Hi everyone, hope your all doing well and thank you for reading and all the support i have received over the past 53 days.
I didnt drink for 8 years until a year and half ago, lots of sad stuff happened and is still not resolved in my family, i have 2 children i am 36.
My son is 19yrs old and my daughter 13yrs old.
A year and a half ago my daughters father never returned her home from her visit to his house.
I called the police, social services (who never been involved before) all of which told me they cannot do anything i have to go to court.
So cut a long story short,
I am in the middle of a court case trying ro get my daughter back, i havent spoken to or seen her since they day he took her she was 11 almost 12 at the time.
We have had no communication as he hasnt allowed it.
This has been the most saddening part of my life i am greiving the loss of my child who is still here so the pain does not end.
This situation is the reason i picked up a drink after 8 years, and 53 days ago after a long year and a half of drinking alone in my room, i realised i had to stop im drinking myself to death to numb the feelings of pain missing my daughter and to try to function and smile for my son who is still with me.
Iv actually felt alot better the past 53 days alot less anxious.
But today i have woken up and i really fancy a drink, i keep telling myself if i can wait until tonight and just have a few glasses of wine normally then dont for another few weeks… well i know im trying to fool myself and i wont drink.
Im not going to have a drink, i will not let myself down, i just thought i needed to reach out and let someone out there know how i am feeling and whats been going on so it doesnt manifest more in my head.
I really miss my daughter so much, and feel extremely tearfull today. The only way to get through each day is to not think about the situation and that makes me feel so guilty and sad and my brain thinks having a drink will help me get through today and make me feel better but i know it wont.
Coping is so hard. The past 53 days i have coped much better but today i am struggling with my emotions, i dont want to drink i just want the hurt and pain to ease enough for me to get out of bed today.
My dr knows my situation and i suffer from anxiety and depression at the moment.
It doesn’t help all the xmas adverts on tv etc… triggers that send my emotions to break me inside, i dont go out much as everything reminds me and makes me sad, i dont watch tv anymore as songs adverts etc… trigger me to break down.
Feeling very lonely and sad like im the only mum feeling this when i know i am not and would not wish this pain on any one.
I feel better for writing it all down.
Have a lovely day every one