Well here we are, monday morning. The dread sets in. Day 2 after a binge is historically the most gruesome for me.
I made my first post here yesterday, after relapsing on alcohol and adderall this past friday and saturday. Totally went off the rails for 24 hrs. As I said in my first post, the worst part of all this for me is always the 1-3 days following such a binge. My “feel good” brain chemicals are totally depleted, and I am forced to go to work and face the world as an anxious, cloudy-brained, exhausted, scared mess. Scared really is the word. I feel nothing but fear right now, and I knew it was coming. I went for a run this morning, and it helped a little, but not enough. What am I afraid of today? Not being able to perform at work, my girlfriend getting tired of these anxious episodes I have and leaving me (despite no indications that she wants to or is planning to), facing the world. I considered calling out of work, but I have some important meetings today so I have no choice but to be here. I don’t know if I’ll even be able to handle them, I am so fragile right now.
I hate being like this. I hate having my girlfriend see me in such a state too. When I stay on the straight and narrow, I am confident, strong, smart, and able to handle life – and then some. Days like today, I am scared and meek. A shell of myself. Substances temporarily rob me of the good in me and I become the mess which stands before you now.
I just really need some support today. I am at my desk at work, tears welling in my eyes, because I feel so helpless, shattered, and utterly alone. I cant rid myself of this lump in my throat and I just want to let out a wail and disappear.
I got rid of any remaining alcohol, adderall, and weed that I had. If there is anything I hate more than myself right now, it’s the substances that brought me here.
Hugs. You’re already being strong and doing it! You are sober, you are facing your fears and went to work. If you ask me, I think you’re brave and courageous for that. Sober Monday’s will be something you will likely come to enjoy, I just made a post about that this morning in the sober selfies actually! You aren’t alone and you can do this. You will get back to your true self, just keep adding one more day every day and you’ll see the light again in no time. Just stay strong my friend and know you’ve got this!
It is some nasty, nasty stuff. Very insidious. I stayed off it for 6 months, and was a fool to think I could start it again and “take as prescribed”. That went out the window as soon as I took the first one on Friday. It actually really helps me when I am able to take it like I’m supposed to…but being addiction-prone, and having a mind which loves excess, that doesn’t last long. It also drives my desire to drink way up, they go hand in hand. No bueno.
Ah hun, I feel you! It is never fun seeing the effects of mental illness, addiction, and withdrawal can have on a partner, but I am sure she would rather watch you struggling to recover, than comfortably binging.
I struggle with this with my partner.I
You have managed sobriety before, so you can make it through this!
You are stronger than you give yourself credit.
Yes, it freaking sucks! But there are better times just ahead x
I plan on going for another jog after work, that always helps me accelerate the healing process and get back to being myself. I can feel the chemicals seep from my pores. After that, I will be relaxing, and hopefully beginning tomorrow just a little happier, clearer, a little stronger, braver, and optimistic.
Today is the last day I ever need to feel like this. I am going to fight tooth-and-nail to make sure it happens.
Then don’t be “like this”. You admit that the first few days after a binge are the worst, right? Clearly, if you recognize the pattern, then a pattern exists, a cycle that needs to be broken. I can relate. My cycle was sober for a few days, drink a little for a few days, drink some more for a few days, then drink a lot for a few days, then sober for a few days.
I hated the way I felt after the “drink a lot” phase, which is why I’d go sober for a few days. I didn’t call this “relapsing” as I had yet to commit to sobriety.
I decided to not “be like this”, and you can to. Decide, and then set about doing it. Be willing to do anything, try anything, just to be sober. Everything from going to meetings, to sitting with your feet in a bucket of ice-cubes while watching teletubby reruns, if that is what it takes.
I would also talk to your doctor about the adderall. If it was prescribed for a legitimate conditions, perhaps there are some alternatives, that aren’t as dangerous.
Regardless, get up, and get after it! The life you want is out there in front of you. You need to dig deep and go after it. It will be hard, but so very worth it.
I have had several long stretches of clean time, most recent one was nearly 5 months (alcohol) overlapped with 6 months (adderall). I’ve seen how good life can become, even at that point, when I keep my head on straight. I know I can get back there and will chip away at it, day by day, knowing each day will not be easy but I will feel better with each one I get through.
Today is the last time I have to feel like this. It is my choice whether I fight for that or not. Today, although I am terrified, I am ready to fight again. I am ready to soar in my life, and not live in despair. I’ve already lost too much time and money (and thankfully not much else…yet) to this struggle. I count myself is lucky in that regard.
I completely understand stand where you are standing, sobriety is a new concept for me, so “hangover” days are still very much fresh memory. If you have access, I would try drinking cranberry juice, or a cran blend. The natural sugars are good for you right now, and help flush your body. If you like spicey food… that helps too, and who doesn’t want tacos? Lol. Sometimes it isn’t about getting through one day at a time, it is about one minute at a time. And each minute gets a tad easier. The fact you are a jogger!!! Even on bad days!!! Mad props!!! You are way stronger then you think. If you see me running, you better run too cause something bad is coming, lol.