I wonder, does the Universe fight for certain souls to find one another? Like maybe the Universe places people in your life just to take them away, just to teach you things that the beauty cannot. Does it fight for the heartbreaks, for the missed opportunities, for the bad timing? Perhaps it knows in an offhand way, that those moments show you your own strength in ways that hope cannot. But then I think, what could be better than love? Maybe it’s distance that makes you realize its worth. Maybe there’s a hidden message there, something for us to learn. I wonder if in another universe, our story’s different. Maybe there we’re holding hands like it’s the easiest thing in the world and laughter’s spilling out of us, making everything brighter. Our love doesn’t hurt there, it feels right, like we’re meant to be…
I can’t say I’m not doing ok, because I am. Things have been completely and entirely different without you though. I’ve learned who Sarahya is. I’ve found that I like her when she’s sober. I’ve done some healing from whatever it was that happened between us. I still have much more healing to do though, I guess we really did a number on each other. Only I made it out and you, didn’t… Yet still, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if you were still the one holding me. What would it be like to feel your fingers interlocked with mine again. If I could have one wish, it would be to sit at banks lake on the beach with you and talk about the dreams we had for our future like we use to do. We loved it there, didn’t we… I haven’t been able to go back since you died. Steamboat rock weeps to deeply over your loss…
It would have been nice, just for us to have worked out here and now, you know? Without all of the baggage. Without family being a source of trauma. Without having to go through hell and back to learn a thing or two about life. I guess life had other plans though.
Still, In another time and in a happier place, I believe we’ll meet again. I believe we always have. Maybe next time we’ll finally get it right and we’ll find that place where you and I can be together. We’ll be slightly different and our minds less hectic. I’ll be right for you and you’ll be right for me. I’m sorry this lifetime I ended up being chaos to your thoughts and you were poison to my heart. I hope you’re well. I hope you’re happy, really happy, and I hope that some day, one day, we find each other again. I hope we’re laughing-sharing memories about that one time we almost made it but ended up breaking each other’s hearts instead. I don’t know if that’s how it works but I do know i’ve felt you more than one life should allow. So, I smile one last time at our memories and believe we’ll meet again. Until then, I’ll be missing you wild boy.
(For my husband Daniel my husband, who never did make it to the rooms of recovery. 05/03/86-08/30/22 Fentanyl overdose)
(pictures below of banks lake. We were married there and went every summer with family and friends.)
