My boyfriend gets upset when I drink too much because I have a habit of going out super late. We both agree there’s nothing good happening after midnight but if I’m having fun he feels that 2am is an acceptable time to return home. I came home at 4:30 last night. I stunk like ALCOHOL. I ruined our plans for him to take me to his favorite breakfast place I’ve never been. I’ve done this several times in the past few months… ruin our weekend plans because I’m hungover. I don’t even particularly like the people I go out with. It’s just something to do after a long night of work. I’m a bartender. Maybe I need to get out of the industry? Maybe I need to let my boyfriend find someone who won’t let him down? Maybe sobriety will fix everything? He loves me and he is an incredible person. I don’t know what to do. He doesn’t deserve this.
You have said a lot of things about how bad you feel about yourself.
Do you feel that you need to change? If so, what might be holding you back?
In my case, my fear of withdrawal held me back. Had to finally check into rehab to medically withdrawl to ease the fears.
I will change for long periods of time and then it’s like, I have a bad night at work and I go on a three day bender and come out of it with an angry boyfriend and super bad anxiety. I beat myself up. It’s easy for me to stop drinking for weeks but once I start again it’s bad. I also drink if I’m hungover, to ease the nausea. It’s a vicious cycle. Mostly I hate myself when I cave in and pour a glass of red wine in the morning to calm down.
I think what’s holding me back is that it’s not always bad. I’m perfectly capable of having some wine with a girlfriend at dinner then going home and that’s it. I work in a bar too. I make my money and pay my bills by making sure everyone else is drinking and having a good time. Then again, I’m not attached to my job. In fact I’m very ready to move on but don’t know where to start.
Things might get better if you change job…don’t you think?
Yes. I think you’re absolutely right.
You ever tought of rehab , 12 step clinic? Dont mean to scare you @Keanster
I have but, as strange (or maybe not) as this may sound we aren’t sure I have a drinking problem.
Hear me out.
I said I would get help but he thinks that saying I need help for a drinking problem is just a cop out for simply being an asshole. I don’t drink every day. I do sometimes have a few drinks at work when I am closing down (usually one to two glasses or red wine or one glass of something like scotch if it’s cold out). I drink wine when I have dinner with my girls. At weddings I drink a little too much and have a hangover. I feel that this is pretty typical?
My boyfriend explained that me saying I might have a problem is a sad excuse I use when we get into fights because I come home late. I come home late probably once a month… in fact it’s almost like clockwork. Usually I go straight home from work (regardless of if I drank or not) but once in awhile I go out with my coworkers and nothing good happens from it.
I don’t cheat on him or do anything he doesn’t know about. Sometimes I’ll end up doing a little coke (hence why the nights get so late), but he knows about that too.
If I’m super hungover he gets upset because I’ve ruined our morning (often our only time off together). If I’m REALLY hungover (like after the coke nights) I usually drink some more. Hair of the dog right? But it works.
I could really use your input @Cobaltchrisa. I’ve gone weeks without drinking and not even thought about it. In fact I don’t drink at work much anymore because we have moved and now I drive home. It isn’t something that bothers me at all. I think I’m just a bad drinker when I drink too much?
Sorry just to add… the “getting home late” thing is a problem not necessarily because of the hour but because I’m horrible with my phone when I’m drunk (so he can’t get a hold of me) and I always tend to say “be home soon” and then just disregard or forget I said it. To him it’s disrespect.
Ok i understand .i can only speak for my self . I can relate to some of the things you wrote … my former lady and i when we just drank a litle it ended up by drinking alot and fighting hard i never punched or kick but still very bad both ways . Ended up in sack and maked up . Day after the same shit … that went for long time. Everytime we drink it was the same thing, and whats the idiotsy of this is that we knew before we Even started to drink… thats insaine. When alcohol/ drugs interrupt in the ordinary days then you got a problem .
@Keanster This is what woke me up in my workbook I purchased called A Woman’s addiction workboo, your guide to In-Depth Healing, by Lisa M. Najavits, PhD. Basically if you are choosing your DOC ( drug of choice) are the things you love most are important to you, you are an addict. Show me I realized that this was my children’s sense of security, giving a better effort to save my 8yr marriage, my business, even my self worth. Sounds like your boyfriend is important to you, and breakfast to a new place with him sounds like something very special. If you are sabotaging those things due to staying out and using I would encourage you to look into I’m like this book to figure it out. If it is a true addiction it will not get better for you. This work will start so hoping you explore whether or not you are an addict, also what kind of path you want to take in becoming sober. It was very eye openong for me. Im 64 days fresh today. (i dont say clean alone because it makes me feel like it insinuates I was dirty before but I wasn’t just lost. Its about attempt #20 for me. Its not easy but worth it. Tonight im going to an AA meeting to see if I can find one that is right for me. Good luck to you and you are in a great place to find the support that you may need. 
- choosing your drug of choice over the things you love most
I use to Dj at a bar and quitting helped Tremendously. The fact that you want to change for your BF shows that you do care about him a lot. Talk to him, I’m sure he will help you be sober. Get ahead of this now before you make a mistake that you will regret the rest of your life. Trust me, I went down that path and it destroyed what I had. You can do this. It sounds like it’s worth it to you
That’s how I felt…lost and in a very dark place. I felt like I was trapped. I feel so much better today. I feel free. 44 days sober.