After several years of Sobriety I am re-thinking my marriage. Im just not the man my wife married anymore. My feelings have changed. Anyone else feel this way??
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So you got sober and do not love her anymore? Usually there is a lot more to situations like thisā¦
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Welcome. Is your wife not a drinker? Being the drinking partner in a relationship means there is a certain dynamic. Often something along the lines of the drinker is āweaker,ā or āless trustworthyā etc. Then when the drinker stops drinking that dynamic changes and there has to be readjustment. I agree that there is often more than just the drinking. I also have had this experience.
If both partners were drinking when they got married and one half stops then that is another change in dynamic requiring a different kind of adjustment.
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Is there any possibility that you could talk to her? Did she know about your drinking? How you became sober?
I never was married to my ex, but feelings definately changed when I got sober.
I changed, she didnāt.
But our relationship had never been really healthy in the first place. And that was mainly on me, not on her.
I do not regret we seperated, but I do regret not offering her more help to change with me.
When one gets sober, there is a huge change. And without intensive talking about it, it leaves the other kind of in the dark about whatās going on.
In my experience in retrospective, it is not the feelings towards a partner that really change. Itās your understanding of the dynamics that change.
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As someone who has never married and never will marry it seems too frequently that the words "for richer for poorer, in sickness in health etc etc etc " are supposed to mean getting over and past anything that the future brings up, and remaining together as a teamā¦ But then a few years down the line all that seems forgotten about.
I have never understood why someone would be voluntarily choose to make a vow, but then just break it? Unless the other person is being literally physically or mentally abusive. Isnāt overcoming problems and life, as a team, what marriage is supposed to be? Itās not supposed to be an easy ride where everything is rainbows and easy happiness. If thatās what youāre looking for, donāt get married.
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Hi, how have your feelings changed? Need more info.
Wish you well!
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Hi Badger
It is amazing that anyone gets married anymore in todayās world and with all the marriages that have ended. I think it is a sign of hope that people get married. They want to be true to their word. They want to find happiness.
Divorce is super complicated and difficult, it is much more than people ābreaking their vowsā.
And marriage itself is a changing institution. When our life expectancy was much shorter and our physical economic survival depended upon it and women and men had very strictly defined social roles, it was pretty ānormalā to stay married.
But life is long now. People change. Their work and personal life including drinking changes and evolves. Men and women have many possible roles they can fill at home, at work, and on their own. Child -rearing is much more complicated than it was just a generation ago due to technology, and the world as a whole is a rapidly shifting environment. And many many people are not equipped or skilled enough to be able to counsel themselves as a couple through all that. And by the time it is super obvious there is a problem, it may be too late to repair.
Why do people keep getting married? For love and the aspirations of a happy family. I hope that continues and I also hope people can be kind and help each other through all the changes and challenges that life brings.
And yes, I am happily married. I am also happily divorced from my first husband. And we are happily able to be kind and loving for our grown children. It took a lot of work and it was painful, but we are also better for making the changes that we did.
I wish you the best and hope you have peace and love in your home and in your life.
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Yes. But if people just grow apart, thereās not always something to overcome.
That vow is meant to not give up too easily. Not to make each other miserable for eternity just because you said somethingā¦
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I honestly believe that if a marriage is being entered with this opinion, then just donāt say it and donāt do itā¦ Cause you never know, the second half of the couple might just believe you when you say
āUntil death do us partā. ā¦ Etc etc
How about ā¦ āuntil we grow apartā
or
āUntil circumstances changeā
or
āUntil I change my mindā etc.
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Hi there. I know I have gone back and forth on my marriage a few times since getting sober.
First I was realizing that I was using alcohol to ādealā with anger and frustration towards my headband. I thought, I made a mistake marrying him, maybe itās not too late for us to find real happiness.
But then I realized I was putting too much expectation on him to make me happy. I always was looking for someone else to fill in the holes of my insecurities. That was not fair of me to put that all on him.
But NOW Iām learning how to take responsibility of my own happiness and I see my husband more of a partner and companion on our journey through life. Sometimes I think he has unfair expectations on me to be something Iām not but Iām also learning that I canāt judge him for those expectations when I did the same. I just keep doing what I need to do and set my boundaries.
Ultimately, things are better now than ever before. Iām learning that Iām responsible for my happiness and heās learning that Iām not responsible for his. Things arenāt perfect but they are getting better.
And this is only happening because I am now sober!! If I were still drinking Iād probably still hate him for all the ābadā in my life.
I guess my point is to give it time. Even though you are a few years sober you are still like changing and growing and your wife needs to time to absorb those changes and catch up. Maybe some more time is needed before making big decisions.
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My vow would be less church dominated and more on my partnerās happiness.
My vow would simply be Iād do all I can to make my partner happy, even if it means getting out of the picture to prevent making him or her unhappy.
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I think for a lot of people the words are part of a ceremony, with divorce rates being what they are, most people know it might not work out.
Anyway, I am married, but made no such vows. Just stamped a paper.