It’s 3 a.m. here… My spouse uses, I’m sober… Anyways I’m tired of feeling alone… I feel like I’m to boring for him. I’m not “meth friendly”. Or I.don’t know what it is . I feel like he’s not in love with me anymore… I come home from work, he leaves… if not, he’ll go in other room, or argue , if not, he goes asleep… ,
I love him I.do but I keep waiting for change…
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Hopefully he does work and pay his way? If so, you need to talk because you’re living separate lives and this situation won’t get better without someone breaking the routine.
If he doesn’t work and pay his way you’re in a whole different situation. He’s a cuckoo in the nest and he’s wittingly (possibly unwittingly) using you and needs to be read the riot act as soon as possible, regardless of your feelings about him.
Either way, it can be fixed! You have to be strong and be prepared for resistance, but you have a lot of people here on the forum behind you for support @MillieJade.
Well with any addiction you will put it ahead of any loved ones. As an addict in addiction you never notice it as the drug is the new love. When i was a user i didnt care about anything or even myself. If you dont love yourself first then it is hard to love someone else. This lifestyle change between you two is hard to make work. Its like a 41 sucessful person dating a partying , clubbin 21 yr old. They are so tied up in the party to notice you. Communication and telling how you feel and the change they make will show if its worth the stay or not… actions speak louder then words… i hope for the best…
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I thought my getting sober would make my marriage all better. I was wrong. It’s still all the same crap, I’m just now not blurring it with alcohol. He doesn’t use or anything…he does drink but much less now that I’m not drinking. So that isn’t our problem. He just has other priorities over our family…work. He works ALL THE TIME but then is grumpy if when he IS home we’re not all “Yay, Daddy’s home. We’re so lucky. Lets all be a wonderful happy family now.” Instead we’ve all learned how to get by without him…whether he is there or not.
I have no advice because I still don’t know what I’m going to do about it but I just want you to know that you are not alone with these feelings.
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Have you talked to him to determine why he feels the need to work all the time? Is it he wants his family to be free from financial pressures? Is he worried that if something were to happen to him, he wants to make sure his wife and kids are financially taken care of? Is he trying to make you all debt-free?
If this is the case, I can understand why he’s grumpy if his family isn’t happy to have him home when he can break away. Men crave respect.
Of course, if work is his escape from home life, this is a real but correctable issue.
We are debt-free…mortgage paid off, 2 cars, plenty saved for education and retirement. It is just his mentality of save save save. Yes, he has financial stress but it is all of his own making. In some ways I think he is afraid to say “no” at work because he doesn’t want to lose his job and no longer be able to keep us in our current lifestyle. But I know that they LOVE him at work. They are not going to fire him for working less than 10 hours every day. If anything everytime he gives more they think “hey, he’s our go-to guy” and they keep adding on.
I am working up the courage to discuss this all with him but he does not handle criticism well at all. Of course I’m not criticizing him for this, I know he works hard to “provide” for us, but he will react to this as if it were criticism. I need to figure out how to bring up the topic in a way that he won’t get on the defensive and angry. I have yet to figure out how to have ANY conversation with him where he doesn’t get defensive and angry.
Very wise. It seems that much of his self-esteem is tied to his ability to provide a high standard of living for his family, as well as his ability to solve problems at work. This is laudable and worthy of respect. However, his self-esteem appears fragile and he needs constant approval.
I think you know the truth in that saying “a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down”…
Or, you could approach this strategically. Give him the praise and respect he seeks at home…and make him crave it more. This isn’t disingenuous. You nailed what motivates him, and what he fears.
My bride does this. She lets me know how much she respects my choosing sobriety. Makes me want to stay sober even more. Makes me want to do laundry, and dishes, and help my daughter with her homework. Makes me want to give them the best life I can.
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You are BRILLIANT!!
Yes. That is exactly him though I’ve never been able to put it together so concisely. He is a provider. He is a problem solver. He deep down has low self esteem!!
I will always say he is a good person, and he does care about us very much. He just gets so wrapped up in his own perceived duties that he ends up neglecting us.
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Hi Sue. Could you come to a compromise were he does say 2/3 days of over time a week and spend rhe other days doing family bonding stuff. Like nice long walks. Bike rides. Swimming. Etc.
Recognize that in his mind, he’s not neglecting you, he’s loving you. If you were a family of cavepeople, his ability and desire to keep his mate and his kids in a nice warm, dry, cave, and keep you all in mammoth hides and meat would make him quite the caveman catch.
If you’d like, I can send you some resources to help you understand male wiring better. The schematic is different. Not better. It’s different. Wonderfully different. When our mates fight against this, it is counter-productive. When our mates recognize this, and use this, the result is a beautiful synergy of Female/Male genius. The same rule applies when men assume that women are wired just like they are. One of our favs is “His Needs/Her Needs”. If you’d like more, just PM me.
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Only he can change. You can’t change him. You can only change yourself.
Don’t be “meth friendly” @MillieJade . Don’t tolerate it at all. You know that substance abuse is detrimental to you, and your marriage. You’ve sought sobriety. You are doing your part. Love is action, not feeling.
My wife had every right to tell me that my drinking was detrimental to our marriage, and to my family. She has every right to certain expectations, and if my drinking was diminishing my ability to meet those expectations, then it is my responsibility to change, to “square myself away”.
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