McCloud's accountability and story thread

Life in Recovery
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Hey everyone. I’ve been wanting to make my own thread for a while where I can post updates on how I’m doing and moving forward. There are some things I wanted a little support for. I also kind of wanted to share my story I guess. Anyway, I thought it would help if I could write out what I’m feeling, what I’m nervous about and why I was drinking.

Anyway, I’ve been drinking for about 13 years. Problem drinking for about 10. When my father died 10 years ago is when I let it get out of control. Then my mother died about 4 years ago and I just shut off and spiraled. I’m at the point now where I’m serious about quitting and have done some damage to my body. Hopefully nothing I can’t recover from. But anyway. I inherited my parents house, but alcohol was in control of me. I couldn’t keep it up, often couldn’t keep the utilities on, was always either too drunk or too sick recovering from a binge to clean or care about cleaning it. Had a few moments of clarity now and then, got jobs, worked for weeks/ a couple months here and there, started drinking again and quit going to work. That’s been going on for a few years now so the house is in absolute destroyed state. Full of garbage, humidity affecting the flooring, ceiling tiles falling down… I lived in it like that for a couple years. Reunited with an old friend who’s been helping me to stay sober, I’ve been staying with him while I get ready to sell the house so I can move and go back to school. But first I need to clear out the house. My neighbors have given me hell about taking care of the yard, I constantly get asked by strangers what I’m going to do with it (small town, people I’ve never even met somehow know me)… But I was drinking so much to hide the house from myself. I couldn’t live there sober, I had to be drunk. It brings back bad memories, it’s overwhelming. Anyway, I’m starting this week seriously working on cleaning it out. I’ll have some help from my friend. But even going to that house scares me now. I’m not sure why, but today I’m getting ready to go do several hours of work and I’m shaking just like I do when I’m coming off of booze.

I know that once I get started and make some headway I’ll feel better and I won’t be so scared to work on it. It’s just the starting that has me so nervous I feel nauseous and shaky and like I want a drink to close off the emotions. I won’t be drinking. And once I’m done it will be my main trigger and a huge weight gone. I can probably have it done by the end of the month, I just need to start and it’s scaring the shit out of me.

So, I wanted to make this thread to keep myself accountable by posting updates. Maybe get some positive feedback or supporting words so I won’t feel so anxious. It probably sounds like a trivial problem, so I’ve hesitated making this post, but I thought it would help me so… here it is. This is day 17 since my last drink but day 1 of tackling my drunken mess and regret.

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Thank you for sharing your story and congratulations on the 17 days and for tackling something that is holding you back. I still can’t drive past my old house from years ago because of the bad memories associated with the move, and prior to that I liked the house. This must feel so much worse. Moving in itself is draining and exhausting so great idea to start a thread. Keep checking back in. I look forward to reading about your progress!

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Not trivial at all. This is big and I commend you for tackling it. Takes guts and it’s only logical it gives you stress and anxiety. Good plan of sharing about it here friend. Troubles shared is only half the troubles or something like that right? Will follow your story.

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I wouldn’t call that trivial. It’s been hanging over you for so long and those sorts of situations can start to feel like black holes. I’m grateful you posted because I know for a fact people will be able to relate to you and your situation. I’m glad you have a plan to start and a timeline to finish and I hope it goes well. You’re right, as soon as you get in there and just get over that barrier you’ve had of getting the work going you will probably feel much better.

The way I relate to this is the debt I wracked up and the student loans I went into default on while I was binge drinking. I drank to avoid problems (usually perceived problems and my anxiety and shame around them) and even developed some mild agoraphobia at one time, only going out to get booze. As soon as I started my recovery journey I started taking care of financial burdens and other things as well. It was a huge weight lifted off. I still fell back into drinking a few times but it was easier to get back on my sober path without that weight. I wish you the best and look forward to hearing how it goes! You CAN do this!!!

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Thank you so much for your story. Im on day 7 and I totally get how overwhelmed you feel. I also have a huge list of very important things that have been stacking up because of my anxiety, which triggers me to drink, which triggers the anxiety. So I ride this loop out which always ends badly.
Im working to change this and so far at day 7, Im still sober. Yay!

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Well, I didn’t update or check in at all. But I’ve been well. And I did get as much of the house done as I could and it is now sold. So, I’m taking care of the stuff I need to, to get my drivers license back (will be done in a month) and will be looking for jobs soon. Moving out of my friends place to my own place hopefully this week.

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Congratulations on taking charge and rebuilt your life! That’s a huge step. Just remember you are stronger than your addiction and we’ll be always here to support you and be with you every step of the way. Very proud of you :heart:

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