This morning while driving to work I was hit by a strange memory from my youth. It wasn’t anything major or life changing but something that had happened when I was 12 that added to my “not good enough” feeling as a kid. There I was, in my car, crying.
It just really hit me how much of a difference people can make in a child’s life just by being gentle and kind. This was a teacher, and what he said wasn’t so much as “mean” or “hurtful”, it just made me feel so small and insignificant in the world. I’m so glad that it seems that teachers are not like that anymore. Or at least the ones that my kids have had have been loving people who viewed my kids as a part of their own extended family. I NEVER had that feeling. I think about every teacher, coach, principal or any adult in my life and I always felt like I was a pain in their ass. I was just something that was never going to amount to anything so why should they bother putting any effort towards me.
Anyways, I’m feeling a bit blue today. Wondering how things might have been different with some love from an adult when I was so young. Or then again, maybe no amount of love would have helped me, maybe deep down there’s nothing anyone could have done to helped me with my self esteem.
Well I’m glad you aknowledged it had a cry ,understood it with clearer eyes ,and your thankful your kids don’t have to put up with that .I’d say that progress.big hugs.
I can really relate to your experience. Sending a lot of positive energy your way.
This kind of stuff happens to me alot. A therapist who helped me with my PTSD called it time traveling. He said the emotional parts of our brains don’t understand that these events occurred way in the past, or we’re worrying about future stuff. All that brain part knows is it feels very real and very present.
I used to do stuff like replay this in my head and fantasize about what I’d do differently. I imagine what I should’ve said and done. All it does is trigger me, and I’ve used time to be lost in thought.
The therapist helped me develop a word track. When these memories pop up, I acknowledge them and how I feel about them, and remind myself about where I am right now. If I’m in a what-if rabbit hole, I focus on facts at hand. Maybe I don’t know enough and need more information.
It helps get me out of these loops and working myself up emotionally.
That’s very helpful, thank you. I’ll keep your therapists suggestion in mind.
I do try to let the memories come and acknowledge them for what they are but not dwell on them. I’m working on it. I even think I did pretty well with it today. I had my moment of sadness (and a bit of anger too, I suppose) and then got on with my day. I was sad later but that was from something else and the two emotional events just got to me enough I had to post and get it out there.
