Yesterday I was at 44 days no porn or masterbation. I have been having extreme physical arousal and dealing with withdraw and I was totally going to go full tilt act out last night I couldn’t handle it any longer. I did pray and I did ask what the next right thing was and then this popped in my head. Maybe higher power/maybe my addict I don’t know .
Im a female and I did masterbate but I was physically so aroused and already there that it seriously took like 30 seconds start to orgasm. I didn’t let it go to a super intense orgasm, it was probably the quickest lamest finish I’ve ever had. I didn’t do it over and over till I was so exhausted I couldn’t go again like I normally do, no fantasizing at all and I didn’t look at porn. It was masterbation only and I also don’t feel the emotional destruction I usually do after acting out especially with having 44 days.
My thought was instead of a full blown acting out session that was going to happen instead I tried to do just enough to take the pressure off and see if it helped get past this withdrawal phase. It’s not a strategy I plan on using regularly because that will not last long at all it will only go down hill from there.
I have tried so hard to stay sober and this honestly seemed like a better option. Still struggling with arousal but definitely not at the same level as I was. I don’t feel like I’m losing my mind over it today but I don’t feel the same relief I feel after fully acting out either.
I don’t know am I an idiot and my addict brain just convinced myself into something stupid and totally reset or was this the next right thing in the moment as an attempt to try and keep moving forward and get through the withdrawal 90 days or so. Technically masterbation, porn and internet chatting are my bottom line. So I’m not sure if this version of acting out sets me back or helps me move forward.
In SAA, we classified acting out as selfish sexual behavior. Or there is also the three circles approach. At the end of the day, it is for you to define what is acting out and to share that with your sponsor.
I would also advise that you refrain from getting to detailed in your “war stories” from either your past of your present. While the experience can be useful to share in the right setting with another individual, it’s not always useful to get too deep in the nitry gritty in a public setting. Definitely not to shame but the details are not always relevant or necessary.
I am also staying sober from a addictive behaviour. My addiction is binge eating. Since I need to eat, I can not ban the behaviour strictly. I need to find a healthy and nourishing way of eating.
Maybe it could be similar with your addiction. Ask yourself and answer really honestly: Is it a real, basic need of the body? Or is it an addictive behaviour to compensate or cover up unpleasant feelings?
It’s completely addictive, I’m hoping someday I can get to a place of healthy self sex but I think that’s a ways off.
I did get ahold of my sponsor and she was glad I told her she would not consider it a full-blown relapse, given the context-we can call it a slip and keep it moving. Not restart day count.
but I know if I make the “slips” reoccurring at all it will escalate into the other things and become a full blown relapse.
Yea that’s where sex addiction is tricky. In our green book we have what’s called the three circles. We have our bottom line activities in the inner circle. The middle circle is the warning if you continue these activities you’ll end up in inner circle and outer circle is all the good stuff you should fill your time with.
With sex addiction the goal is not to never have sex again including self sex for those of us single folks. It’s to have a healthy sexual experience that’s not compulsive. That’s where the grey line comes in. Yes I did M and O which is all inner circle as of right now but I also didn’t do it under the addictive activities compulsive activites which is why my sponser said it’s more of a slip.
I meeting with her tomorrow and we are discussing the thought of having PMO in my inner circle but I’m seeking her advise on also having MO in my middle circle and see if having very strict boundaries around would keep the physical urges from escalating but also keep the addictive patterns at bay. I know I have not been able to go morebthan about 4-6 weeks maybe 8 weeks without full relapse. In our program there is a difference in sexual activity that is compulsive and destructive and sexual activity that our bodies just physically crave as a human. So my thoughts is if I add in MO under certain boundaries would I escalate back into the compulsive behaviors or would I gain more control of my sobriety by have a little bit of a controlled pressure release with healthy normal physical urges. Ultimately I think a change in strategy is worth a shot. I’m single the only person a full blow relapse effects is me so if it fails it’s more data about my recovery. Here’s what I’m thinking for middle circle MO boundaries to be discussed with sponsor.
No more than once a months or something since I struggle with physical urges about every 4 weeks Or maybe base it on level of physical arousal vs time or a combo of both.
Has to be a non coping mind frame. Pressure release not escape or emotional response to something
No porn or fantasizing just MO. And yes I can get there without either pretty easily
No tools to cause extra stimulation.
Limit on time and/or number O’s
Some kind of check in system with sponsor unless that’s weird for her.
Anything that deviates outside of agreed upon boundaries set would be considered a relapse and a reset.
who k ows this could be a needed move to in a sense wean myself back into smzero self sex as I learn to gain more control over the addiction, or it could lead to down the road learning how to have a healthy version of MO in the future. I just k what I’m doing isn’t working and the other might have me an idea of something to try. I will totally go the direction of my sponsor though. I do know she has had the same PMO addiction and is now in a place where MO is in bother inner and outer circles based on certain motives and actions. we shall see I guess.
Whether it’s a reset or not depends on how you’re defining your sobriety and where masturbation falls in your 3 circles.
For me, masturbation is currently in my inner circle, however this is something that I need to put some more thought into. Having spoken to my sponsor and my therapist about masturbation, I don’t believe it has to be a binary of being okay or not. My sponsor has masturbation in all 3 of his circles. I haven’t felt confident enough to add “healthier” forms of masturbation to my middle/outer circles (i.e. without porn, without fantasy, focusing on sensation only, not used as a means of escapism). Partly because of a fear or relapsing, and slipping back into my addiction. I’ve found it weirdly easier to just blanket ban myself from masturbating, rather than opening up the can of worms of what is and isn’t healthy for me. Obviously, I need to put some work in and get to the bottom of this so that I can have a healthy sexuality.
It sounds like you’ve already got a reasonable idea of what you think is healthy Vs unhealthy masturbation for you.
Of course, we must be rigourously honest, and not allow the addict brain to trick us into putting things in the wrong circles. It sounds like you’re in a good place, with a supportive sponsor, I think they’ll call you out if they think you’re letting the addict brain move things around the circles.
I 100% agree with @DanielaJ , denying your sexuality is not a long term solution. It’s about figuring out what constitutes a healthy sex life for you.
My sponsor will totally tell me if I’m an idiot and my addict is trying to manipulate me into letting MO back in, or if it’s a reasonable strategy to consider. I sent my thoughts and boundaries to her so she can think about it before we talk tomorrow night. I just know I’m not being successful no matter how hard I try with the no MO or full relapse plan. I have never considered there may be a “pressure release”plan based purely on natural biological urges possibly leading into healthy MO
I would put it into my middle circle because I’m not at a point that I feel like I can have it outer circle super enjoyable MO sessions anytime soon. It definitely needs to be middle circle only physical arousal pressure release MO. I feel like if it’s not super boundary driven my addict will take over and I’ll go full tilt inner circle.
I don’t honestly know if I can actually handle this plan but I just know I’m so tired of failing on the all or nothing plan. I just k ow if I was in a relationship I would still have some form of sexual outlet where as being single it’s me or nothing. It’s all so confusing really.
So in SAA sex addicts anonymous we often talk about the three circles.
inner circle is the addictive actions you want to stop and participating in any of those activities means a relapse. For me mine are masterbation, porn, chatrooms, if I do any of this I reset my sobriety.
middle circles are the things that are warning signs you are potentially heading into inner circles but not a relapse. Some of mine are fantasy, boundary driven masterbation, isolating, skipping meetings, not going to church, eating out several days in a row, things like that. I have eating out for example in my yellow circle because I know if I’m eating out multiple days in a row that’s a warning that I’m too busy, too tired, etc and I need to pay attention because those are trigger points and being too tired is an emotion that causes me to act out. So if I don’t take care and get some rest I will probably act out soon. Not going to church for me means I’m getting over stimulated and peopled out so I’m at risk of PMO if I don’t take time to reset. Being autistic this is very important for me to pay attention to. So those things that make you take notice I’m need to focus on recovery, take care of myself, not go down the fantasy road type actions.
outer circle are all the things good you should be doing on the regular. These are your go to when you’re dealing with urges and struggling. They are the things that you use to replace your acting out. For me that’s things like yardwork, my garden, my dogs, practicing drums for church, hanging with friends, my pool or hot tub, working out traveling. Whatever give you pleasure that’s not acting out.
Thank you. I just started SA actually. They were kind enough to reset the meeting to an introduction format to welcome me. I guess I’ll be learning about these circles.
@Goalie5678 This is super interesting.. I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, but I do find it difficult to not seek dopamine in the sense you’re referring to. It seems like I only go 3-4 days before the loneliness sets in and I’m looking up my own personal folder of my wife.. I never considered this an issue but it does feel impure after and I just long for the human connection. It’s difficult being away from her in a rehab full of dudes and night time is the worst. Like someone mentioned, it really depends on our conception of recovery.
Do you guys consider personal videos a lapse in SAA? I’ve never been to anything but AA, NA, or CA
I would say, and this is just my opinion, if your wife is okay with your using her image for release, then it would be okay. It’s all about her consent. I’d discuss this with her. Especially if it keeps you away from your addiction. Ask her.
For me personally, I would consider personal videos a laps for me. It would be no different that porn for me. It would cause the same compulsive behaviors.
I get it and it makes sense. So do you consider consensual one on one fine then? It seems like a fine line and I never went to an saa meeting before.. seems like compete abstinence would be the goal but I don’t think it’s feasible for me
in SAA you define what’s addictive and what’s not. Everyone’s definitions are different on what defines your addictive behaviors and what consider allowable sexual activity.
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