So, from the second I decided to change my life for the better and become sober, I immediately wanted a glass of wine. Wine, Cabernet specifically, is/was above and beyond my #1 choice of drink. I have a deep, deep love for wine, always have ever since my mom let me have a glass at 16. Although, I didn’t start drinking until I was 18, the very first drink I picked up was a glass of wine. The first time I got drunk was because of wine. The first time I got sick was because of wine. The first time I blacked out was because of shots of Southern Comfort but that’s another story, haha.
But as I sit here and think about the wonderful feeling I got from that first sip, I also think of the events following that occurred 99.99% of time I drank wine. I would start out with just one glass, then two, then three and by the time before I even knew what was going on, I would drink 3, 4 bottles within a couple hours. I found myself getting extremely jealous if I had to share, thinking that they were going to drink all of it and there wasn’t going to be any left for me (after I had already had a few glasses). When I would go to the liquor store, I would buy 3 of the large bottles at a time (where it’s pretty much two bottles of wine in one giant bottle). When I would have parties, I would hide my wine so that no one else could have any. But, wine has betrayed me severely. 90% of my arguments with people, mental breakdowns, actions of self harm, threats of suicide, etc. have been all because of wine.
There is no, “I’ll just have one glass of wine”, there’s no “I’ll just have one bottle of wine” even. And because I haven’t found a non-alcoholic replacement for wine, like I have with the other drinks I liked, it’s definitely a struggle to deal with wine cravings. Yes, I will miss my mimosas, my gin n tonics, Moscow mules, baby beers (which taste like ice cream!), sambuca shots, and my adult chocolate milk (Russian Quaaludes) but I will miss nothing the way I will miss wine. But I am determined to stay sober and to not let wine or alcohol in general control my life, I refuse. I am stronger than that, I know I am.
