Material girl, in a material world

[mxelle]

i realized today, that by quitting weed, i’d have to confront my issues. @Marit encouraged me to share what is on my mind, which was appreciated, i feel seen when someone reminds me my mind is fabulous.

I thought about it, and, it’s not that deep. sure, the issues I have are probably linked to trauma, etc, but in a way, they also are not and I will never discuss my trauma here, or my private life, but what I can discuss are the workings of my mind, my heart, and my difficulties as they relate to addiction.

my main issue is that I have a hard time existing in the material world. and i’m not joking here, i’m deadass. i struggle with adulting in a material sense, which means taking my gifts and either monetizing them, creating a functional business, being confident, selling myself, marketing my services, etc. but then also, hold down a ‘‘normal’’ job. there is a part of me that wants to burn it all down, the world, because the systems are shitty, harmful. this part of me is the part that uses. I can’t accept the conditions of having to exist in a capitalist hellscape. I wont reveal what I do either, because I feel protective about it, not ready?, and I have no access to the lounge, so, surface I stay.

but the crux is this, and I need to talk about it. i use to exist in a dream like state of minimizing my capacity, and keeping myself small, angry, immature to some extent, irresponsible to some other extent, although I have to give myself credit on what I do accomplish. I’m always creating and accomplishing. lazy is not me, oh no sir-ee.

i lack confidence to exist materialistically. Does this make sense? I mean I know it does, but if this not understood, I can try to explain it better because, I know this is a root of my addiction.

I’m alice, and i want to stay in wonderland type of deal.

[mxelle]

• I love adam sandler
• I don’t know adam sandler
• I can’t stand adam sandler
• I wish I never heard of adam sandler
• i loved him, but now i’m disappointed in adam sandler

[MTSober]

@mxelle

, I can try to explain it better

You know me.

I like explanations.

Im here.

[mxelle]

Ask a question, i don’t know what direction to take beyond what I wrote tonight.

But I very much like your presence. It has a … je ne sais quoi type of reassurance to it.

[MTSober]

(Damn, i wrote a lot, with nothing but rambles and 0 questions.)

..

As ive read what you wrote 3 times.
There is a lot that I understand.

As I, have ever searched in the spirit realm for better or worse, to try and understand what im living in. From this to that, to black magic to of course, Jesus.

The world is dead, indeed.

The common idea between you and I and everyone regardless of faith, athiest, buddhist, whatever… is.. purpose.

Our reasoning here on Earth. (Sorry if like an Athiest doesn’t believe in individual purpose.)

Beyond all the chains.
Drugs, Drinking, Porn, Sex, even body image and over indulgence.
Then you take vanity.
Cars, clothes, designer, idolatry of " hollywood stars" and sports teams.

Yes, its all meaningless.
I struggle with that so much. (As the journey continues more things just become meaningless)

Then of course… the demons that run the political world, and Hollywood (Lets just leave this here.)

We may, well, I have felt that a war is beckoning. A revolution, as you say, burn it all down.

With Rage against the Machine and Rammstein playing.

Oh, man i thought about.

But,

It kept me feeling hopeless, angry, bitter, it kept me drinking. It kept me from sobriety too.

Being spiritually dead and a drunk.

I know how it feels. Feeling like you want to avenge the world but feeling powerless.

You’re sitting in a whole room on TS of men and women who probably feel the same.

We probably all want change in the world.
But, we are doing our best, staying sober, helong the next person over and loving those who got love for us. This and that.

Fuck.
Even Sobriety was dead to me since like after my first 10 months till like 9 months ago.

Just felt extremely dead.

Then I had to give more up.

Anyways, Mel. I understand what you wrote.
I sincerely do, sobriety is what it is.

But, when you go and change the world, Mel, you got to do it sober.

Its there, its that diamond you can take within yourself, and you can go and fight for what you believe in.

You are powerful, Mel.

And, if you decide one day, you want to put Jesus first in your heart. He will lead you.

But, you just have to get sober.

I know, Mel. I know its scary, i know its pain, then your past. I see in it in you eyes. i feel you.

But continue to just think about today.

Just today. All else will sort itself. Trust in that.

I know, Mel..

This world is fucked. Why do you think i love Montana so much? And, am learning how do so much other survival stuff.

All i know, in my heart today, is this..

Jesus saved me.

What you want to do with Jesus is up to you.

All im saying is you are strong, who gives a fuck about material for now, but get sober and your strength & purpose will reveal itself to you.

The blocks you keep going too, will only destroy your souls purpose.

[mxelle]

You do!! Amazing. You dress like him too?

[MTSober]

And, Mel, I appreciate you.

As always, non but love.

[mxelle]

I feel like i’m breaking down like a piece of shit car…

Day 14.

[JonasE]

Seems about right.

Also Day 14 here.

Like all lamps are on, you try to keep it together and then there is a new lamp you didn’t even know you had.

Also the lamp is yelling at you. Loudly.

Maybe this car can still be made into like a scrap statue or something.

[mxelle]

Lamp is a good metaphor. Actually excellent
Light. Indication, inner knowing.

Thank you so much for this