Man, this move is D.I.F.F.I.C.U.L.T. emotionally. It’s taken a few days of connecting with my sponsor and myself to get to my why’s. My character defects are still running strong turns out lol.
I’m still split between both houses. Trying to get the old one ready to sell and trying to figure out a new way of life in the new space. Trying to navigate living with others. And, I have never been in this space before.
Since I turned 18 and got my own apartment, I’ve always been pretty self sufficient and have always obtained my own space. It is VERY difficult for me to accept help it turns out. To feel like I’m invading someone else’s space, inconveniencing them or are a burden at times. I’m used to being the one to help others, not the one on this side of the fence. It makes me more emotional than I’ve been in a long time. It’s breaking down walls and barriers. It’s helping me see more of what I need to release and do the work on. Self-love and worthiness is still a tricky one to navigate for me turns out lol. Humility is coming in and it’s by divine nature, no doubt.
In this time where I’m going from the minute my feet hit the floor until I go to bed, I could let the gifts my sobriety is trying to give me take me back out. These uncomfortable feelings are EXACTLY what I used to drink over. I could say I don’t have time to do the work with such a busy schedule. But, instead I’m hitting some days two meetings a day. Zoom is a beautiful thing, I can listen to recovery and work on the house when needed, or drive and listen. It can be how I start or end my day when I’m winding down. When I think I don’t have time is EXACTLY when I need it most. I’m reading my literature more again. I’m not resting on my laurels or accepting my excuses of why I can’t work my recovery. I need it to continue to live my life in a new way.
I’ve never been here before and I’ll never be here again. I’m thankful I will experience this phase fully and sober. Much growth is coming from my discomfort and to be present through that sucks at times but the blessings are big.
Just had to share where I’m at. Love you guys!!
Oh and I just felt pulled to go pull out my daily reflections book…boom! Perfect.
This is an incredible period of moving and shifting for so many people I know, including many friends here on TS and in my personal sphere with my daughter and grandson just uprooted and here now. So much shifting and digging and opportunity.
I went right to Peter Gabriel after reading your post Mandi…
“I’m digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt”
Love how you show up for yourself, leading and lighting the way for so many of us.
It is a bit of a whirlwind ATM…which is why your post rang the bells for me!!!
Our transition ‘digs up’ old mother/daughter stuff, has moments of connection and joy, is exhausting, challenging to stay connected with my self and my husband and expands our daily …plus little boy energy and silliness abounds, good for the soul and draining both!! Definitely in flux ATM, definitely past drinking at any of it, but need to stay focused on my self care tools to not take on what is not mine. I am 100% aware of endlessly cleaning and trying to soothe ‘my anxiety’ in my attempt to control my environment…which is such an old well loved pattern by now, kind of like a well worn and comfy old bathrobe.
Have swapped out my 1 cup of caffeinated coffee for more decaf. Self soothing and being present with my discomfort …the journey.
I love how conscientious you are and how careful you are with your self and the changes that you have to make in your move. The book text and the flower illustrates it all beautifully.
Wishing you a good day each day.
And to you, too, @SassyRocks for the changes in your home life.
Ohhhh my friend! Alllll. The. Feelsies!! It is a big change and it’s a lot to take in and process. Your aurhenticuty and willingness on so many levels is truly a gift to witness. Thank you for sharing this! It resonates to my soul. Proud of you on the coffee too! You are amazing and I’m so thankful for you.
Today I went home to pack up my rock shop as the professional photos were finished before my house got officially listed this afternoon.
Upon arriving home, right before the end of my work shift I opened a new tab on my computer and for the first time ever, I noticed toward the bottom there was an entire row of local-ish news. The first article for some reason grabbed my attention so I clicked it. Someone was hit by a truck in a town I’d never heard of in the northern part of the state. As I clicked it and began reading, I apparently said quite loudly, “Awwww fuck man”.
These addictions kill. This was one of my oldest childhood friends. He had gotten into meth previously and quit that on his own. He’d been trying to stay sober from alcohol. He had been successful at times, tried various methods including taking something that made him sick when he drank, but he always went back to it. A few of us had conversations with him about recovery and working a program. He thought he could beat it on his own. He relapsed again in the last few weeks. And last night he purposefully walked out in front of a truck.
These addictions kill. In so many ways. Mind, body and spirit. Without help, it is often too much for us to beat. And tonight I’m mourning the loss of one of my oldest friends because he thought he could do it on his own.
I’ve watched another friend recently relapse too. In the last few weeks she’s been in the hospital twice for extended periods again. She was doing SO good. Now she has “wet brain” and she really struggles to understand or remember much of anything. It doesn’t appear likely she will survive this relapse.
This is really life or death stuff. And I’ve had some stark reminders of this lately. I don’t want the gifts my sobriety is giving me to take me out, so while I’ve been busier than ever in my life, I’ve also been doubling up my meetings. I know if I don’t work my recovery, it stops working. I’ve seen it happen SO many times and I don’t want what happens next when I stop doing the work.
So, on one hand today I am so proud and excited about my home officially being on the market today with a showing scheduled in the first hour of the listing. Yet on the other hand, I’m sad and heartbroken about the loss that comes with these addictions if things don’t change. It’s a very bittersweet day today and I just had to share where I’m at.
Congrats on your listing and first showing!
But I’m so sorry for your loss. This is an insidious disease killing far too many. I often wonder why we’re the lucky ones. That’s why I will never take for granted this amazing gift we’ve been given.
Totally agree! I think it works if we work it, I think it’s some divine intervention but also doing the work that keeps us sober.
And thank you my love! I’ve already got several showings scheduled starting tonight. The photographer took these GORGEOUS sunset pictures last night too. I’m feeling pretty excited today! And sooooo ready for this new chapter with no more split energy between both houses.
Beautiful pics! Including that sunset in your listing will definitely spark more interest.
Praying the right buyer comes along sooner rather than later.
My house has been on the market 5 days and there are several offers being made. I put the intentions to have it under contract in a week and for over asking price and it looks as though that will happen! The final details will be sorted out tomorrow. It’s very exciting! And it’s bringing up a lot of other emotions too.
I’m now one step closer to closing out that chapter of life. It’s been a big and important chapter on my journey too. One of growth. Strength. Resilience. Independence. Finding out what I’m truly capable of. Learning. Growing. Healing. Discovering. Having my dreams literally come true. Accepting help. And now learning how to let go. That house has been my security blanket. But it can also weigh me down and keep me stuck. Like that, “It’s too comfy to get out of bed” kind of feeling. However, it’s summer and it’s too hot for covers so it’s time to kick them off and let the wind move me more freely now. It’s time.
I’m SO grateful for my sobriety as literally NONE of these experiences would have been possible without that. So so so grateful. The gift of my recovery work has brought me so many blessings. More than I ever really dreamed were possible. And yet I’m here in this moment, living this life of endless possibilities.
This is my higher power in action and working through me. I ask for guidance and I take action based on that guidance daily. But I have to keep my higher power and my recovery at the forefront of all I do or the gifts sobriety brings me may take me out.
I’m SO so grateful to have this experience, even when it’s uncomfortable. To be able to continue on the journey of literally living the life of my wildest dreams.
Hi Mandy, it’s so good to see you here doing so well.
I’ve had a tough time staying sober and went to some rollercoasters. But still trying!
Remember your positive posts and how much it meant to me. You are a great inspiration and a blessing to us all. Wish you well!
Oh Anne, it’s SO good to see your name pop on my post-this makes my so heart happy!! Don’t give up my love, you are absolutely worthy of living a sober life! Keep trying. One day at a time is how I got here, I just do whatever I can today to end my day sober today. Life keeps coming but I find I can navigate it better sober and with my program. Keep coming back my love, it’s soooo good to see you!
Since my move to the new space, I’ve noticed I’ve naturally been eating better and I’ve been moving more. My higher power has pointed out that extra space was made for this when I shifted more out of survival mode. I hadn’t realized I was still in that mode because it had felt so much better than my past. But, in reflecting back now, I can see that I absolutely was.
My house went under contract hours after my last post and the entire process has been very smooth. My buyers were cleared to close in just over a week but we are waiting for their current home to finish selling. In just over a week now, I should be closing that chapter of life completely. The final move is set for this weekend and I just intend to go back once on my own to mow the yard one last time and to give my gratitude for my the time I spent there. While I’m ready and have been in my new space a month and a half now, it’s still very bittersweet feeling.
Tonight while I was doing a hip opening yoga session, the instructor warned it may release old stuck emotions in the process. She said it may get emotionally and physically uncomfortable, so I expected both. But, when it did get uncomfortable and I felt the tears beginning to flow…she then asked what we used to do in this discomfort. I didn’t expect that question…Expectations still always throw me off lol. But I realized I always held those emotions in. I’ve masked it. Tried to bury it with drugs & alcohol. I rarely ever let it show. Annnnd then the sobbing started.
Those old stuck emotions and habits run deep. I find it so wonderful that I’m guided EXACTLY where I need to be to keep doing the work. I just need to keep showing up. Keep taking action. Keep connecting and asking for the way forward to be revealed to me. Keep working my recovery to continue to unpeel the layers. As I do this, I make more space as I release the heavy anchors I’ve carried to become more of who I really am in my soul.
It’s not always easy but I’m still sure grateful for this journey. To feel all of these raw ass emotions and to not need nor want to use over them anymore is a true gift. One that I have no doubts a power greater than myself has assisted me very much in. This journey is a process but even within the gentle movements and just showing up for myself, life continues to change for me, one day at a time.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey and your insights. Your posts just ooze with positivity and love. I’m new to sobriety and seeing your posts provide so much hope for the future. Thank you.!
Thanks for the update Mandi!! A big chapter coming to an end. I love working it out on the mat as well. Especially the hip openers in yin. Excited for where your journey takes you. Love you friend!!
Thank you Mandy for keeping us updated. It’s wonderful to read your post. So full of positivity. It opens my heart and my eyes and really empowers me to do the work that’s need to be done. One day at a time!
…plus little boy energy and silliness abounds, good for the soul and draining both!! 
Definitely in flux ATM, definitely past drinking at any of it, but need to stay focused on my self care tools to not take on what is not mine. I am 100% aware of endlessly cleaning and trying to soothe ‘my anxiety’ in my attempt to control my environment…which is such an old well loved pattern by now, kind of like a well worn and comfy old bathrobe. 
