever.
In addition to those feelsies, I also always miss my ex’s children and family at this time of year. The littlest one’s birthday is Tuesday so I’m keeping her Friday night to celebrate it. The oldest just got his own apartment, he came out to see me and the new house not long ago-it was actually really wonderful. I’m grateful I have these kids still in my life and that the relationships between us have continued to grow on my recovery journey as well. It also turned out after I made my amends to their father, he began therapy to look at his part in his failed relationships. So we all continue to grow together, yet seperately. I was surpised how much learning of his inner work brought up for me. It made my heart SO happy for him and his family, but I also had these flashes of our old life together popping up. So, I immediately called my sponsor and she reminded me that it’s ok to be happy for him and also have those things come to the surface. They come up for us to release new layers of emotions. Feelings. Resentments. The buried things that can keep us sick. And she reminded me too that romancing the past or wishing it was different won’t help. That experience made me who I am today and I truly am gratefil for that. Just LOTS of unexpected feelsies this week.
In excellent news, my new snow blower arrived this week so I’m feeling ready for winter. I’m a month and a half in with no sugar or coffee. I have great plans in place for tomorrow so I won’t self-sabatoge with food and I get to see my family. I started decorating for Christmas already this year-the last several I haven’t had more umph in me than to put up a decrationless tree with just lights on it. It feels really good to have that spirit coming back and to see the decorations in my home. I got a christmas bonus today and my management team with my board decided yesterday that I needed a raise after obtaining the best audit our attorney has ever completed nationwide. All of this is so so good!! And so foreign.
When I was drinking, I was not showing up to work frequently as I was always sick and hung over. When I was showing up, I had booze on my breath and did half assed work so I was always worried about losing my job. While I was there, I couldn’t wait to get home and hide in my chaos filled black hole, drinking and smoking my life away. Today I get to actually show up for life. I have my own home. I make significantly more money. I have authentic and meaningful connections. Ones where others actually give back too. I have a connection to my higher power and even to myself that I could never have dreamed of. I’m starting my own business and I’m helping others daily to find their own light. I’m doing things I never dreamed were possible. My hardest day sober I wouldn’t trade for my best day drinking. I get to see new truths and live in the solution every day and even with all the ups and downs life brings I am beyond grateful that I get to show up today. That I can trust I will be given exactly what I need in any situation. And that I don’t have to run from life, even when it’s uncomfortable at times. I’m a very grateful recovering alcoholic today!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone and I hope you are all well. Love you guys! ~Mandi
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Always nice to hear from you, Mandi.
Congrats on your raise.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
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Happy Thanksgiving friend!
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These updates always leave me feeling better than I did before.
Thanks for sharing your time and thoughts with us.
Valuable stuff
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Thanks for your share and always great to hear from you Mandi. Happy Thanksgiving!
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Love you Mandi!! Wishing you a peaceful and loving Thanksgiving!!
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Nice. I’m all for positive vibes. I’ll leep checkin in.
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Day 1740.
Hello everyone!
I just wanted to come on and check in. I’m still continuing to make changes along my journey, per usual lol. I’ve got 1740 days alcohol free, over a year straight without cannabis and I’m over 2 months without coffee or sugar. For me, these have been my biggest and most detrimental coping mechanisms that I’ve held on to for a VERY long time. Most of my life really. I have never in my entire life gone this long without each one of these, let alone all of them at once! My sobriety has given me so many gifts. Doing the work has given me new coping skills. New perspectives. New awareness of myself. And these gifts just keep on giving because I continue to have the ability to change and try new things. Even (especially) when it’s uncomfortable and the unknowns are present. I’ve found my higher power and I have the most incredible connection. I know even if things don’t look like I think they “should”, I have faith I’m protected and that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
Speaking of which, my higher power continues to prompt me to look at my own self-sabatoging tendencies. This has become pretty common honestly over the last 5 years. Sometimes I get the great idea that something I gave up (which, I gave up for a reason) would be a wonderful thing to go back to. I’ve become well versed at not acting on those thoughts and standing in that inner power that I’ve come to uncover. I get to say no thanks to even myself with the things that dont serve my highest and greatest good, in the good times and the bad times. I don’t need to go back to where I was. I left that space behind for a reason. This is all new and I’m grateful for the ability to be uncomfortable now as I have grown greatly due to this. I used to do everything I could to avoid being uncomfortable and bury my head in the sand or run away. Today when I am guided to do something that is uncomfortable or new, I may not like it but I trust that it’s in my best interest to go try it as there’s something there for me to discover.
And this is leading to some pretty great things! I am in my waterfront home. I just got the highest rating on my annual compliance audit that has ever been given out in the nation by our auditor and I’ve started my own side spiritual business as well this last year. Stepping outside of my comfort zone is truly changing everything in my life. I’m trying SO many new things I never thought I’d be doing. My higher power is truly amazing and knows much more than my limited perception does. It never steers me wrong. I’ve expanded far beyond my own horizons and it’s truly a gift as I’ve been able to help others in ways I never dreamed possible by doing this. Even 1 year ago, I didn’t think I’d be doing what I am today. 5 years ago, I was full of SO much pain, misery and chaos. I like this way of life much better. In my sobriety and doing the work to change things, these promises really have come true for me.
I hope this little check in finds you all well and I love you guys! Happy Holidays everyone! 
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So good to hear from you my friend, I hope you are well!
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Day 1753.
I just wanted to check in and see how everyone did with the holidays. They can be tricky at times to navigate. I’m personally finding the longer I am sober, the easier they become.
I myself have struggled with connecting with my family in my sobriety. Working the steps has helped me change that in a big big way. It has allowed me to open doors up to acceptance, love, tolerance, forgiveness and understanding. For me, these have been the doors of freedom. It allows me to not take things personally. To love myself and others as “flawed” as we all are-we are all perfectly imperfect. They help me stay right sized as my sponsor says. And I can find my own calm in the midst of the chaos when I go home. I don’t go alone, I take my higher power with me and that’s truly a conscious contact I am thankful for in my sobriety.
My family gatherings always include alcohol. I struggled with that at first. Now I am grateful I don’t feel the need nor want to partake. I know I am not missing anything, I don’t want what they have. I’ve had that life and I was absolutely miserable and I was lucky honestly. I was shutting my body, my soul and my emotions down. I was sick. I was unhappy. My life was chaotic and a mess. Today I happily sip my tea and silently count my lucky stars while I exude gratitude for my sobriety. I visited my dad and my aunt at the cemetery on the way to my old house where Gramma now lives and I know I’m lucky to have been able to make it out of that lifestyle alive.
We celebrated Christmas Eve with my Gramma, as always. Her parents came here from Sweden so that tradition is always what we’ve followed. It was so lovely!! She was SO happy, that made my heart just swell and still does to think about. We laughed, we cried, we reminisced and we loved. This was likely her last Christmas and I’m so happy it was SO good for her. Neither of her children were there and the house had no power until the end of the night but she had a lovely day anyway. My cousin came and decorated her tree for her. We both did some cleaning for her and I did the cooking. My son set up her new Bose stero she bought herself. My mom and my nephew came over and we all just enjoyed eachothers company. It was truly wonderful!
After the celebration, I made the hour and a half return trip home to take care of the homestead. My son stayed in town with his dad after our gathering but he’s almost 21 so I suspect he’ll fly the coop one of these days. Waking up on Christmas morning in my own home away from my family and being content regardless is a gift. I bought myself flowers earlier in the week, gave myself grace and treated me like someone I loved. I spent my day doing what I loved…singing, checking out the river, cuddling with my pets, feeding the birds, taking a nap, eating good food, etc. I never would have been able to do this before my sobriety and doing the steps. Never. I love me today. I am happy being in my own company again as I’ve rediscovered myself on a whole new level. And for this gift I am truly forever grateful.
I hope you are all doing well and I’m sending you all my love!
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Merry Christmas, Mandi!
So glad you posted an update. Sounds like you had a lovely time with family and yourself.
Unfortunately, my mother in law passed away on the 23rd. But I’m lucky to have a beautiful bunch of ladies to lean on at AA so we got together Christmas eve for pizza and a meeting. Each of us had our own troubles to deal with and there’s nothing better than doing it together and practicing “a sorrow shared is halved”. A lot of tears were shed and many hugs to be had. I left there feeling loved and in a much better mental place.
Christmas morning with my husband and daughter was beautiful. We then went to my sister in laws for brunch where everyone was already drinking to drown their sorrows. Watching them confirmed sobriety is a much better way to deal with all of my emotions. Thankfully, my husband is in the program and very supportive when he sees I’ve had enough of the drinking scene and we left early. We then had a quiet evening eating Chinese food which is out of the norm for us. Neither of us were into the cooking and cleaning. Flexibility is another gift of sobriety. All in all it was a great holiday.
Have a Happy and Healthy New Year!!! Much love to you!
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Oh honey, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. But I am so happy to hear that you had a wonderful support system and that you were not in it alone. Troubles shared are troubles halfed and we never have to go through it alone.
I’m happy to hear that you were able to have a good Christmas morning! And that you were able to leave early sober and have that flexible to allow some time decompressing together. I truly find that those more difficult times can bring us closer to those we love and I’m so grateful you can lean on eachother. It’s not always easy but having true support sure does help. Hugs to you my love!!
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Aww! Thank you so much for your kind words, Mandi. 
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Day 1756.
Hello everyone, Happy (almost) New Year!
I recieved a divinely guided message that came to me tonight while I was in my Friday night meeting to come check in again. This time I was guided to talk about facing the things I dont want to.
Last week I was having a conversation with someone about finances and debt. I’m not even gonna sugar coat it, owning my own home and keeping everything afloat by myself has not been easy. I moved here with practically no debt aside from the mortgage that I had just signed. That has not even remotely stayed the same as my income has barely covered the bills and there’s been a lot of things that have been needed here. I always manage to get what I need, however, the thought of having debt again makes my old habits rise to the surface. When the subject was breached and I really started to look at it, I got that “I want to throw up” feeling in the pit of my stomach and I wanted to avoid the subject. I was able to recognize my reaction as the subject came up, I acknowledged it in the moment and I was told by this person-it is ok if you want to throw up but avoiding it won’t fix the problem. And they were right. That was a God Shot moment for me. Once the conversation was over, I had no interest in holding on to that energy, so I grounded myself and asked my higher power to take my worries, fears and anxiety away about it. And I asked for the willingness to find a solution. Two days later, I knew I needed to look at everything, to know exactly where I was at and set some intentions for how to handle it. And as I did that, I didn’t feel sick at all-I actually felt good doing it and knowing what I had going on. Even if it didn’t look pretty, I felt like I COULD do something different instead of burying my head in the sand again and hiding under the covers just hoping it would go away. That is my old alcoholic behavior. Nothing changes if nothing changes and action is needed.
In my old life, I hated conflict and couldn’t deal well with it. I buried my head in the sand and tried to pretend my life problems didn’t matter…which lead me to doing everything I could to numb and disconnect myself from me. I was sick, I hated my life, I didn’t even know who I was anymore or recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. My life was completely unmanagable. Not just with my alcoholism, it spilled all over my whole life. So, when I saw that I was trying to bury my head in the sand-I KNOW precisely where that got me in my past. And that is nothing I want back so I knew I needed to ask for the willingness to face this and do something different. And I am. For me, my alcoholism is often but a symptom of my bigger tendencies. I have to continue to look at my causes and conditions. Because if I stop doing that, these things keep me sick and can lead me back out.
I’m grateful for the ability to continue doing this work today. Even when it’s not easy, each time I do something different it leads me somewhere new. If I always do what I’ve always done, I will always get what I’ve always got. I am ready for the new to continue to come in, but I have to keep doing the work to allow it in. I have to take action. It’s not enough to know, but that is the first step. Once I know however, I need to DO better. Action is the key to change. Even (especially) when it’s uncomfortable, it is absolutely worth it. And so are you!
Have a great, safe and sober weekend my loves!
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Lovely, powerful share. I love your call to action. Thanks for being here and a part of this community @MandiH
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Day 1757.
My higher power works in incredible ways so as I get the guidance to come on here, I do it. And it’s been pretty insistent about being on here more frequently recently.
Every morning before I even get out of bed, I post little quips of my story or wisdom on my spiritual business page that I am guided to share. Today’s message was about accepting support and I was guided to come in here and share a little more about this.
In my old life, I very much had the illusion of control and of being able to do everything on my own. I always helped others, but could never really manage to help myself or put myself first. At a very young age in my childhood, I was taught that my needs didn’t matter and that I just needed to help others. I later dated very selfish people who reinforced that belief. But I allowed it as I thought that was normal.
In my recovery though, I have learned that I needed to put myself and my recovery first. I needed to step back for a while and focus on my inner being. Connecting to my soul and my higher power. And the more I did that, the more spirit would bring connections into my life that were mutually beneficial. Connections that are supportive. That are healthy. That have the give and take balance. The right things always arrive right on time if I can allow it in.
My first instict is often, no thanks-I’ve got this. I swear I was put in this house to help me break this habit more and more. I have been actively working with my AA recovery for almost 3 years now so I know I not only don’t need to do this alone, it works best if I don’t. As an independent woman who has always worked to keep things together for not only myself but for others too, this was hard for me to accept. I felt weak if I couldn’t do everything on my own. But, doing things my old way led to my life becoming miserable and unmanagable. I thought I didn’t need anything from anyone-I had this alllllll on my own. Hahaha, riiiiiight.
Today, I have allowed connections in to my life that are supportive. That help me to grow. That lend a helping hand. That show me different ways of thinking and living. That support me and encourage me to continue to make good decisions. Having that kind of support is priceless. I have people that truly know me and love the real me today. That is the kind of unconditional love that money can’t buy. The kind that goes right to the core of my soul. This is all possible thanks to my sobriety. To my recovery. And today I am grateful for knowing I do not have to do this all on my own anymore.
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Day 1763.
Today is the Wolf full moon. This is a time of releasing. A time of things coming back from the past. Of old emotions, people or situations bubbling up to the surface for releasing. It’s also a time of strange dreams where we need to look beyond the obvious for the messages we’re being given. So if this is happening for you, please know you’re not alone. This is a time of healing.
This week I’ve had some weird and unexpected things arise. Yet when someone from my past reached out, it actually didn’t feel unexpected oddly enough-even though we haven’t spoken in several years. This has given me an opportunity to look at many of the steps again with this connection coming back from my past. I just have to say out loud how incredible of a gift that is! To be able to see my wrongs. To be able to see clearly what my part is this connection is instead of feeling like a victim like I did the last time I saw them. And while I have absolute peace, love & forgiveness in my heart for not only them but for myself, I don’t have to entertain or encourage that connection this time. I can say what I mean without saying it mean or placing blame on either of us and I can speak my truths. It’s been a fact finding mission. I don’t have to invite that old chaos & heartache back into my life anymore. Not only do I not feel obligated, my love for myself now is stronger than the desire to be in contact again with someone I love when we always just end up hurting each other. It’s not the intention we set out for, but it always ultimately happens and it’s not healthy. We always think it’ll be different, but it never has been in the last 27 years. I have the ability to see that clearly now. I don’t have any interest in replaying that old tune. The opportunity has arisen to help me finally release this part of my past. To make different choices. To truly take action toward the life I want to live instead of replaying that old pattern. I have a choice and get to set boundaries today. I get to make healthier decisions today thanks to doing this step work. I get to let go. I have never chosen this path before when this connection has resurfaced and my heart is sure freaking grateful for this full moon releasing tonight.
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Day 1774.
Today marks the 26th anniversary of my dad’s passing. This is now double the amount of time I had with him in life.
I’m reflecting today on how important his presence has been in my life. We had a strained relationship. I really struggled with his alcoholism. I struggled with his relationship with my mom. I struggled with him working out of state to make ends meet for our family. I struggled with knowing that alcohol was going to kill him and that he was going to die. My dreams consistently showed me this. I used to beg him, plead with him, try to dump out his booze, wrote him poems asking him to stop and telling him what would happen. And, it did, exactly when I told him it would.
What I didn’t understand at the time was how influential he was in my life. How I was following in his footsteps. And how he was the one who guided me on my path to sobriety. In my sobriety with my newfound spiritual connection, I have been shown that he has awakened much pain within my soul to allow me to heal this. That I have carried this not only in this lifetime but in other lifetimes. I know this is a little out there, but this is my authentic belief and it may not be for everyone-that’s ok! This is what I’ve been shown. Also that my sobriety is breaking this chain of addiction for my family. And it’s a strong one. I am the only sober person in my family on both sides. Addictions kill in our families. And I have been shown that my dad has helped to lead me down this sober journey. To truly live and choose a new way. I am grateful for his presence. It’s undeniable in my life. His body may no longer be with me but his soul is and he’s guiding me to a new life. I never would have thought this was possible, but my experiences continue to show me this. And I’m forever grateful for his guidance. I’ve been healing in ways I never knew that I needed.
I never would have dreamed that recovery would bring me closer to my dad after he died, but it has. And today I remember him with a love and appreciation I never knew existed within me. I’m grateful for this day, for his presence in my life, for my recovery and for love.
I used to celebrate him by having a drink on this day as he loved it so much that it was his demise. Now instead, I honor him by adding one more sober day. Love you Dad, thank you!
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