I’m 30 married and a covert addict. I am what people like to call a “functioning addict” which just means I wasn’t in the streets looking for my fix. I was at the doctor’s offices. So I guess the difference is I have a paper trail for my dealer and receipts to show how much money I invested into my own devastation. In summer of my 7th to 8th grade year I quit school for a year to be home with my terminally ill Mother. She had a prescription for everything, and I started noticing how happy she was on them. So it all started innocently, I was in pain and wanted to be strong enough to laugh with my Mom while feeding her and picking her hair off the furniture. She passed in January of the next year, 5 months after I started taking care of her. And that was it she was gone, but her meds were still here and they STILL made me feel strong. 5 weeks later in the 1st week of March my 1st born nephew, my pride and joy that I had actually spent every single night with since my Mom had passed, died from SIDS at 3½ months old. So there I was not quite 15 years old and my addiction spiraled out of control. I moved in with my father who has chosen not to have a relationship with me since I was 12 because his “new” family was big and told me he didn’t have enough room for me anymore. He became my ONLY parent. I went from a horse riding redneck living surrounded by feilds on 3 sides of me, a drive your tractor to school school with 98 kids in my class and it was the biggest in decades; to live in a city on the Eastside of the states capital! I went from a house with no neighbors and no other siblings to being the 5th of 10 in a duplex, the only thing the same was the pain inside my soul. So I spent EVERY waking moment counting down the days until my 18th birthday. But in the meantime I wanted to try it all, every substance. I began getting arrested before school even started. Then my 1st year in highschool there I had my locker searched 13 times. I was suspected of drug dealing and suspended multiple times. By 10th grade I was in my 2nd year of probation and had given up on even acting like I was attending school. When I did bother to show up I drove my best friend with me that morning and wrote her a note about our before school shenanigans and was EXPELLED for being under the influence at school. But my use of mood/mind altering substances just increased as my tolerance was always a source of pride for me. Never realizing that one day I would kill to just maintain an even keel. By 11th grade we knew that even if I did summer school and stayed to be a super senior I was not going to make enough credits to graduate. In the winter of 2017 I was under the influence and caused a head-on collision with my high school diving coach. He had just one state championship and had just turned out of the school parking lot and I was blacked out and crossed the yellow line in the center, slamming him head on period by the grace of God he was not hurt. I was taken by ambulance to the hospital and arrested there. Yet again alone but the pain was still inside of me. I spent the rest of 17 in juvy and then on house arrest. On the morning of my 18th birthday my probation officer gifted me a release date, so I got my anklet cut off at 730 am and had already packed my things because I had really been counting the days until my 18th birthday for 4 years! Within a week I was moved into my own trailer that I was renting for so cheap. I bought a Corsica for a couple hundred dollars and thought now the pain will go away for sure because I don’t have the stress of my dad and the family. What I was left with was trauma and a yearning for love and belonging. So naturally I meet a toxic person with even more problems than me. He was almost 10 years older than me had four children, was on parole, and was telling me he was divorced but had not even filed for divorce yet. The woman was still pregnant when I first moved in with him. So I leave my little trailer and move in with him. He enjoyed the same lifestyle so yet again my addiction spiraled because now I was 19 taking care of four children none of them my own. So I played stepmom/house wife for almost 2 years before I lost control of myself again. At 20 we turned into Bonnie and Clyde packed one backpack and moved to Kentucky. We slept on the floor of our cousin’s house his cousin was married to my cousin very Kentucky of us! Finally I had had enough of him and we separated which started another tailspin because I was single and alone with my pain again. 6 months later 5 days before my 21st birthday I’m out on a first date with a guy he just picks me up from my best friend’s house and we got in a life-altering car wreck. I was lifeline from the scene of the wreck to a hospital far away from anyone I knew. I was almost 21 with only memories of the first 14 years of my life. I woke up begging for my mom only to be informed she had died seven years ago. I literally fell unconscious after that and barely remember coming in and out a few times before my memories came back. this began a new cycle of going to the doctor and getting scripts from everyone I could. I bought other people’s scripts and would lie and say other people stole mine and that’s why I needed another one so soon. And that is just a 7-year snapshot of the beginning of my addiction. Back when I first met the feeling of pain I had no idea we would become so intimate, that it would be something I actually clung to in times of unknown. That when faced with the option of leaving it behind I would not only hesitate but would fearlessly defend why I stood by that pain. It was all I had ever known and it became my identity, my pain represented everything I had been through in my life. And to set that aside to leave it would be to leave the bond with my mother, to exit all I have ever known. I don’t know me, I’m only 7 days sober and I’ll tell you struggling is the understatement of the year! I’m petrified of people finding out my truth. I so desperately want to be in control but the truth is I can only control my actions and even that is overwhelming me.
Wow. My dear dear friend. You have been through so much from so young. I’m glad that you are here and that you have decided that it’s time to start your sober journey. My addiction was booze so I’m not very informed on prescription med addiction. I wanted you to know that you are heard and that I wish you all the best on your sober journey. Please be kind to yourself. You can beat this, one day at a time, one step at a time, we can beat our addictions together. I look forward to hearing more from you!
Welcome Lil. I can totally relate with being a functioning addict. I also got scripts for pain medicine and my addict brain lead me to believe I didn’t have a problem since the doctor prescribed them. I held down a full-time job, owned a house and took care of my family all while under the influence of pain meds. About 2 years ago, I had discs removed in my back and it was then the dr decided I should be feeling better. He began to lower my dose but I couldn’t handle it so I turned to the streets to buy pills. I finally admitted I had a problem and went to an outpatient detox. I’m now 425 days clean and never imagined life would be better without them but it is. Finding alternatives to treat the pain has been challenging but I manage ok. A lot of self care along the way. Keep reading and interacting, you’ll find there’s a lot of people on here that you’ll relate to. I look forward to seeing you around the forum.
Welcome, Lil! I’m really happy to see you hear. I hope you stick around. You’re a couple years younger than my son and I’m sending you a big mama hug, sweetie.🙋
Thank you very much for sharing your story. 7 days is incredible and extremely hard. I’m 84 days in myself and what didnt feel like much has now become a lifetime. Have faith in yourself because you have endured an eminence amount of trauma and I can relate on a different level. You’ll hear this a lot and at first it can be annoying but then becomes meaningful, but keep coming. Keep reaching out and maybe try to find some meetings whether its AA or a peer support group or anything really if you can. It helps to have alys in sobriety who you can connect with. I find Talking about it and anything that is troublesome in recovery also helps. Please feel free to reach out to me if you would like. I’m happy to offer my advice or lend a supportive ear (eyes)!!
How are you?.