I am only six months in but I feel strained by my marriage! When we met I was an alcoholic single mom of a 4 year old. I was proud of everything except the fact that I was an alcoholic. I owned my own home, had a great job, didn’t “need” someone…. I wanted someone. He is a wonderful man at heart wouldn’t hurt a fly. I would say in the 6 years now that we have been together I was an angry drunk a handful of times, it was my way of discussing topics I did not like the outcome of. I’m REALLY embarrassed by some of this so…. When we met he had (still does) 4 little dogs and one of them does NOT like my son and to this day does not. She has nipped him 3 times which of course made him scared and he never saw a problem with and to this day the house is still broken up so that she can’t “get” to him. He down played it all making me feel like I was overreacting so I would get drunk and go to the next day. This has been an issue since early on. He eventually moved in with us with his dogs and I never asked money from him cause I was used to paying the bills at the house I owned and it wasn’t a big deal. We married in 2019. He didn’t care for the neighborhood I was in and we discussed relocating more towards his family about 25 mins away since I have no family where we live. I told him that if we did that he would have to step up financially since I was on a budget and he agreed. We found a house and it was a lot more than what I was used to but I purchased it (not him) last November. I chose to get sober cause I was tired and I wanted change for me and to make sure I was being the best mom possible! He has stood beside me 100% BUT financially he hasn’t followed through and I have told him I can’t keep doing it alone it’s killing me but it doesn’t seem to phase him I guess because I have always taken care of everything…… I bought and paid for a truck for him, I took the proceeds from the house and paid for dental implants for him (he was born with a cleft) and now I feel like I’m a sinking ship. I am extremely unhappy and he keeps telling me it’s part of my sobriety having all these emotions. I don’t think it is, I am a very strong person and I have guilt from drinking just in the fact that I am an alcoholic whether a high functioning 5th a day or not. I feel like I’m manipulated for being an alcoholic…… I would just like to know if anyone else has been there- I know I’m probably missing info so please ask.
The #1 cause of divorce is a lack of communication. #2 is money problems.
This situation has nothing to do with addiction (other than it’s a threat to your sobriety) and everything to do with communication and finances.
I used to teach stewardship and personal/household finance classes at my church, and counseled individuals, couples, a d pre-marrieds on this.
I would suggest you both take Dave Ramsey’s course. You can do it on-line at home, or better yet, find where a course is being held at a church. This will be a test to see if he can accept there are issues, and show a willingness to change. If he won’t go through the classes, then you will know it’s not going to change.
It doesnt seem like these issues are part of getting of sober. They have been issues for awhile and now you are confronting them instead of hiding in booze. Dont let it effect your sobriety.
First of all, congratulations on your six months! It can’t be easy to stay sober while dealing with… all of that.
From what you’ve written, it seems like your husband has been taking financial advantage of you since the beginning. He talked you into buying a house with more expensive upkeep under the false promise that he’ll step up and help. He didn’t.
His dog nipping your child not once but 3 times… You didn’t overreact, you underreacted imo.
Your feelings right now have nothing to do with recovery. What you’re feeling is valid. I’m infuriated on your behalf and I’m just a stranger on the internet.
I would agree with @Yoda-Stevie about learning to better communicate and handling money issues. This is extremely important in general.
It may be useful for you to write out the things that are a problem, in a list, then expound on each of them as to why they are an issue for you. What were your expectations? How were they not fulfilled? What was your understanding of any agreements? How would you like these things to be resolved? What actions are you genuinely prepared to take if they are not resolved?
Some things may not be able to be “resolved”, but it would be good to expound upon them for a clearer understanding. I would also suggest putting down how you feel about these things and how these emotions affect you. All of this is having better communication with yourself, but also this will be useful in informing your actions, and you will have things to refer to if/when you speak to your husband about this. It will also be useful in preventing yourself from being emotionally manipulated because you will have outlined these things in a more concrete way.
It is hard to give very specific advice when not having a complete understanding of a situation, so these are my best suggestions. It is possible that without having a numbing filter of alcohol applied to your thoughts and emotions, you are better able to understand your situation and how you feel about it more, which may be, to him, why it seems like your feelings are coming from your sobriety journey. In that way, it would be kind of true, because when we get clean / sober, we often are able to get a clearer understanding of the position we are in.
If you are able/willing, it may be useful to find a psychologist (not psychiatrist) that you like, and can trust, to help you gain more insight into your emotions. I hope you are able to work through this in a productive and satisfying way. These kinds of things can be very difficult and I wish you the best.
Lastly, great work on your sobriety!
Gold here. Every disappointment begins with a poorly defined or badly managed expectation.
To save the relationship, re-level and set the expectations, to include what happens if they are not met. Once agreed to, both need to ensure they are held to.
I love what everyone here has said; on the dog front - I say this as a loving 3-dog mom - the dog who has bitten your son is a problem. You may want to consider asking your husband to pay for behavioral training, or if that’s not an option - then seeking to rehome the aggressive dog. Small aggression from a dog that is unchecked can lead to big problems, and your son is not at fault. Your initial gut instinct that it is wrong is spot on; you’ve got this!!
Thank you everybody!!! I think my biggest struggle is that my feelings don’t get validated they get pushed under the rug or turned around on me which in turn I would drink more heavily cause I don’t like confrontation. Little things don’t bother me like some BUT what feels big to me doesn’t ever get resolution unless I take care of it myself - like I said I’m strong maybe to strong. I know what it takes for me and my son and I did it!!! I did it on my own no family no child support I DID IT. Then I let someone in and trusted that they had our best interest at heart and now that I’m sober and broke I realize not everyone wants better and some are okay with “surviving”. I am by no means perfect like I said before we all have flaws but if the basis / expectation isn’t met does that make me a bad person. I married him as an alcoholic and that is where all my guilt is coming from and I know that…. I drank everything away once I felt I was just being ignored, almost like “well she’s a drunk so none of what she says matters” even if I spoke when not drinking-
I did ask him to get her trained 4 years ago when it was a strong issue and he never did. He has told my son now 11 that he needs to stand up to her and not be afraid-
I can really relate to this. It has been a problem for me in my own marriage as well. It’s sad to realize that someone you love really isn’t there for you in ways you wish he were. I’m so sorry you are going through this. And I’m so glad you found the strength to get sober.
Someone once said that getting sober is just the beginning. Then we deal with all the stuff we’ve been avoiding by drinking. Never truer words! Wishing you well on this journey.
Let me pose this question to you. It’s not something you need to answer to me, but more for you to think about yourself.
In what way do you need your husband to behave or respond that would give you the impression your feelings have been “validated”?
The reason why this question is so important is because we all understand the world in different ways. We take in information and put it out based on our personalities, our understandings of the world, our past, etc. Being able to concretely outline this for yourself is primarily important. Secondarily would be to talk with your husband to see if he is aware of your needs; and, furthermore, if he thinks he is capable of giving you what you need.
It can be easy for us to say, “Well they should know,” or “Oh no, they know,” but it is not uncommon for those things to be utterly untrue. Even when we think that we have explained something clearly, that does not mean that the other person received the message we intended to send. I hope this makes sense.
Your husband and you both may speak English, but you both have your own “emotional dialects”. This is the case with all people. When something is very important to me of which I’m discussing with another person, I ask them if they could tell me what they understand about what I said. This gives them the chance to give it back to you in their words and gives you the opportunity to see if they received the message you intended to send.
“Bad” and “good” are very subjective. What do those things mean anyway? They definitely do not mean the same thing to everyone. I find them to be vague moral declarations that are often unhelpful. I don’t think any of these things would mean you or he are “bad” people. It seems to me that there is a high likelihood that you both have views on life that might be at odds, and you both have expectations and desires in life and relationships for which are now showing themselves to not line up.
You can’t change the past. Guilt is only useful in helping us create a different future. It is like the sting we feel when we get a cut. Our body is letting us know something is wrong so we can attend to it. You made mistakes in the past for which you feel the consequences today. That is an objective fact without any moral judgements attached. The great thing is that you also have the power to learn from past decisions to make wiser ones today, for which you can create a different future.
If you really think about it, this is extremely empowering.
I personally find it most useful to set aside moral judgements and look at things from a “cause and effect” perspective. If you don’t tie your shoes, you are likely to trip and fall. It simply is. It doesn’t mean the person who didn’t tie their shoes is a “bad” person. There is ultimately things in this world that are definitively “good” and “bad”, but many of the things people put those labels to are not so.
None of this is to say that you should ignore your feelings or that they aren’t “valid”. It’s very good to recognize them and give space for them, but it is important to be able to separate objective truth from our feelings about it. This is not necessarily an easy thing, which is where a trained professional that you like and trust would probably be very helpful to you. It does seem like there are some major unresolved emotional points of pain that probably go deeper than the things you are telling us now. You may not even know how deep they go, which is quite common. It really is hard when we feel unimportant, unheard, and maybe even somewhat used by someone we love. No matter how valid your emotions are, sometimes they aren’t very useful when it comes to taking practical action.
I hope all of that made sense and didn’t come off as dry or uncaring, which is never my intention, but my writing style can sometimes “come off” in unintended ways (again, we can never really know how people perceive what we say, when it is seen through another person’s emotional filter, and text is the worst of all). I really wish you the best in all of this, and welcome to the community. I hope you’ll be able to find this forum useful to you as you move forward into the future.
Haha get out of my head!!! lol I’m not a nagger if I have asked twice then I tend to not say anything more about it and just find the best solution I can. Now I’m scared that he’s going to be very disappointed with the sober me cause what I see and now take in and think about I’m not happy with and say wtf to myself often. I’m 47 and slightly old fashion in the sense as the woman I do the cooking, cleaning, ect. But I am also the bread winner and problem solver, I’m starting to see it as if I want help I have to be ugly and I won’t make it being ugly…. Stupid simple example: moved into the house last November the only chore I wanted help with was taking the trash can down Thursday nights for Friday morning pick up, that’s STILL hit or miss and some Friday mornings I’m running like hell down our drive with the can and in my mind I think you literally have 2 things to do - go to work and take the trash down and that’s a challenge HOW???
Wait… you pay for everything and do the vast majority of the chores? How does he contribute to your household?
Typing it out makes me feel even dumber…. He takes care of his dogs, burns the paper trash, keeps up my son’s dirt bike-go kart- will throw a load in if I get behind and wants something. He changes his own oil in his truck and work car (both of them I tech own and he’s never made a payment on) if we have a family BBQ he sets up tent and tables. Man I’m really having to dig which makes me feel like maybe I don’t notice stuff…. He fills the bird feeders when I ask him to and if I can’t get to the mowing he will do it (couple times a year) 
he really did a solid job on getting the other house moved!!!
You are not to be ignored!! You got this - it’s your house, and you are a strong ass woman. Own your strength and power!! No one can diminish you if you don’t let them.
Do you feel that he is doing his share? Is this a 50:50 break down of the chores and running of the household? It’s he contributing enough to make up for any financial extra that you are putting in?
Sorry to read about your situation, that was me for 13 years. I payed for everything, kept the household going, took care of my and my ex’s business finances, owned all cars and he would move a finger inside the house every blue moon after I told him 20 times to do so.
I was fed up with his lovelessness, ignorance and drinking. I left him 1,5 years ago. Be honest to yourself. A man not contributing to mutual life is no long term perspective.
Concerning the dog: Your child deserves to live a safe and secure life. In my opinion this dog is out yesterday. This is a dangerous situation, especially for a child.
Sending you hugs 
I guess I need to hear what people consider contributing…… maybe I don’t understand what 50:50 is I am ex military and I know in my brain, if it needs to be done you do it and I do. I guess now that I’m sober I see it all differently now in hey let’s make sure we are moving forward and not just existing. Another example would be I told him a month ago the wax seal in my sons bathroom was gonna need replacing… I’m letting it ride till January then I’ll just do it cause I’m not begging for help and that’s what it feels like -
That’s all he wants to do is “love” me!!! It’s all about love touch with him and it’s supposed to be the fix all but I wanted a partner and I know he’s going to blame my sobriety as to the way I am feeling.
well, if you want a partner I would suggest to find someone who matches better with your needs and takes responsibility. A relationship is not only love, it requires work and communication.