I wanted to talk bout something on here about loosing trust because of alcohol. (Sorry if this is long)
I live in a bad neighborhood where I e been trying to move from but saving up has been difficult. I post about that about 2 months I believe. Last time I drank was last Sunday and it wasn’t much tbh. And I was sobering up Monday morning . I wasn’t feeling one of those horrible I’ll be in bed for 3-4 days sick type of situations. I actually had coffee and I was really tired yes. And I was getting hives from stress. I had breakfast. So I’m sure you all know that wasn’t a bad recovery because surprisingly I didn’t drink much.
I just bought a new Air conditioner and the friend I am going to talk about helped me install it quickly but we didn’t do it properly. He said he’d come back but hasn’t been able to at all. And my friends are a small 2-3 people really and can’t help. (trust issues, small circle) I was on my bed right next to it as I was on my phone. And suddenly the little sliding side opened up and I just see a hand coming in. Pretty much someone trying to break in. I honestly feel I was targeted by a neighbor. And since then I’ve been horribly traumatized. I told this friend that night what happened and my texts I suppose where pretty hysterical because I’ve had another situation with these neighbors and I was scared. Actually a lot of us have. These people get so drunk and fight and they all banned together once where they went tover to my neighbors home and pushed down their fence and hit one of the teenagers. They’ve thrown things to my place and called me names.
I didn’t message this friend all week because I know he’s busy working late and he doesn’t work weekends. I finally texted him asking him if we could install it properly tomorrow and go to home Depot to buy a bracket and just things to really reinforce my window, it’s a two person job. I’ve been awake all night with the lights for the first 2 nights on starring at the window. Couldn’t even shower fearing I wouldn’t be able to see. I couldn’t even leave to take out the trash in the day . That bad. Anyhow he pretty much doesn’t believe me because of past situations. We don’t hang out anymore. Our thing was going to the movies and I turned him into liking vegan food. I knew why we didn’t go out anymore so I never questioned it. Tonight he was telling me that this situation is like “the boy who cried wolf”
He’s at home having to fix his sink and he doesn’t know what time he’ll be able to. I really fear for my life but he says I’m still exaggerating because I’m still sobering up. I haven’t had a drop since Sunday. I’ve just been so messed up about this. (yes police was called, couldn’t do anything) any little noise makes me jump. I begged him if we could take care of this tomorrow and he was honest telling me that because of past situations it’s hard to believe me 100% I understand him.
I’ve stayed sober, I’ve just been on edge.
He told me to sober up. I called him and we had a whole discussion telling him I’ve been sober but of course he kept mentioning the “boy who cried wolf” thing.
Isn’t that just so messed up that moments like this when you need someone that you considered a best friend doesn’t fully believe you and I feel im danger this time. And being 100% honest. He says I’m still coming down then if I’m sober and exaggerating. I know that’s not the case at all. When you really need that one person and they can’t be there for you when it’s an emergency it really hurts.
You all don’t know how much ive cried and been so angry saying that I didn’t ask for this. None of us did. I do try so hard. And it’s ruined my life and everything/everyone around me for 20 years now. 20 years! (I’m 40) Ive lost jobs, been to the hospital , I turn into someone else etc…
I know that if things where how they were when we met he would have dropped everything and said let’s go to home Depot now and do this early in the morning. But he has a sink that needs to be fixed so that’s what he’s doing and told me to be on call.
I managed to go to the market today because I needed food and so did my sweet bunny. But I flew back practically as it was getting dark. I was already shaky going when it was light.
My point is that when you really need that friend they can’t be there because of what our alcoholic selves have done. Once we are ourselves there’s little to no help and it hurts. It also is hurtful that that’s the picture they have of you and they just don’t see the real you anymore. You’d think that’s this would make me drink but not at all. I feel I have to be vigilant. Even though my alcoholic brain did think about it this morning because I have when I’ve been stressed. But that’s really the last thing I want . Even passing by the alcohol to the almond milk at the store I felt so much hatred looking at the alcohol and that’s not the first time I’ve felt that.
This person , my true self right now never wants to drink again in my life. I haven’t in so long. How many relapses. Omg. So much of us can relate to that. Why can’t I just have one? Its a desease. When life is bad I’ve drank. When life is good I celebrate in a messed up way as an excuse really in a way. I’m such a dorky happy person and creative , I’m an animal rights activist and so much more. But I feel that Lady isn’t here, just a few pieces of that, but they make me remember who I can be. The career I could of had by now, the house , all that wasted money I could have saved in the bank and actually have a savings. People say it’s not too late and yes I know. This part of my life just feels never ending most times. I always remember that’s NIN line " What have I become , my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end" especially since I’m just a positive person always motivating people. My sweet bunny needs me. She’s happier when I’m sober , I can tell. For her and for myself. Its just gotta be it this time …
Thank you for reading. 5 days sober . Much love 
