@MandiH … what an amazing story. And a testament to the power of love and believing and the benefits of sobriety. Tears are running down my face. For the beauty in your story and for the loss of your sweet baby. Hugs to you. And thanks for this wonderful story. 
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Thanks so much guys, love you all! We are so never in it alone. @Mbwoman that made me teary eyed too.
And this one us for you @AyBee! 
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Totally love it!
And there’s something especially cool about 5’s
Your journey has been absolutely amazing.
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Totally agree, I caught a rainbow set of 5’s last night. For me this number is all about transitions and new beginnings. I love it! We truly are all in it together.
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I know what it’s like to lose a pet; I’m very sorry for you. But that was a beautiful story and photo!!
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Oh Mandi, what an emotional and beautiful post. I’m sorry to hear of the loss of your dear kitty friend, the comfort that you experienced is just incredible and very special. Thank you for sharing it with us sending big hugs back to you
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I love this one
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Day 1559.
This week has been one for the record books for sure! I updated you about my day on Saturday and on Sunday when I asked my HP for guidance about the direction for my the day, I fully expected I’d be lead to a place. It was gorgeous out and I assumed I needed nature therapy…I immediately got the message instead, “get your home in order”. For me, this can be taken one of two ways. My body or my physical home space. I worked out already the night prior and that morning, so I was pretty sure my physical home was meant this time and I started right in. I had no idea how much had been neglected in my home while caring for my ailing kitty as that had been my main focus for several weeks. I ended up doing deep cleaning the rest of the day until my meeting that evening. I mean, I even dusted! 
The energy was SOOOOO much lighter after and I suddenly understood why that needed to happen. I kept looking at this basket of books I have on my coffee table, thinking I should find a new home for them. Each time I went to pick them up, I kept getting a strong intuitive thought, “leave them be”. This happpened several times and I finally conceded.
The next day, my son worked his first closing shift. He normally opens at his job instead. All week I kept getting the words “burning bowl” as a message so I eventually looked up what that was. Turns out, that’s what I usually do when I write and burn my letter to release energy into the ethers-I just don’t use a bowl to do it in. So, since Monday happens to be one of my few free nights of the week and I had an empty house all to myself for once, I wondered what I should do and asked for direction. Immediately, burning bowl came back up. Which made sense as the full moon energy had arrived and that’s the perfect time to do release work. So, I sat down at my coffee table since I was alone (normally I do this in my reiki room so I’m not interrupted) and I had no idea what to write. I started doodling. I wrote down a few words of what I didn’t want to carry with me into the future. And I would pause after each one, looking up at those books with my gaze consistently being drawn to the Just For Today book. After several times of that happening, I decided to just stop writing and open the book. When I turned to that day, forgive your father was the writing title. Well damn. Truth tears hit and confirmed I had more work to do.
I immediately thought back over my day and realized I had been getting messages all day related to my dad. The first thing I woke up to was a penny in the middle of a table that was not there the night prior, those are my dad’s signs. I read a Facebook post right after that I commented on, hey thanks for making me think of my dad this morning. My mom brought him up randomly. A friend of mine did too as well as my grandmother. All completely unrelated. My brother, his son, also reached out. I realized all of this confirmed the message as well. I thought I had healed any issues with my dad. Turned out, that was just the biggest and most obvious layer. As I wrote, so much clarity ended up coming out the longer it went. I continue to attract some people into my life that mirror my connection with my dad. They may be better than they used to be, but it is often still unhealed and off balance connections-some of which are long term ones. Some are newer ones. But that energy still exists within me and the people in my life are mirroring that to show me that I still have work to do. I uncovered so many painful emotions from my childhood. When I saw those, I was then able to picture myself going back and giving the love to myself that I needed as a child. The attention. Affection. Security. To just let her be seen and not hidden in the shadows. I noticed as I did this, my hands were often on that child’s upper back-supporting her with touch and affection. This is one of the spots I have chronic pain. The next day, I woke up with my upper back and my neck being SO stiff, I knew I needed to move my body physically and get that energy I had shifted the night before to move out. It was truly an incredible experience! I could feel the shift within me, both physically, mentally and emotionally. It was hard to sit and look at that, I ugly cried for a long time while writing that all out and having all of those memories and emotions come pouring out. But it was needed. We often have to feel it to heal it. When I talked with my sponsor about it, she said congratulations! This is big work and this is what recovery is all about. Doing the work to release the past for a new future. Having awareness. Clarity. Peace. Freedom. Feeling emotions even. It’s a true gift.
Long story never short at all, it was a series of events that lead to this healing. The making space. Cleaning my energy field. My son working a different time. Listening to my intuition as often as possible. Asking for guidance. Following the signs and synchronicity. Taking action. Doing the work when the time arrived. The divine orchestrated all of this in a perfect fashion for this healing to transpire and I’m SO grateful. More will always be revealed and this work for me will never be finished but I now get to take new actions and move into another new space in life. One where yet again I’ve never been before. But every time I take a step up, new beauty awaits me. Progress not perfection. I’m just SO blessed and so thankful to be on this sober journey. We are never ever in it alone. Love you guys!
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Day 1614.
The energies around right now seem to be all over the place, this past week it has felt a little like a rollercoaster ride if I’m being honest. I did a drum circle this weekend with my sponsor, her husband and some folks he met at some shamanistic classes they took. In that circle, we did a meditation journey where we asked what we could do to add more self love to our own lives and how we can spread more love out to the world. In my meditation, I was shown I needed to release the negativity by forgiving a select few people. One of which was my mother. When I asked how, I felt my heart start beaming up with love for her and I was like OK, I’ve got my answer! That was…until I tried to do that with my narcissist ex of 15 years and the woman he cheated on me with the last 4 years. I can be around them and be totally all good, but I was shown in a dream that it’s a cloud over me still. I didn’t believe it until I tried to send them love after my meditation and I really struggled with that. I talked to my sponsor tonight and she suggested that I pray for them and ask them the things I would ask for myself. To be happy, loving, peaceful, kind, etc and end it with if this is your will higher power. I got the idea I needed to reach out in here this evening and ask if anyone has any format or suggestions on something like this? We are never in this stuff alone. Love you guys!
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When I have prayed for others whom I resented or disliked, I never could start until there was a seed of willingness in me. And it usually starts not as formal or “proper” prayer. I think that they must feel pretty hurt to be so aggravating, that sort of thing.
Go well, sister!
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Ahhh yes! We talked a bit about that tonight too. I totally admit, I can sometimes look at what I see within their connection and say well Karma seems to have panned out…but my sponsor reminded me that I can recognize it as I’ve been in that life before too and know how miserable it is so compassion should be easy. I was like, damn…I love that you’re right and that definitely helped plant the seeds a little more. When I first tried to send love, it didn’t work. Tolerance and understanding I had down but this is a new level on a more difficult subject than I realized. Thanks so much Dan!
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Ah beauty, have you considered a metta / loving kindness meditation?
They always help ease my mind.
Some suggestions…
https://insighttimer.com/sharonsalzberg/guided-meditations/lovingkindness-meditation
Much love
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You are amazing, as always! Thank you! Tonight I’m going to ask for the willingness to enter and I’ll come back to these tomorrow. Thank you love!
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I always pray that they get what they need, works for me.
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You guys are amazing, it totally worked!!! I didn’t have the willingness. I forgot the step where I needed to ask for that, this one ran deeper that I realized. But ask and you shall recieve!! Thank you guys so much!
So grateful to remember that it’s just a phase and I can do the work to keep moving forward. Progress not perfection is always a great reminder.
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Day 1631.
Thank you guys so much for your assistance! In doing the work to pray for my ex and his wife, I was guided to go back and really look at how I felt during that time. I thought it was a “feel it to heal it” kind of thing, so I dragged my feet a few days on it as I didn’t want to dredge up that old stuff. When the message got louder, I stopped procrastinating and did the work. I was able to acknowledge the things that I saw from my perspective and how that felt instead of avoiding that. But, more importantly, I got to see more of my side of the street and how much I did that wasn’t perfect. I think that is key in leading me to freedom. I have more compassion, understanding and forgiveness not only for them but for myself. It feels big! I got to see the old story too so I could change my perspective to reframe it. I’m not a hostage of my past anymore and I don’t need to replay that old story any longer. More step work was certainly revealed.
And the timing on this couldn’t be any better really. Divine timing always knows best. I’ve been reconnecting with someone, and doing this work has helped me bring my defensive walls down to receive. The energy shift that comes from doing this work and forgiving the past is how we can truly change the trajectory of our lives. It’s beautiful! And I’m grateful. Love you guys, I hope each of you are staying on the beam and doing well.
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Day 1631 part two.
I just had a video pop up tonight, asking to see what we looked like 5 years ago and now. So I looked. This was several months before I quit drinking. There was no life in my eyes. My health was not good. My rash that we thought was related to my autoimmune issues was super prominent-turns out it was from drinking as my body was not able to function properly. I was pretty miserable on all levels and it was literally written all over my face.
The next photo was from tonight, no filter, just watching the sunset on my porch. I’m so full of gratitude in my heart now that I’ve put in some real effort to change my entire life. I have been able to uncover many layers of the things that have held me down to where I could discover TRUE happiness that now radiates from the inside out. I’m SO grateful for those along my path that have shown me the way and what was possible. I am where I am today because of those who have let their bright light shine to illuminate the way to freedom. This would never have been possible without my recovery and help from other alcoholics who have helped me along my journey. Grateful really isn’t a big enough word for how full my heart is just thinking about the gifts I’ve been given in sobriety.
If you want a different life, it can absolutely be achieved! Don’t give up. Let others help you try something different. Put in the work. You’re worth it.
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Always nice to read your updates. You’re my hero! The transformation you’ve made is absolutely beautiful and you give me hope.
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Day 1666.
Hello my loves! I have noticed I’m often guided to share when I’m working through the trials of life in sobriety. Being vulnerable and sharing my stuff isn’t something that always comes naturally to me but it’s just another gift sobriety offers me-authenticity, vulnerability and knowing we aren’t in it alone.
When I was active in my addictions, I had a strong fight or flight mechanism. Any perception of potential conflict and I’d bury my head in the sand, ignore it and run from it. I’d people please and say things to keep the peace that weren’t fully authentic to my heart. I’d drink or smoke to try to forget about it. I fully gave my power away. In my recovery, I’ve been learning to change this. Not only was it unhealthy for me and it kept me extremely stuck in life, my body has lasting reprocussions from living in this state also. When we block our energy from flowing, our bodies react to these blockages and trauma responses. It holds on to these things and it creates illness, mine came out in autoimmune disorders. As I heal, these conditions impact me less. But I have to keep doing the work as opportunities arise. And arise they do.
In my recovery, I have a pretty amazing connection with my higher power. I had received a message someone from my past was going to unexpectedly pop back in-which is very typical during mercury retrograde. And a week or so later, the message arrived. I knew something was coming but even with a warning, it wasn’t even on my radar for it being this person.
I attempted my first sober relationship for a few months last year. 4 days before I closed on my new house, it was made clear to me that wasn’t the kind of connection that belonged in my new life. We had one conversation that lasted 2 hours and it resulted in confirming for me everything my intuition told me. There was much he never said and it allllllll came out at that time after I said thanks for all you’ve brought to my life but this is truly not what I want. He was angry and he let it all fly out. At the end of that conversation, I reiterated this wasn’t the type of relationship I wanted and we didn’t see each other or speak again.
Almost exactly 1 year later, he reached out saying he had moved and he found my old Harry Potter DVD’s. Half an hour later, he sent a message to my son. Half hour later I got another message saying if I didn’t respond he’d throw them away along with my other stuff he found. I spoke with my sponsor and my higher power before responding. I had two options. Ignore it and just let it go-I didn’t truly need whatever it was after a year of living without it. Or, I could go and meet him. My sponsor said just because i was invited to the party didn’t mean I had to participate and I likely didn’t need whatever he had. However, there may be healing in this for one or even both of us. My higher power said meet with him. So I responded and said I hoped he was well and that once my vehicle was looked at on Thursday, when we knew what the repair timing would be, we could arrange a time. He responded and when I saw the notification, my fight or flight anxiety kicked in. I knew in that moment I had healing to do and that is why this opportunity arose.
We live over an hour apart and we hadn’t agreed we would meet on Thursday, but I knew before I left for the repair shop that was the day I’d see him. While I was there waiting for my vehicle, I thought to myself maybe I don’t need to meet him and there’s nothing there I need…I was trying to take back the wheel. All of a sudden, I hear loud classical music blasting from the vehicle repair bay, it was so loud I could hear it over my headphones. After a minute or so, I realized this was the Harry Potter song playing. When I got up a little while later, I also realized they had a TV in the waiting area (I had my back to it, sitting at a desk) and Harry Potter was playing there too. So when I knew my car could be fixed that day, I conceded and sent him a message.
My higher power and I connect often through synchronicty. Repeating numbers, messages like Harry Potter playing to tell me to go see him and get my dvd’s, etc. When he responded, I plugged the information into my GPS. The location address was 33 Hannaford Way, 33 minutes away and arrival time was 4:44. It confirmed this was the right action. So I went and just asked for protection and wisdom to take the next right action.
When I arrived, I had some extra time. I like to write as the information I need tends to flow out-it just so happened I had a notebook and pen with me. So I took it out and I wrote while sitting in the parking lot. What came through was that this connection needed healing. Proper closure. No icky feelings like the past had. To be able to cross paths and have it be ok. To have that unconditional love arise where even if we can’t be in each others lives, I still really do wish the best for you. And to have this communicated, not just held in a thought.
He arrived and it was awkward and uncomfortable at first. Until I let my heart open up and stopped letting it being so closed off. Because I did that, we spoke for an hour. We had a good and healing conversation. I was able to thank him for his presence in my life and for helping me see what I am truly capable of. I didn’t think I could do many things that connection proved to me that I could. I had many opportunities arise for healing my own patterns too as these are things I can’t work on alone. That connection helped me in many ways and I’m grateful I was able to express this and to still be able to do so without opening that door back up fully either. To say I wish you well in life and take care of yourself without feeling the ick or like I should rejoin the party. I very much got the impression that’s what he hoped for but I spoke my truths and was able to successfully close the door. I never used to do that, I’d always keep people in my life FAR beyond the healthy expiration date. Or I’d carry the resentments with me when I slammed the door shut. This was a gentle and grateful door closing and I felt light and free. This freedom and this healing is just another gift of my sobriety. As I continue doing the work and clearing out my clutter with my higher power and my sponsor, I become more and more free the longer it goes on. Today I’m grateful to be living in the solution as it has many unexpected gifts. I’m feeling blessed after facing that discomfort head on with a heart full of love instead of burying my head in the sand and letting this opportunity pass me by.
I hope you are all doing well on this beautiful October 1st and I love you all! 
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Beautiful process Mandi, thanks so much for sharing with us!! I am glad you found the healing and closure you needed. You are living life wide open and it shines thru!
I especially believe this…we definitely do not need to attend every party (or argument) we are invited to. I see as well that at times it is the others need to process their stuff and they choose us as their assistant…and as you found, at times that helps heal places in our selves as well. Good stuff!!
So love this for you.
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