I’ve been struggling with porn addiction and masturbation for over 20 years. I’ve had relapse after relapse. I’ve lied to my wife straight to her face about it so many times I can’t even count. This last disclosure was the worst. It took trickle truth after trickle truth to finally get everything out, but it was too late. She doesn’t believe me and thinks I’m still hiding things. I don’t blame her.
Before I get to my issue, I’d like to address my background (which I believe so many others can relate…). For years, I would redefine my addiction, rationalize and minimize, change what a “relapse” really was to me. Hardcore porn was a no-no. So softcore was ok. Softcore became a problem, so I would use Facebook and Instagram. So on and so on. I would set a “code,” then break it by bending the rules.
Here we are today. About 3 years ago, I set a rule that I won’t masturbate. Masturbation included ejaculation, so I would play with myself right to the edge of orgasm and stop. I was so novel! I thought I had invented something new, but also something so weird. It was a hard line that I couldn’t “gray area” my way out. It was black and white. Two weeks ago I found out that this was a fairly common technique called “edging.” I literally thought I was the only one in the world doing this. I was surprised, somewhat relieved, that I wasn’t alone.
I’ve been “edging” for nearly 3 years. I would do it nearly everyday when I was alone. My wife works in a school setting, so I would go summers and weekends and holidays without doing it. We would also have sex “regularly,” at least what I would consider regular for 40+ year olds with teenage kids.
In those 3 years (minus the off periods mentioned above), I had ONE time where I couldn’t control it. I tried to stop, but it was too late. Semen came out. Funny, but not funny, I did’t even “get my money’s worth” as it wasn’t even a full release. I broke my code. I was ashamed.
My issue now is trust with my wife. She is convinced that there is no possible way that I can go essentially 3 years “edging” and only have one accident; one incident where I took it too far. She told her friends, therapist, and family about this and they all agree that it’s “hard to believe” that I only broke my code once. We are at a stand still.
I know what’s true. I’m hoping somebody has a similar story. I’m looking for validation. Not for my wife, but for me. I’m not crazy and I’m not some dude with a “super power.” I’m just a man with an addiction that wants to get better…