Today marks 4 months without a drink. I should be proud of my progress. But I’m not. They say take it one day at a time. Every day feels like a week. 6 months ago, I lost my relationship. 4 months ago, I lost my job, my home, my town, my “stepson”, many friends, and my health. I developed polyneuropathy. I can barely walk, can’t hold on to or grip anything, i sleep once every 3-4 days. I want my family back so badly. But she was the reasons I started drinking(emotional verbal, and psychological abuse). But I love her. She has done horrible things, but i still want her! I miss her son, that i raised as my own for 5 of his 8 years. I would lose the respect of many people just by saying this stuff. My mind is on fire and i can’t put it out.
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You can love her and miss her and want her and NOT be with her.
You describe your mind as being on fire and I get it, but you are literally re-wiring your brain and that takes time.
As you think these things and grow accustomed to your new way of living, new neural pathways are forming in your brain. You have to be patient and give it time and know that abandoning sobriety will only drag out that process.
Allow yourself to love her and miss her and want her, but when you find yourself feeling these things say to yourself: “I love her, I miss her and I want her, but I know we cannot be together because of everything that happened. Wherever she is, I wish the best for her and hope she is well.”
In time, you will find yourself having those feelings less and less.
Its also probably worth thinking that all the time you are focussed on the past, you are not giving your full attention to the future.
In time, you need to give yourself a chance to move on. There will be opportunities to do so and there are reasons to be optimistic, in spite of everything that is going on right now.
The memories of the past are often brighter and rosier than the reality ever was.
Give yourself time and space to grieve what you have lost, but remind yourself that you are moving forward to a brighter, happier future.
It takes time and patience my friend. It has been a short space of time in the grand scheme of things but you have made the right decisions for the right reasons and you need to put your faith in this process.
Be strong, draw on this community when ever you need to and stay sober. In time, you will look back on this moment and you will be glad that you did.
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Just because you love someone, it does not mean you should be with them. We live life through this idea of monogamy, we swear our happiness lies within another person. It’s a complete lie. Happiness starts with you. Happiness starts with believing in yourself and having your own back. Happiness is realizing your self worth, and remembering that you are in charge of your own life. You’ve tolerated this behavior for so long because I’m guessing you’re struggling with your own self love.
The most toxic relationship you can have is with yourself. The reality is that every relationship you have will be a reflection of how you treat yourself. When you really find self love and appreciation, you won’t stand for disrespect or pain and you will be unapologetic with the boundaries you set for those around you.
After-all, the most important relationship you’ll ever have will be with yourself. If your relationship with yourself isn’t a healthy one, all your other relationships won’t be either. You can run or try to mask it but wherever you go, there you’ll be, until you heal. It is extremely difficult to find a healthy and happy relationship if you yourself don’t know exactly what that means. Being aware of your interests, likes, and dislikes will keep you out of relationships that don’t align with you and where you’re going. I completely understand how hard it is to let go. I hope one day you have the courage to fully walk away. And I hope you choose your sobriety over everything.
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Congrats on four months sober!
Thank you for sharing and I’m glad you are getting this off of your chest. Is there any treatment for polyneuropathy? Do they know the cause? I want to study neuroscience so I’m sorry if that’s too personal…
I understand missing someone who was cruel to you… I have to repeat in my mirror mantras to help rebuild my self worth and self esteem and that has helped me heal significantly.
The cause was, most likely, my severe alcohol abuse. Over a fifth per day. Killed my nerves. All they can do is manage the pain and hope it gets better. Its a 50/50 shot.
The thing is, I know all of that and logically, I know thats the way forward. I just cant implement it yet
Like I said, you need to grieve.
You’re hurting and you can’t just switch that off.
Healing takes time, it cannot be rushed - go easy on yourself.
You don’t need to drink though. Please don’t try to numb your feelings with booze. Your feelings will still be there when you sober up and you will still have to process this loss.
I know the attraction of numbness, of feeling nothing, of embracing oblivion - and you can want this even more when you are not sleeping, but please try to stay strong and resist it.
Its not the answer.
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Damn… I’m so sorry…
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You are sober though Joey. Sorry for all your hardships. Know that when you want to make anything of the rest of your life, something good preferably, sobriety is the first condition which makes it possible to work on the rest. Nothing good will happen if you don’t stay sober.
Indeed I feel you should be proud of yourself, but if you can’t be proud right now, let me be proud of you and for you you. Because it’s a huge feat my friend. Certainly with all those odds stacked against you. Congrats on four months and keep going please. 