I went to a meeting today. I’ve been before but everytime I go I start to tell myself “maybe since I didn’t do it everyday I’m not that bad and maybe I’m not an addict”? I am an addict. I’ve overdosed on cocaine 3 times and overdosed on xanax once while trying to calm my heart shattering cocaine/molly come-down. I can go a week or two without drinking and using. Then, I start to tell myself “maybe I can have a few drinks with friends and go home”. No. Never. I will binge and find blow. Every. Damn. Time. I have been like this for years. I want these meetings to work because I have no where else to turn. I’m just scared that since I’m not very spiritual or an everyday user that it won’t work for me?
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Thank you. I needed to hear it. Everyone keeps tellimg me that I’ll never get better until I lose everything. I don’t want to get to that point. I’m close. But… Hanging on by a thread. Thank you. I’m going again in the morning!
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Having placed myself on a different level at ever meeting I’ve ever gone to I realize now it’s about reaching out. You don’t gotta believe everything everyone is saying but realizing that you are there to better yourself is the only truth you need to find support. Most everyone in there probably feels the same way the only difference is they are allowing the meeting to work for them. I noticed some things about the kind of people that caught my eye in meetings, sometimes you come across people who might not necessarily be in the right intention when it comes to support. They kinda just go about things in a way to make themselves look good and it felt like they were doing things just to show up for everyone else. I read into shit like that and I get turned off to the notion that people actually do care about one another and that’s the blind eye that forced me back into relapse. Learning to trust people is huge in recovery and huge for my life. It’s something I’m working on.
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as @Forged mentioned 1. nobody has to lose/give up everything to get better 2. it will work if you work it.
i like the saying “your bottom is when you decide to stop digging”. cause really anyone in recovery could hit another bottom - dying. so regardless of how often or heavily you used/drank YOU decide when you’ve hit your bottom, YOU decide when you’ve had enough.
i had the “i’m not as bad as that guy” mentality keeping me in active addiction for a long time, and i’d encourage you to try and look for what you have in common w others at meetings and focus less on different using patterns. you don’t have to use the same amount or as frequently as another to share the experience and struggles of addiction. it helped me a great deal when i started looking for what i had in common w others/what i found relatable at meetings as i was then more able to come to believe successful recovery was a possibility so long as i stayed open minded, sought help, and put the work in.
don’t let the addict brain lead you away from recovery cause you’re “not as bad” as someone else. everyone in recovery have more similarities than differences. 
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Thanks for posting this and speaking power to truth. In my mind my addiction is unique from “them” and I never share or discuss it. My dealer describes me as a functional addict because I still portray being part of the “norm” but my truth is regardless if I live in a mansion or a trailer park, or even on the streets, I’m an addict. I’ve learned a couple of things. First my addiction is my addiction and it is unique to me. Second, there is no level of addiction, my addiction is not better or worse than the next person. I never judge people but now when I see another addict I don’t think “I’m not as bad as them” just because I have a home, work, etc. I now know that each journey to recovery is different for everybody. Some of the stories are the same but each experience is different. Again thanks for sharing this, its hilarious that the one person I do open up to and discuss these things on a deep level is my dealer. Good luck and find whatever method works for you, there is no right or wrong way, there is only a way…#wayforward…#waythrough
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Your bottom is when you decide to stip digging.that phrase will stay with me forever thank you😆
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Thank you all for your responses. I hope that I didn’t come off as judgemental. I was more trying to say how my addiction affects my thoughts and my mind starts to lie to me. I really needed this encouragement! It’s a beautiful thing when people come together 
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I’ve got a buddy in the rooms that always says “you don’t gotta run with everybody in here, but you gotta run with somebody”. That hit home for me cuz I’m just not the type that is gonna be part of that big “click”. You know, the group of 20 that goes to the diner after the meeting.
What I do have is a few people that I am close with. People that I know I can count on and they know they can count on me. People that I gravitated to in my early sobriety. People that helped me. And of course, my sponser. I can call any one of them and they will pick up. That’s my fellowship:)
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