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I’m so sorry @NicTyr08 
that’s all incredibly sad. I’m not a parent, so I simply have no advice from that perspective. But I am from a family where my parents divorced and my younger sister is the difficult one. Also centred around money, she benefitted from the divorce, and now has my dad, my mum and her fiance’s family who regularly invest in her financially. My mum came off worst in the divorse, it was messy and painful, and it’s left her with little to her name, but she’s a wonderful mum and her love for us has been unwavering. I have found that my sister speaks and behaves similarly to your 11 year old, often expressing immense dissatisfaction at the most minor of offenses even if it has been the best efforts of someone who loves her, but often there is a comment regarding monetary support or guilt tripping re financial input in comparison to the other parents she can go to. This left my mum in tears today. Unfortunately we are both also at a loss on how to heal the rift between us. She refuses to talk, and blocks us on social media, but the detrimental impact of allowing her to continue as is and not discuss it… Well the outcome is unclear. I sense this is similar to your scenario, you don’t know whether leaving her to develop her way will at some point lead her to love and appreciate you the way you deserve, and that one day your family will be reunited. Or if allowing her to develop the way she is, with a foundation of abuse, anger, and mental illness will infact cause irreparable damage and permanent seperation. I’m sorry I can’t offer any advice, I just wanted to let you know that although slightly different perspectives, you are not alone 
it’s such a fine balance between love and abuse sometimes, and through loving someone so much, we can inadvertently let them abuse us and that love. I learnt my biggest lessons about family through loss, complete loss. My sister experienced the same family breakdown, but actually gained from it, and as such, she has developed into a very selfish, callous, cruel, spoilt individual. You could let your daughter have what she wants, but the environment she goes to, could actually exacerbate these negative character traits she has begun to develop. On the other hand, through losing you, she may see the value in your relationship. So hard.
I’m so sorry for the difficulty you have experienced, and wish your daughter the best of recoveries from her trauma. Continue to love her, but you are also allowed your own boundaries, you too are a person with a heart and feelings, you too deserve to be loved and respected
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That sounds like so much to bear and I am sorry for that, for all of you in your extended family. As a mom I know how hopeless and helpless it sometimes feels with our children. I don’t have any great wisdom or insight, but I do hope you are taking care of YOUR needs as well, not just the kids. You matter and are important and you cannot help others if you are depleted. I will offer this one thought …sometimes a break is not necessarily a bad thing for a family. Take the pressure off for all of you. You can stop being the bad guy for awhile (or longer). You don’t have a ungrateful child trying to manipulate you all the time. Gives you some breathing room and she is well cared for (if indulged) at her Dad’s. There is no shame in letting her live elsewhere if they are welcoming her.
I hope as well she and you are getting some therapy to help with the prior abuse, that is a lot for anyone, I know. My heart is sad for you both. We can and do heal and I wish that for you both.
All that said, my daughter did hate me for a time (teens), just as I hated my mom for awhile. It happens. We can continue to love them thru all their all difficulties and love ourselves as well. Letting her know you love and care for her, always and forever is what matters.
Please keep us posted.
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