Hello,
I don’t even know where to begin. I just feel the urge to share the last 4 years of my life with you guys.
This is probably my first and only post I’ll make. I don’t know. Anyway, where do I begin? I’ve been an alcoholic for almost 4 years now, and I’m really having a hard time trying to kick it.
It all started the 18.05.2013. I had this special friend, we knew each other since we were kids, who commited suicide. It was very hard to understand, she seemed really happy, and everything was going good. This day destroyed me. I began to drink a LOT. It numbed the pain. It’s so hard to write this. Shortly after my father and I were diagnosed with chorea huntington. Again, I felt like life was taking the person away I loved the most. I didnt even care about myself. Even though I realized that I didnt have a future, since I’ve had early symptoms I was diagnosed with the juvenile “version” of the disease. I was just so fucking depressed. Not even the alcohol could ease my pain. So I drank more and more. My Dad eventually could not work anymore since the disease was progressing so rapidly. We had no money. My mom had to work 3 jobs to keep us alive. And I was just out there at the bar drinking, dying inside. I eventually decided that I’ve got to do something. “What am I gonna leave behind?” all my friends, my mom, my brother. Without nothing? I just couldn’t handle the thought of them having to take care of me and my dad. That wasn’t the future I wanted for them. I eventually found my way into the german drug scene. Not feeling anything. Like I was already dead. I didnt care what happened to me. But still, I was so angry. So damn angry. I quickly rose through the ranks and started supplying my whole city with drugs and stolen phones/watches (it’s a rather small city). I did a LOT of bad shit. A LOT. I didnt even know why I did some of those things. I keep telling myself that I had to. But I didnt. I wanted to do these things. I wanted the world to pay. I wanted all these people to pay. Even though the did nothing wrong. I did so much wrong. It still keeps me up at night. The drinking only got worse. I wanted to die. So bad. But I was a coward. I remember staying up all night multiple times with a cocktail of drugs that would definitly kill me. But I couldn’t do it. And then I met a girl. The girl of my dreams. She reminded me of her. For the brief period that we were together I felt like everything is going to be okay. And then she left. I fucked it up. Like always. I wish she knew, how much I loved her. How her smile got me through the day. How sorry I am. For everything I’ve done. My depression got worse. The money kept coming which made it worse. It fueled my addiction. This went on for 4 years. It became my routine. It became my nightmare. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. The only thing keeping me alive: My friends and family. I agreed to go into a clinic. From which I was released 2 weeks ago. I feel much better, I still drink, I cant seem to get over it. I dont know why. I’ve tried so hard. I should be happy, why am I not happy? I cant seem to find the answer. I just dont know anymore. This text is so messy, I’m sorry. I’m trying my hardest to be a better, happier person… I really am…
I think it takes time to adjust and to learn to love yourself and forgive yourself…I also think that if you wasn’t drinking you would have a clearer head to learn to understand yourself and your addictions which would help you to find happiness…
Hi @cuzkarov. Thank you for sharing such a painful story. The question is, have you fully committed to wanting to become sober? If you have then you really can move forward with finding the tools and support to stay that way long term. You can’t even think about “happiness” yet, that has to come later. First is sobriety and saving your own life.
I’m really trying to fully commit, but there are days when I just can’t stand being sober. I dont know… I’ll continue getting help and try harder… My friends have supported me through everything, I feel like with their help maybe I can make it
Thank you. I think I know that I can get better if I stop drinking for good. But that just turns into more anger, why would I still do something thats so incredibly bad for me. Sometimes I really can’t understand myself. I will try my best though, and I know that I cant give up again. For my friends and familys sake
Than you. I really appreciate it. I will try my best guys. I really will.
You can do this! We all have a past and have done some bad stuff… it’s the nature of the disease of addiction… it transforms you into someone you never thought you could be… don’t you let this beat you… take a stand for your sobriety and for your family… Prayers for you dear!
I don’t know what to say… I’m having a hard time expressing what I feel, I hope you know that I’m very thankful for this kind comment. I will keep trying