Day 1895.
Last night I had one of those dreaded relapse dreams. I very rarely get these. In my dream, I remember saying no, it was just a dream that I drank. But then I realized I was actually drunk and it wasn’t a dream. So weird, dreaming about dreaming about being drunk lol. But in my dream, I had actually drank. I was so bummed at the reality of having to reset and tell my sponsor. I decided to leave the party house I was at with several others at the same time and we all ended up in the ditch, crashing into each other, creating a huge mess but somehow carrying on for us all to get out of the ditch and drive. I remember while driving I was thinking I shouldn’t be driving but hyper focused on looking like I’ve got my shit together. It was a mess.
Then, I thought about this as I woke up today. I can absolutely see parallels to this dream in my own life, even in sobriety.
Sometimes I land in the ditch, which is an opportunity to stop before I decide to keep going on the wrong track. But instead, I sometimes want to ignore that and just keep going. Sometimes I also want to just look like I’ve got my shit totally together and I focus on that instead of being real with myself or anyone else. Sometimes the company I keep isn’t helpful to me, it can keep me in old unhealthy patterns too so I’ve had to do more releasing there the last few weeks also.
I met with my sponsor last night and I was honest about where I’m at and how I’m feeling. I wrote it all out before we met to get some clarity on this as my HP told me this was needed. It is always helping me to see what what I can not myself. We went over my emotions, why I am feeling them and that it’s ok to have those feelings come up and honor them. Gotta feel it to heal it and deal with it she says. I found I’ve been wanting to keep busy and sweep them under the rug, not even taking the time to acknowledge them to myself. She reminded me last night how important it was that I did that work to acknowledge this and to tell someone about it because these uncomfortable feelings are the things we used to drink to deal with. So, in looking at it like that, it’s no surprise I had that dream last night.
My higher power has asked me to make a bold move. And as this gets closer to actually being a reality, the more difficult feelings are arising. When the guidance came in, I thought it was strange but I trusted it. Now that the time has come to do the heavy lifting and really start moving in to this new space, I’ve got a lot of fears coming up within me. Holding those in and not getting them out in the open to process them will make me sick on all levels-mentally, spiritually and physically. I don’t want the life I used to have and even the life I have now I’m ready to trade in for a different version. But that’s pretty scary still with all the unknowns. And that’s ok. I’m still taking action. But I have to take the time to honor my emotions too and not just be all action orientated. Balance, honesty & authenticity is key.
This is what my recovery looks like today and I felt I needed to share this. In working my recovery, I get to see things from a different point of view than I used to have. I’m grateful for this. We are never truly in it alone and I thank you guys for being you! 
Letting go can be so freeing!! 
