I’m new to this forum. I don’t know where to start - I need help. I’m trying to figure out how to detach myself from a very addictive relationship that created a lot of trauma for me.
I have addictive tendencies in general. I’m an alcoholic. I have gotten sober from mind altering substances. But I continue to be addicted to very harmful people. Mostly they are also addicts, that have uncontrollable behaviors…they lie, cheat, and steal, they are emotionally abusive I guess.
I’m trying to end my relationship now. Or I’ve ended it. And I’m trying to keep it that way.
I desperately need help to stay away from this person. I feel really alone and ashamed of loving someone that’s treated me so poorly, and for so long.
I guess this is a love addiction…I don’t know what it is. When I labeled myself as an alcoholic it helped me define it…it helped me see that it’s an actual problem that I could no longer handle in my life.
I hope to be posting here more. I hope to have the courage to move forward with my life. I really am broken today but want to start healing.
Love addiction is a real thing and the fact that youre struggling with the pull of toxic relationships is an indicator. Good for you for identifying it and taking steps. Have you looked into coda meetings for codependency? Its common for alcoholics to have addictive personalities and have crossaddiction.
All that to say im glad you are here and willing to take positive action to change an unhealthy habit.
I will check them out. I was hesitant to find them because I’m worried the stories I’ll hear will be similar to the things my ex has come clean about this week. but maybe I need to see the reality of everything.
Thank you so much for your response - I’m in a dark place and having someone just respond with kindness is helpful. I feel really alone - I’ve isolated myself because it was too hard to be real about what was going on in my relationship. I have friends but I’ve been secretive about this because it’s very embarrassing.
Welcome to the forum! Thank u for sharing abit of ur story. I was in a very similar situation about 15 years ago. Was with a man who alsp used drugs, was abusive in many ways, and yet i was also very much addicted to him. It was a codependent relationship mixed with trauma bonding. It was extremely hard to leave that man even after I charged him for what he did and he went to jail. We had a no-contact order in place and we both werent following it
You can get it off Amazon or in book stores for maybe like $15. They have a workbook too to go along side of it. It helps you to break old patterns, maintain healthy boundaries, and say no to unhealthy relationships . It offers a clear and achievable path to freedom and a lifetime of healing, hope, and happiness. It really helped me to realize what was happening, why I was the way I was, and how to completely distance myself from my ex.
Maybe it would be worth a read for you? Therapy related to DV helped as well.
Its very common to feel this way especially after alot of time of being in the relationship has passed. Its like, “how did i let myself stay for so long?!”. But please know that we often find ourselves in a cycle with these types of relationships. It literally changes our brains and how we think, often with us questioning ourselves in how we reacted to situations or preventing us from leaving at the first sign of a red flag. I remember for myself, living in a fantasy world of hoping that things would change. I could see the potential in my ex to be a “good” person and i held onto that hope thay maybe one day he will change. He never did.
I hope that u know that ur not alone Best thing to do is to block all contact with this person and everytime u have an urge to get back into contact, play the tape to the end. Remember the shit hes done to u. Focus on urself and ur recovery. Its time to put u first
Playing the tape to the end! - I never thought about using this tool for a situation like this. This was/is my daily tool to help me stay sober with alcohol
I think I’ve read that book before. I need to read it again - I will buy it today.
I can relate to everything you said…and yet I’m still so sad about this relationship not working, it’s hard admitting that.
I need to continue to do things that help me distance myself and not break no contact.
Ur so welcome! That “play the tape to the end” statement has helped me tremendously in my recovery too I use it for all kinds of situations but I find it really helpes for addictions and toxic relationships.
Its okay to feel sad that the relationship is over. I remember feeling the same way too That and guilty that I charged him for what he did to me (very distorted thinking for sure). I remember a DV counsellor asking me what I was getting out of the relationship? Bcuz even tho the relationship may be toxic, there is still something that we are getting from it. Once i was able to identify what things i was getting from that relationship… wether that was attention, money, shelter/other basic needs, “safety” (protection from other people), etc I was then able to provide those things for myself. It helped to break that “connection”/bond.
Just remember how valuable of a person u are. U deserve so much better girl Get back to loving urself and knowing ur self worth
I found Codependent No More on my online library app - there’s an audio book available so I started to listen to it yesterday.
i bought a journal. I researched CoDA meetings in my area and contacted the only in person meeting by me. I joined some codependency Reddit threads. Although I’m not sure how helpful those will be.
The meeting leader I contacted got back to me…she said there’s about 20 people that attend every week. They’re going to be reading the No More book soon.
Thank you again for just being here..
I feel not great with everything. My ex told me more things today that I didn’t need to know. So I guess I have to start my timer over again. I’m not even sure what I’m trying to abstain from…him? All I know is had we not met today, I wouldn’t have found out more awful things he’s done and I would have continued on, better off not knowing those things.
So I am willing to admit that my life is unmanageable with him in it. This is the first time in many years substance free that I wanted to use again. So I clearly have a problem here.
I attend to zoom meetings of SLAA. I really recommend it to you. For me is really helpful and maybe right now you don’t have the opportunity to attend to in person meetings.
Today is another day. I said out loud yesterday that my life internally is in shambles. I look fine on the outside but I am a wreck on the inside. Saying it out loud felt right. I guess it’s my mental health that I’m really concerned about - I need to find professional help.
I’m looking into an IOP at the recommendation of another member on here.
i thought about relapsing with my drug of choice but I’ll abstain for today,
I went to my first CoDA meeting last night. It felt right and like I was where I should be.
A lot of the members were also in substance recovery groups so it made me feel even more “normal” being there. My years of sobriety wasn’t wasted but I feel like I took away just one of the symptoms by not drinking but I never addressed my actual problems.
Therapy starts next week as well. I’m more nervous about that than recovery group meetings.
I’m still at no contact with my ex. I want so badly to quickly move on from these feelings but I know I need to allow myself time to grieve.
Best thing to do is to block all contact with this person and everytime u have an urge to get back into contact, play the tape to the end. Remember the shit hes done to u. Focus on urself and ur recovery. Its time to put u first 
that was really helpful, thank you so much…
Get back to loving urself and knowing ur self worth 